Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," and if you're just joining us, well, we have an incident going on.
Today the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that no one can use cannabis legally, even people who are wasting away from AIDS and cancer.
Most of you good folks out there won't ever have heard of the god Shiva. But Shiva gave cannabis to humankind. It says so in the Vedas, holy texts that are about as old as the oldest parts of the Bible.
Shiva is ... how shall we put it ... oh, so slightly miffed.
Wrong. Shiva's running amok, threatening this nation with the worst Atlantic hurricane season in 300 years! And I'd take this seriously, because I have it on good authority that Shiva's buddies with Poseidon.
We need some sanity here. And I mean FEDERAL sanity. We need to take cannabis off Schedule I, where it shares billing with heroin (a known killer, highly addictive) and LSD (a known killer, makes you mental), and at the very VERY LEAST, put it in Schedule II with morphine (a known killer, makes you stop breathing, highly addictive).
Marijuana is not highly addictive, and it does not make you stop breathing. Its leaves and stems can be used to make paper and fiber. If it was placed on the Schedule II list of controlled substances, then properly licensed, DEA-approved doctors could prescribe it for their patients.
And if this country can import 1.2 TONS of morphine every year legally, couldn't it import less than half that, or grow some legal cannabis? Why don't we put the Afghan farmers to work growing legal cannabis? (Right now they're providing cheap, pure heroin to the world.)
Everyone in favor of Schedule II status for cannabis, get up and rally!
(The silence is deafening.)
Everyone who doesn't want to see their $3.2 million shore home washed away by a most pissed off god named Shiva, get up and rally!
I am serious about this. I'm going to write my senator. Well, maybe not my senator. Maybe the Great One, Robert Byrd. We can put the cannabis processing plant in West Virginia, create some jobs. He'll be all for it.
Now I have to go. They're forecasting tornadoes for this area tonight.
Yep, you got it. Shiva's running amok.
CANCER PATIENT? VOTE THE LIBERAL TICKET! WE'LL GET YOU YOUR CANNABIS! AND USE UNION LABOR TO PRODUCE IT!