Shhhhhhh!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we try to breathe new life into those poor gods and goddesses sent into early retirement and now living on fixed incomes -- and nobody even sends them birthday cards.

Here's a little secret.

Mel Gibson fears for his life.

Yes, when Mel released his masterpiece, "Passion of the Christ," (which, by the way, helped Anne decide to become a pagan) he hinted darkly that "some forces" might want to kill him for putting such a truthful movie into circulation.

Mel. Mel. Can we talk?

First of all, if you were as truthful about Jesus as you were about William Wallace, then what you put on the screen was fabulous fiction. I happen to know all there is to know about William Wallace, and he neither looked like you, Mel, nor did he behave one little bit like you portrayed him. Except maybe when he was hung, drawn, and quartered. Wallace was over 6 feet tall. That made him a giant in his day. How tall are you, Mel?

That was a digression. What Mel hinted darkly was that the Illuminati has targeted him. He gets these ideas from a truly dangerous secret society called Opus Dei.

Rest in peace, not pieces, Mel.

The Illuminati only kill smart, dangerous people. Like Opus Dei operatives. And only because this little underground skirmish has been going on with no clear victor since EXACTLY 1306. Oh yes, the birth of the Illuminati is celebrating an anniversary next year!!!

Now all my faithful readers want to know ... is Anne in the Illuminati?

Be serious. Like they would recruit an unemployed hillbilly goat judge from Billy Bob Agricultural University?

That is of course assuming that I am a hillbilly goat judge from Billy Bob Agricultural University.

Oooooooo! Somebody run the Crosby, Stills, and Nash Song! Time to sow paranoia. Into your mind it will creep.

And while you're always afraid, the faeries will break your garbage disposal.

ANNE
THE GOAT JUDGE OF NO PARTICULAR IMPORTANCE TO ANY SECRET SOCIETY