Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Applegate on Pedophile Priests

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" I'm your host, Satan. Only please don't call me that. It has such negative connotations. I prefer "Mr. Applegate."

Today I've donned my formal attire, and it pinches in all the wrong places. Makes me irritable. Of course, I need to be irritable sometimes.

Where's Anne? Substitute teaching at the Billy Bob Agricultural/Technical School. Today she's in animal husbandry, and boy are those kids gonna learn something about goats!

On to today's topic:

Do my faithful readers know what a "Farby" is?

"Farby" is a term coined by those weird people who go out and re-enact historic battles. Most of those people - a vast majority, in fact - try to make their outfits as authentic as possible. Right down to the buttons and the grime.

"Farbies" show up in spotless polyester, with zippers. They wear Nikes and carry cold beer in their canteens. They wear their eyeglasses and occasionally a dash of Old Spice, to please the ladies.

Now, when all the re-enactors run out on the field, even the "generals" can't tell the Farbies from the authentics. And the spectators are even more clueless. To them it just looks like a lot of cool guys shooting at each other without getting wounded or killed.

Now you're saying, "Mr. Applegate, sir," (I like it when you're polite) "What does this have to do with pedophile priests?"

Pedophile priests are like Farbies. They're scattered here and there in the ranks, doing ugly, horrific things, and when they're found they're slapped on the wrist and told to get the right buttons.

Eventually those pedophile priests come to me. And I'm an angel with an iron-clad contract and an assignment to punish sinners.

In my book there's no more egregious sinner than he (or she) who does evil while hiding behind a cloak of piety. It's human evolution at its very, very worst.

Trust me. I pack those suckers tightly into a windowless room with all the Inquisitors who once tortured innocent people and all those popes who used their positions as power trips. Then I bother those suckers nonstop. I have a staff of about 450 dedicated exclusively to this set of slime buckets.

You know what gets them the worst? Occasionally the vice-president makes a visit to my division. And he's the kind of guy who can forgive anyone, anything. And even he can't conceal his disappointment with this group. He weeps whenever he sees them.

That would break a heart of stone, to see our vice-president weeping. So you can imagine, I hope, what a cold and sorry time my sick Farbies have when they come falling into my hands.

"Farby" is a diminutive of "Far be it from reality." And so they are, these villains. Nothing ticks me off worse than inauthenticity. I punish it severely.

(Well, I'm not too hard on those re-enactors who wear polyester. Stupidity is punishment enough.)




Athana said...

So nice to finally see a pic of Mr. A.! And isn't he a handsome one!!

Anne Johnson said...

Oh, you must have missed the post where he showed his portrait by Norman Rockwell! This is just his formal attire. He'll want to run his "real" look again real soon!