Dogging the Wrong Byrd

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" We wonder if "religion is the opiate of the people." We think it more likely that opiates are the religion of the people!

Hey, you don't have to shoot up to be brain dead. If you watch Fox News, you're high on hate, stoned on the status quo.

This just in from those Pharisees of the Christian Right: A hit list of left-leaning senators who should be removed from office in the interest of expanding Jesus's mighty work in the world.

At the very top of the list: Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia. Mr. Byrd is running for re-election next year.

Now, Mr. Dobson, you take this little bit of advice from a card-carrying hillbilly like me. Take fistfuls of money, whole cartloads of cash, whole wagon trains of bullion, and shove it into West Virginia in an effort to unseat Senator Byrd in favor of some "Politician of Faith."

Please.

Because you might as well be whistling "Onward, Christian Soldiers" into a stiff wind.

Senator Byrd has been serving the people of West Virginia since Anne was a little girl.

Numerous decades have passed since Anne was a little girl. Gosh. John F. Kennedy was still alive when Anne was a little girl. So was Martin Luther King. Ed Sullivan was rocking on. Had some group named The Beatles on one night. Anne remembers.

Anne has some mileage. (But she still has her girlish figure, yes indeedy!)

Senator Byrd has even more mileage than Anne. He's served in the Senate longer than any other member. Know what that means in real terms? He is POWERFUL.

The guy chairs the Appropriations Committee. And will do so as long as he sits in the Senate.

Know what that means, Mr. Dobson? It means that, for every cartload of money you send into West Virginia to defeat the senator, he will funnel an aircraft carrier full of government pork into his state to employ people and build bureaucratic projects! There's a $7.5 million federal installation going in two miles from my sister's comfy home in Falling Waters. And that's small potatoes.

Perhaps I shouldn't use Sis as an example. She'll be the one person in West Virginia who votes for Dobson's candidate. She likes those family values white men.

Far be it from me to offer advice to Dobson and his "Focus on Fatality." But there's a far more vulnerable senator who sees things just Dobson's way, but who lives in a state full of liberals, poor people, unemployed union laborers, and working mothers without health insurance.

That senator's name is Rick Santorum.

It's early to offer political endorsements, but we here at "The Gods Are Bored" have this to say:

1. Robert Byrd for Emperor.

2. Rick Santorum should stay home and raise his children. Full-time.

So might it be!

ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS (GUESS WHAT STATE?)