Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Treasure of the Templars

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If you're dissatisfied with the rates on your current god, check us out! You may save $500.00 next year in tithes and offerings alone, and still get the same fine service from a bored god who would be glad to have your custom! Operators are standing by to take your call!

Among my legions of readers, there may be a few who are experts on Secret Societies. If you're one of them, go directly to another pagan blog. There are many great ones, I wish I had the computer savvy to link them all. Is it "A Druid's Path" where the guy has a cougar in his backyard and only a screen door and a lapdog for protection? I guess I shouldn't find that funny, but I do.

Secret Societies. Specifically, the Knights Templar.

How many of you saw that action/adventure movie, National Treasure? You know, the one where Nicholas Cage stole the Declaration of Independence and used it to find a fantastic treasure that descended from the Knights Templar to the Masons, and hence came to America to be stored in a creepy cave under Philadelphia (or was it Boston? or was it reeeeeeeeeally Nova Scotia?).

Okay. Quick background. Knights Templar. Formed during First Crusade. Bunch of muscle-heads at first. Then they start getting big money from believers. Gotta hire bankers. Investment strategists. Archivists to store all the jewels and gold, etc. By 1300 A.D., these guys are the richest f*&%^@s in the world.

Shhhhhhhh! They've also acquired some interesting secrets that could pull down the Catholic Church. But who would know? About everything, these guys are SUPER DUPER SECRET. Da Vinci couldn't crack their codes with a dimond-tipped drill.

Up comes a pope and a king (both French), and they arrest the Knights Templars en masse, hold and torture them without charges or benefit of an attorney......

(A quick reminder that we're talking almost exactly 700 years ago, not about present presidential administrations.)

But the famed Treasure of the Templars? It was never found. Properties were confiscated, some money changed hands, but the bulk of the wealth did indeed disappear.

But that's not the best part.

Only a select few Templars knew all there was to know in the way of their SUPER DUPER SECRETS. And those Templars escaped either to Scotland (where the knights were welcomed) or to Bavaria (ditto ditto).

Justifiably pissed off, these secret-bearing Templars formed the foundation of the Illuminati, which morphed into the Masons, who played a significant role in the War for Independence.

So, the curious reader asks: Are these Templars still around, hoarding secrets? Or did Dan Brown out them in The Da Vinci Code?

Sweeties, can we talk? Danny did a good job, he really did. But he just scratched the surface. It's like knowing which piece of DNA on the human genome gives you soft dental enamel.

The Illuminati has the whole doggoned Religious Genome, and It knows where all the Pagan DNA can be found.

Nor does the Illuminati have to ask for tithes, because it has ... you guessed it, all that great gold stuff that Nicholas Cage ogled.

Wanna join? Sorry, but it's one of those "don't call us, we'll call you" deals. And we've all been there, haven't we? Waiting for that phone to ring with a job offer? Heck, the bored gods are in that boat, too! They root for the Illuminati! (At least the European ones do.)

I'll end this with a promise. Mel Gibson darkly hinted that some evil Secret Society would try to kill him if he produced Passion of the Christ.

Mel was talking about the Illuminati, of course, and he got that bright idea from the Catholic Church's own secret wing, Opus Dei.

Danny Brown did a real good job of outing those dudes.

Mel, Mel. Can we talk? The way you suck on those cigarettes, do you really think some Secret Society is going to have to kill you?

Don't flatter yourself, Mad Max. The Illuminati has an agenda, and you are not on it. Relax. Have a Camel. Or a Marlborough. You he-man, you.



Anonymous said...

check out this new nicholas cage quiz!

Scott said...

I have been looking for a New, Used Bargain Basement type of deity,, one that might throw me a few pieces o gold, and maybe the heart of a beautiful lad (intact in his chest),, not asking for much, could do much praise and worship in his/her honor,, hopefully I could find an Older God/dess who hasn't been employeed for at least 10,000 years or so, I want to help the elderly while I worship. I don't have many hang ups as far as being a devotee and any particular deity. Just no human/animal sacrifice please, something more along the lines of offerings of panseys or grain or lots of libations of wine,,, yeah that would work real well right now in my life, a drunk god/dess who has been outta work for 10,000 ++ years..... Know one?

Anne Johnson said...

Steer clear of Morpheus, but Bacchus is okay. I think there's one called Priapus that might listen to entreaties about beating hearts.

Personally, in all matters I defer to Queen Brighid the Bright. I doubt if she's tipsy but she might be 10,000 years old. I do know that she has jars of jelly older than Jesus.

Thunderbirds work for me, but not everyone can worship a buzzard.

Seriously, if I was a buzzard, I'd share every carcass with you and we'd both get enough to eat.

Rae said...

Anne, have I told you left that you're brilliant?! No? Well, ya are. Cheers, oh Enlightened One.

Anne Johnson said...

Gee, if I keep getting comments like that, I may get a swelled head. Thanx, Rae! Rock on!