Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Straight Talk about Fairies

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Do you believe in fairies? If so, you're righteous and enlightened! If not, who do you blame when you can't find your reading glasses?

Summer solstice is almost upon us, and that is the time when fairies are most active. So for the next few days we'll talk about them with all due respect and the honor they deserve.

Where to start? How about at the middle, or two-thirds the way toward the end? Fairies would like that. They don't go by the book. They delight in riddles, puns, and puzzle settings. You give any fairy a Rubik's Cube, and he'll sit there for three days mulling it over without ever scratching his wings. Share a wordplay joke with a fairy, and you'll have a great day! She'll see to it.

One pet peeve I have that the fairies share with me is the idea that we're PAGAN. If you look up "pagan" in the dictionary, it says "backwards" or "uneducated." WRONG WRONG WRONG! It's like that other word I hate, unless it's being shared by someone of like persuasion: hillbilly. The word "hillbilly" implies stupidity and backwardness. The word "pagan," used so freely by the Christian missionaries who have tried and failed to wipe out fairies, has a slightly sinister sound to it. Hence its use by bad-assed motorcycle gangs.

Fairies are not backward or stupid. They can be very sinister when disrespected. But on their worst day they won't strap you to a stake and burn you alive. If ANYTHING is pagan, it's that sort of behavior.

How have fairies survived and thrived through more than 1500 years of active suppression by the religious authorities of the Christian church? By being very witty and knowing all the right people! Fairies have friends in high places. Don't believe me? Ever heard of a dude named Walt Disney?

Fairy Experiment: Go to the school nearest to you. Take a portrait of Jesus Christ and a portrait of Peter Pan. Ask the first 7-year-old you meet to identify both portraits. The kid might know both, but if he or she can't identify one, it's gonna be Jesus 90 percent of the time.

So Dobson says, "Oh, this is just heinous! Peter Pan is not a religious figure, he's a myth. He's a fairy tale." And two minutes after he utters some rubbish like that, Dobson's going to take a big swig of coffee and blister his tongue.

Peter Pan is The Green Man, dressed up and ready to fly through a dark, repressive time, looking for the smart and lively among us, the folks who "question all the answers." The fairies are his friends, his subjects, his followers.

Fairy Experiment: Go to the shopping mall. Count the number of t-shirts you see with Jesus on them. Count the number with Tinker Bell on them. Compare the price. You're gonna pay a lot more for a Tinker Bell. Fairies need the money worse than Jesus does. And the publicity. They're tired of being cute little lawn ornaments and collectibles. They want respect!

Respectfully submitted,
Looking forward to a bright day when she becomes

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