Wednesday, June 01, 2005

MY MAMA LUVS U, DEEP THROAT

Good morning, and welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Make this your first stop for essential tips on goat grooming and answers to those deep questions about the nature of the universe.

Today we salute a family hero whose name has been unknown to us, until now. And that would be (hats off, rednecks) MARK FELT, a.k.a. "Deep Throat."

Mark, can I still call you "Deep Throat?" Because I feel like I know you. When I was comin' up in the Appalachian Mountains, we followed your progress by reading the Washington Post.

See there? You bigots think hillbillies can't read. Not only do we read, but we read liberal ranting newspapers like the Washington Post!

My mama (bless her deceased soul) read the Washington Post every day, and she knew who Woodward & Bernstein were before they even became Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman. We all rooted for you, "Deep Throat." As a matter of fact, we worried about you. We were afraid one of Nixon's crooks would find out who you were and snuff you.

Now, I understand you're 91 years old. I wonder if you've trained some adepts to follow in your footsteps. Because, frankly, what I think we need in America today is a few brave souls to creep into dark parking garages and whisper information to earnest young reporters.

I have a lot of questions that I don't see answers to in the newspapers. Like, why are we fighting in Iraq, really? And why are we opening 31 million acres of untouched forest, really? And why are we drilling in Alaska for a non-renewable resource that's going to run out this century, really? And when did the government stop being about serving public interest and start being all about serving corporate interest?

And, last but not least, why does my mother-in-law's heart medicine have to cost $300.00 a month, really?

Deep Throat, I salute you, and I thank you for your service to this country. If you have grandchildren or great-grandchildren, please encourage them to follow in your footsteps, right down into that dark garage, where hopefully someone will be waiting to hear the truth.

MAY THE GODDESS BRIGHID THE BRIGHT BLESS DEEP THROAT, HIS ANCESTORS, AND HIS DESCENDENTS.

So might it be,
ANNE

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