Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Dobson Loves Gays and Other Chippie Nonsense

So much ground to cover - so little time! Goat judging season is swinging into gear, and I've got a lot of work to do to hone the old skills. Although evaluating milk productivity and forelock grooming can be as easy to fall back into as riding a bike, there's a big difference between a good goat judge and a GREAT goat judge, and I always strive for greatness.

So, today, must be brief.

If you're just joining us, this is "The Gods Are Bored," the blog that takes the pulse of the American people on behalf of the deities to whom Stonehenge was dedicated. The bored gods are older than the Pyramids. They were rockin' on when Yahweh still had his Asherah (don't ask about this last statement unless you really want to know how complicated the religious picture actually was in ancient Israel). Think the earth is just 6,000 years old? Ha ha! Queen Brighid the Bright says that labels you as a dummy. She has jars of jam older than that.

Okay. Today's news. Dobson loves Gays! Oh, all you gay people out there, doesn't that make you feel better? Your partner of 40 years may lose all semblance of a standard of living when you die, but Dobson loves you!

How do I know this? I read some newspaper piece from a guy who runs a Chippie (Christian/hippie) outfit called Evangelicals for Social Change.

Evangelicals for Social Change. Wow, that does sound like Students for a Democratic Society, doesn't it? Can you blame me for calling these people Chippies?

Evangelicals for Social Change. That comes two tenths of an inch from being an oxymoron. "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven..." And who said that? There I go with names again. I'll attribute this one to Fred Astaire. Sounds like something he crooned as he swept Ginger across the sound stage.

Anyway, this Evangelical for Social Change says that Dobson loves gay people. Dobson volunteers his time at an AIDS hospice. That's proof right there that he loves you, Jim and John, Betty and Boopsie.

Next time you see him, ask him if he'll perform your wedding.

Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely believe Dobson loves gay people. He also loves child molesters, serial killers, arsonists, and Vicodin addicts - as long as those people repent of their sins. So if you're homosexual, and you decide that your life since birth has been one long, protracted sin, and you want to go straight, find a nice girl and a mortgage, sire a few good Christian children, Dobson is definitely your man.

If you're living happily with the same sweet partner you fell in love with 20 years ago, and you're getting older and watching straight couples plan those pensions and Social Security benefits and all that good stuff, and wondering how your beloved will get along if, Goddess forbid, you kick the bucket, I somehow just don't think you can count on Dobson's love to get your partner into that pension plan.

Dobson's love has a string attached. You've gotta be ever so sorry you ever did all those insane, sick, demented, depraved homo things. No sorry, no love. Sad thing is, Dobson feels his deity has the same opinion. He uses as evidence a text written about three quarters of the way into the history of the earth.

A Chippie woman who was vocally protesting a gay rights rally recently put it this way: "If you see that someone's house is on fire, you holler at them so they can get out in time. Don't you?"

I love Chippie analogies. You'll see lots of them here at "The Gods Are Bored." This one is priceless. It shows such a depth of love.

Hey, all you gay and lesbian people out there! Guess who REALLY loves you, and for all the right reasons? Queen Brighid the Bright! She created you, from birth, and she celebrates your contributions, or lack thereof, to overpopulation and the rape of the globe. A vote for Queen Brighid is a vote for gay marriage, and all other civil rights not yet extended to gay folks. And she won't even care if you use a Christian clergyperson to officiate at your ceremony. Remember, she's the Mother of God.

To Dobson and his Chippie Geeks: Take your "God is gonna getcha" love and apply it to Charles Manson. Or Osama bin Laden, who will understand exactly where you're coming from.

To Evangelicals for Social Change: Closely monitor how the U.S. government influences politics in Africa. That should keep you so busy you won't have time to agitate against gay marriage.

To all you 4-H kids out there: Get those goats in line, I'm ready to judge. I love my job, and that's no lie.

Tomorrow: Why it bothers Chippie women that their husbands masturbate.