Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Good morning, and welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we congratulate the lively young minds at Princeton University on their successful Frist Filibuster! It's a bittersweet victory, however. As a godless, kitten-killing, homo-loving, tax-and-spend liberal, I really was hoping for an end to the filibuster so that when the liberals seize power they could put Susan Sarandon and Lou Reed on the Supreme Court.

Actually, there's going to be a very important Supreme Court decision this year that's gonna drive those Far Right Chippies (Christian/hippies) out of their ever-lovin' gourds. And that is the "must be faced" decision on whether or not individual states can enact medical marijuana laws. A classic case of states' rights (conservative) versus a strong federal government (liberal). But oops! It's GANJ. The DEVIL WEED. The tool of Satan vs. the Conservative interpretation of the Constitution! Stay tuned.

The bored gods say, "He who fights use of medical marijuana may need it some day."

Translation: Ganj is good medicine for a lot of things. I don't use it, it's against the law (as is doctor-shopping for Vicodin). But I've had a few run-ins with Jack Daniels in my time, and "anecdotal evidence" tells me that being stoned is not as bad as that.

Today's topic: Kept Women

You Princeton guys are slobbering, thinking I'm going to tell you all about sexy mistresses who sit around luxury apartments in lingerie, waiting for their rich, fat-cat corporate greed-monger married boyfriends to arrive with the diamond bracelets that stimulate the economy.

Sorry. That kind of kept woman now has a new name. She's a trophy wife.

There's another kind of kept woman out there, and I'm surrounded by them. These are highly intelligent, college-educated, upper middle class women who don't have to work because they married well. Husband is breadwinner. He's in pharmaceuticals. He practices corporate law. He's a plastic surgeon. He's a developer. (We have LOTS of developers where I live. The master plan is to cover the entire state in asphalt.)

These wives are kept women. They have nice houses, budgets for pedicures and shopping, time to join book groups and to do charity work. But most of all they are absolutely, positively, relentlessly, avidly, and obsessively devoted to their children. They run the PTA as if it's the FBI. They're constantly after the school board - and the teachers - to make the curriculum more difficult, so their daughters can grow up to be kept women too. They organize talent shows after school, they run girl scout groups, they agonize over their kids' unpopularity, and then when the kid actually gets some friends, they agonize over whether or not they're the right friends.

Welcome to the world Dr. Laura has made. Thanks, Doc.

If you detect a touch of bitterness in my tone, you're right. Because I have to work. Not that my husband's a slacker. Far from it. We live here in Stepford, and our house is almost as nice as all the others. We even have an updated kitchen and one and a half baths, both with low-flow toilets. So it's not like the old man isn't pulling his weight. But when we moved here we were both working, our salaries were deemed barely adequate to meet the mortgage and expenses, and it's been that way ever since. Harder now than ever, in fact. Thanks, Dubya.

Worse, I often have to work on weekends. It's that way when you're a goat judge. So my kids, The Heir and The Spare, are given a tad more latitude than most of the carefully cossetted tweens and teens around here.

This degree of freedom for the old tots has led to no end of snide remarks from the kept women, who feel my children are headed straight to Cannabisville by way of the Abortion Clinic. But because these kept women have college educations, they couch their critiques either in "I really care about your out-of-control child" solicitude, or in subtly wicked comments like, "No one knows Main Street better than The Spare. She's down there all the time."

Yeah, Kept Woman. My Spare is a favorite of all the merchants on Main Street, because she's buying stuff while you're carting your brat to gymnastics in the Ford Expedition. And it hasn't escaped my notice (or yours) that my kid is gorgeous, witty, and dramatic, while your little precious pet is plain, shy, and moody.

The Spare was accused of using physical force against the posh offspring of a kept woman. It might have happened. I wasn't there, I was half mile away, with cell phone highly charged, looking at goats. But guess what? Since being earnestly entreated by said highly educated kept woman to get help for The Spare, I have decided that what The Spare really needs is to be kept away from kept women. Poor Spare. Now she'll be dragged to the goats.

A quick aside: Kept Woman's child showed no blunt trauma force, no missing teeth, no contusions or post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, she's still pals with The Spare, if only in the confines of school.

And poor kept woman's offspring, who didn't have a pal to her name before The Spare came along. Oh well, there's always soccer, and ballet, and piano lessons, and gymnastics, and girl scouts, and church choir, and astronaut club, and chess club, and swim team, and shopping.

My biggest pet peeve about kept women? Why did they need a college education? They don't use it, except maybe some of the vocabulary. What a waste of money.

I say, bring back finishing schools and everything they implied. If you want to be a kept woman, you go to one of those, save your tuition money for a better down payment on a bigger house.

You Princeton girls don't run a high risk of becoming kept women. You didn't get into Princeton because you want to be a good judge of wallpaper and a savvy flea market shopper. But watch out, Princeton gals. Wherever you move, Buffy the Peace Slayer is going to be micro-managing your kids without your help, and she won't be a damn bit grateful when your influenza vaccine saves her precious tots from bird flu.


Anonymous said...

I found your blog because I googled, "kept woman," because I am one. Only I'm not married. And as for being kept, I'm underpaid. Googled that too and didn't find much on the topic.

Enjoyed your writing. (Though, I wonder if your daughter knows you refer to her as the spare. I might be punching other little girls out if I thought me mom was referring to me that way.)

Sounds like you're a Princetonian, so I'm sure you are way smart.

Anonymous said...

I think that some people have waay to much time on their hands. Instead of browbeating the kept woman and all of her excesses to make up for her husband that does not care and her less than attractive children could somebody just be thankful for what they have and that they are healthy. If you really want to get under kept womans skin be nice to her child or children and teach them that there are more important things in life than being rich and kept.You never know where being nice to that little child could lead you.

Medical marijuana
Yes; people who are dieing and in chronic pain should be allowed to smoke pot no matter where they are.But because of the stigma our country has put on this herb, there are people in pain right now who do not have to be. I have a friend whose mother has pancreatic cancer, cannot keep food down and is in a lot of pain. I would get this woman some pot to smoke and she would at least feel better. Oh no she would not smoke it because she is a preachers wife and that is legally and morally wrong because of our stupid government. Now everyone knows that a preachers wife has done nothing but make sacrifices for her family and her husband all of her life. Don't you think she deserves not to be in pain.Hello ---George Washington grew pot and made paper and rope and other things out of it and if you think he did not smoke it You need a big reality check. No, I am not a hippie and I do not smoke pot .Christina - Alabama

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Anonymous said...

May want to investigate this incident of plagiarism..."I seriously envy all kept women. They have well manicured nails, elaborate hair styles, flashy cars, designer outfits and just about any thing else that they want. The weird thing though, is that these women dont have to work a day in their lives, they have husbands who are so affluent that the luxury lifestyle is inevitable. Most kept women marry wealthy businessmen, plastic surgeons, rich lawyers, CEOs and Executives.They pass the time by shopping, joining book groups and doing charity work. But most of all they are absolutely, positively, avidly, and obsessively devoted to their children. They run the PTA as if it's the FBI. They're constantly after the school board - and the teachers - to make the curriculum more difficult, so their daughters can grow up to be kept women too. They organize talent shows after school, they run girl scout groups, they agonize over their kids' unpopularity, and then when the kid actually gets some friends, they agonize over whether or not they're the right friends. However, most of them have held previous jobs like actresses, flight attendants, models, TV presenters and ex-beauty queens. Hmmm, I've never done any of that. I wish that could be me, instead, I get it the hard way. I have to go to law school for 5 years, which entails a lot of stress and depression(my undiagnosed disease), then once I become a lawyer, I have to bill for the entire day, leaving no time for family and friends, just so I can get a decent check at the end of the month. Its sort of unfair. I wonder if I'm pretty enough to be a trophy wife? Probably not, since most of the Jamaican trophy wives are very light skinned and are from a race that is far from black. Did I mention to you bloggers than being black in Jamaica is considered a genetic curse? Well it is, anyway...

I have always wondered about trophy wives. Are they Stepford Wives? (Apparently not, because the trophy wife doesn’t have to cook and clean and get her manicured nails all dirty.) Are they Desperate Housewives? (They can be, if said nail salon can’t find an opening on a Saturday afternoon.) Rock stars in particular, like Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart, never take anything BUT trophy wives. And there are billionaires like Donald Trump, whose latest acquisition is model Melania Knauss. And what happens when the trophy wife gets older, like Bianca Jagger and Ivana Trump? Why, the men dump them, usually with a fair settlement, and take another one! It’s like swapping your Jimmy Choos for a newer, better-looking model.

The pattern, according to psychology magazines, is established. When a young man works hard for a living and finally climbs the corporate ladder, he realises it’s taken him years and he’s no longer in his 30s. (Unless of course he works for Google.) He has it all, living the Western dream, but geez – what should he spend it on? If you’re a woman in that position, you already know the answer. (Prada, Gucci, Ferragamo, Cartier.) Shopping never gets boring. You can have 10 Moschino jeans and still have room for a Chloe. But what would most men do?

"Well, a BMW is a good, sturdy car. And maybe I’d get one of those new S-class Mercs." The old thinking was that the wife had to be less "smart’’ for her husband to be the man of the house. But a new wave of trophy wives has emerged – smart women who can hold their own professionally against their new husbands. The New Age man now wants a wife who is not only attractive, but able to earn top dollar. I think I have a better chance now that most wealthy men want intelligent women. I just hope I find one.lol. Well, I don't want to come across as a golddigger, but who doesnt want to be pampered?" Source of Information-Star Weekend

Sashakay Fairclough is an 18 year old law student who lives in Jamaica. She has been writing for the past 9 years and hopes to publish a book soon. She has a blog- http://sashakayfairclough.blogspot.com. She is an amazing writer and an advocate for women.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sashakay_Fairclough

Nancie said...

Loved your site. My sister and I have often lamented that we too could have sat in the bleachers with our cute shorts sets on wearing cute little matching hats with Yurman and Hardy Jewelry IF we had married good after college. Unfortunately, we still were in to cute men, of course with college degrees. But DIVORCE happened and we discovered we should have married better to divorce better.
Oh, bring back those nerdy guys that I turned down for so many dates. Now, I'm old, wrinkling, gray and gasey!! I'm a trophy, but without a man- haven't considered my significant other being a female.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed reading your article. It's like sister talk. I just want to know one thing - what can one do to become a kept woman at age 63?
Nancie at www.nanciecochran.com

Anonymous said...

Well, Iv'e earned the right to be this kept woman that I finally am. After doing everything right alongside my husband twenty years ago , I remember not having enough money to buy diapers! I havnt worked outside the home in 18 years. My daughter just graduated high school with honers and is going to college this year.It hasnt been easy My kids are 7 years apart.! I dont fweel guilty because we finally have the money to enjoy life a little! We both earn our share in different ways. My husband who used to be gone 70 hours a week, is now working from home. Dont be envious of what other people do! Find a way and do it yourself!

Anonymous said...

Hmm. This is a truly interesting blog. I was a feminist, got my degree in math, became a programmer and shortly afterwards became pregnant and married. Felt that staying home would be best for my baby. "KEPT" ? Is that what you folks call it? Its 24 hrs a day work, and you don't get any social security benefits. After 16 yrs and caring avidly for my two children, divorce. Nursing BSN, Masters in Physical Therapy and Disability due to Severe Hypertension, etc. Never received a dime of alimony because I just wanted out. Here I am, trying to survive on 698/mo. "KEPT"?

Anonymous said...

I am this kind of "kept woman." My husband owns a successful real estate company and I have devoted my life to my children. It is exhausting, time-consuming, difficult, and at times mind-numbingly boring. I can't do it anymore. My devoted husband has now agreed to put me through medical school. I will always have respect for the women that sacrificed their dreams to be the stay-at-home moms they wished they had had as children.

Anonymous said...

Just got back from a visit to the East coast in search of my Ivy League-educated, deadbeat divorced doctor dad. Noticed that his adult adopted daughter is the kept woman in this scenario. Thank you for writing so bitingly. Keep going, you inspire me.

Rundel said...

You know you've hit the mark when the commenters get all their kept panties in a bunch and can't respond to what you're actually writing. Infact they agree with you !
Remember Principle Skinners wife "Think of the CHILDREN!!"

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a bad case of "the grass is always greener..." We never know for sure what goes on behind closed doors everyone has their skeletons. If you feel like the neighbor ladies come across as harsh, perhaps it's not that they're so uppity but just stressed to the max about something you are clueless on, have a more open mind and heart. Maybe you should lay off the Jack and smoke some ganj.

-a lower middle class republican mother of 7