Thursday, August 10, 2006
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This was one of my mother's favorite jokes:
"What's the best form of birth control?"
"Dunno, Mommie Dearest, what is the best form of birth control?"
"Sulfa denial." HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Get it? HA HA HA HA HA!
We're not exactly going to talk about sulfa denial today. But let's take a look at self denial.
Admittedly, we at "The Gods Are Bored" haven't flown very much on planes. Probably less than a dozen times in our lives. We have never been abroad. We wonder how other people can afford to travel like that. They must not have electricity in their houses.
But we have Gone Greyhound pert near halfway across America. And we have done some fasting, occasionally for spiritual reasons and occasionally out of sheer busy schedules.
So, how long can you go without eating or drinking? Assuming, of course, that you're not crawling naked across Death Valley.
Do you think you could go 24 hours without a sip of water? Might not be pleasant, but would it kill you? Again, location matters. Death Valley, maybe. United Airlines Flight 666, doubt it.
I'm inspired to make this observation by the recent discovery of terrorist liquids hidden in beverage containers. Here we go with another Republican "I told you so!"
To which I reply: "Can't people fly on f#$@# planes without slurping down beverages or snorting up food?
Gosh, what a loss it would be to miss that little bag with 3 peanuts in it! Or the delicious t.v. dinner that makes hospital food look and taste five-star!
You need to fly somewhere? Eat, drink, and be merry before you board. Then settle in for a little self-denial. Look at it as your patriotic duty, as your way to thwart Republican fear-mongers.
Can't bear the thought of flying without that little bottle of Seagram's? Okay, here's some of the best advice ever offered in this column of wisdom: Go to the doctor, say you have a phobia about flying, get a scrip, and take a pill before you board. Voila! No more spilling that pesky Jack Daniels on your suit!
You've got a special medical condition, like, say, diabetes? Let them know when you make the reservation. They can pack on supplies for you and you alone.
And for the love of ducks, who packs toothpaste, shampoo, or any product in a bottle except a prescription? Where the hell are you going where they have no shampoo or toothpaste? And if they don't have it there, will anyone notice your morning breath?
You know who has to toughen up in this country? All of us Bubbas and Buffies. A little self denial while aboard an aircraft could save us, oh, say, three or four unneccessary global wars.
Just a suggestion. I don't fly anyway. So go ahead and insist on that bottle of Evian and those peanuts. Just like you insist you need that big SUV to protect your kids. Now get out your checkbook, because it's time to pay for missiles.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS