Thursday, June 16, 2005

Of Spouses and Fairies

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," the site that unites! Think your religion is the only "TRUE" religion? Pardon me for saying this, but that makes you a moron. If the earth is so full of wonderful abundance, why isn't heaven as well?

For those of you just joining us, howdy! I'm Anne, a West Virginia wannabe living way too close to my neighbors and to a big Northeastern metropolis. About the only good thing I can say about being close to a huge city is that most of the other people crowded into this space vote blue. And that puts me in a comfort zone, except when they're all running their leaf-blowers at the same time (and I'm trying to cast a circle).

Hey, neighbor? USE A @#$@#@#@$ RAKE!

Truly, when I see a man holding a leaf blower, I immediately assume he can't get no satisfaction. Viagra oughta use those things in their commercials.


I've been married 21 years to the same man. Please hold your applause until I conclude my remarks.

The key to a happy marriage is contained in four words. Here they are:

"Yes, dear. You're right."

Don't believe me? Read on:

Husband: George Bush is a moron.

Anne: Yes, dear, you're right.

Husband: That Frist is trying to create a police state.

Anne: Yes, dear, you're right.

Husband: Dick Cheney is looking out for the mega-rich and doing a good job of it, at the ordinary guy's expense.

Anne: Yes, dear, you're right.

Husband: Unions ought to be strengthened in this country.

Anne: Yes, dear, you're right.

Husband: Oh, by the way, some guys are coming tomorrow morning to strip the wallpaper in your home office.

Anne (realizing that she's scheduled a full and frantic day of reading and amending 265 pages single-spaced of 2005 goat-judging protocols, to take place in her home office where she can't hear leaf blowers): AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH..... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Yes, dear, you're right. (gnash teeth)

Now you can applaud.

I hear every woman in America. Especially the Far-Right Christian women, who find this philosophy encoded into their Holy Book. Hey, you moron Chippies! If you'll read this blog you'll see that I chose a good man to begin with, one who owns a rake and knows how to use it!

So, the patient reader asks. Where do fairies figure into this? Well, about a half hour ago, I was allowed back into my office. The nice wallpaper strippers had set my computer back up. It's rockin' on, with goat judging protocols carefully saved and backed up.

But that's not where the fairies enter the picture.

Under 50-odd years of multiple layers of wallpaper is the original 80-year-old wall in my charming home office. Now you druids will appreciate this. Guess what's on this wall?


It CAN and WILL be restored to its full glory, in honor of the bored gods and all they stand for!

Imagine. I've been sitting in this office since 1987, never knowing that these charming oak leaves danced above my head. Know what I think? I think the fairies saved a terrific surprise for me on what they knew would be a long and difficult day.

That's how fairies are. And I pity you by-the-book Christians, because you'll never know how special everyday magic can be.

My husband rakes, and the fairies rock.

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