Frank Talk about Sex with Cell Phones

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(I saw you! You blushed!)

Do you have a cell phone? I have one, and I'll be doggoned if I can get it to work. But that might actually be a good thing, because some of the stuff cell phones can do these days can get you into deep buzzard barf.

We'll use a hypothetical young lady named Debbie for our educational film, "The Cell Phone: A Man-Made Menace."

Debbie and her significant other decide to get it on, and they turn on their cell phone's video recorder for the fun of it. And when they're finished getting it on, wow-ee, there's something fun to watch on that long bus ride to high school!

Except that Debbie's pal borrows the phone, watches the hot stuff, and beams it to Debbie's ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend, you choose). The ex, steamed to the max, beams "Debbie Does Ditzville" to just about everyone on his call list.

Pretty soon, dear old Debbie is Doing Detroit, Dubuque, Duluth, Dublin, Des Moines, Daytona, Dresden, Dubai, Denmark, Down Under, and ... we should never forget Dallas.

Worse than that. With his unlimited powers of phone-tapping, President Bush has deemed Debbie dangerous, and now she's Doing the Department of Defense.

Finally, Debbie's brother Darren down in Delaware gets a copy of the drama on his phone. He dials Debbie's dad, who's driven to drink by the debacle.

If you think this can't happen, you should read the newspaper more often.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" aren't going to tell you how to use your cell phone. But you might want to think twice before you hit the "record" button and then get hot and heavy with your honey.

Gives a whole new meaning to "come to the phone."