Monday, January 21, 2008

Frank Talk about Sex with Robots

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Today we're gonna talk about sex! I don't know about you, but it's one of my favorite things. I'd rather have sex than go shopping, which might explain my shabby wardrobe.

The Philadelphia Inquirer runs a weekly column about sex. Usually it's boring stuff like how fruit flies go queer if they're subjected to LSD ... oh, I don't know, that's just a ficitious example, but not too far from the truth.

Today's topic was a new book out called Love and Sex with Robots, by David Levy. Mr. Levy says we're just a few short years away from gettin it on with androids.

So please tell me when and why we bypassed gettin the housework done by androids. Because I sure as hell would rather have a robot that did dishes than one that did Dallas.

Mr. Levy makes the case that men in particular would love robots that responded to their ... emm ... oh phooey! If you've seen The Stepford Wives, I need not say more. Except that man-on-robot would probably rank in popularity somewhere between man-on-cow and man-on-dog. (What would I do without Rick Santorum and his "man-on-dog" remark?)

But Mr. Levy also says that women would go for these boy toys. I'm sitting here trying to picture this in my mind. Because this goes way past the fun stuff you buy at that little store on the dark alley. This is, like, a whole functional creation here. (I wonder if you can choose hair and eye color?)

I'm not going to pry into your sex life here, but I think average people can do complicated and creative things in the sack. So, would a robot be willing and able to play a little game like "The Very Distracted Tourist and the Very Vigilant Orangutan?"

(I got that example from Mel Brooks' The Producers, not from Chateau Johnson.)

Sex with robots. Well, if that becomes common, it will put a whole lot of nice pubs right out of business. Other industries will suffer as well, and I don't think I need to mention them here. This is a family values web log.

I have so many questions about my sex robot. Take hygiene, for instance. Does he need a daily shower, or can I just spruce him up with a Windex wet-wipe? One assumes as well that the she-bot would need some over-the-counter feminine products that men don't usually purchase at the pharmacy.

Can't you see it? Guy comes to the drugstore counter with a box of Summer's Eve Disposable ... emmm ... and the pharmacist says, "Hot night with the old robotess, ay buddy?"

The Philadelphia Inquirer article says that these sexy nonhumans will retail at about $7000. For the love of fruit flies! You could have a fine time in Vegas with that kind of dough, probably even find someone to play the Vigilant Orangutan.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" are not going to dictate your sex life to you, or tell you how to spend your money. But let's get real, guys and gals. If you've got $7000 sitting around, that could give you 200 decent nights in a pub, in which you're doggoned bound to find someone who will not have to be stuffed under the bed when your mom comes to visit.


Darn! Can't get the "off" button to work!



yellowdog granny said...

since I haven't had sex in 23 years...a robot sounds pretty long as he doesn't want to do it during my soaps and during any football game..
and doesn't speak..but for $7,000 I could buy a lot of batteries for my little friend and still have money left over for a new couch...

Tennessee Jed said...

What a complicated sort of turned me on though.

Rosie said...

I'm with exactly did we bypass the maidbot? And the Roomba doesn't count because I noticed, with my advanced understanding of physics, that the Roomba doesn't have enough space to store all the dog hair my cockers lovingly deposit around the house for me. Unless the Roomba has some sort of wormhole technology built in that they aren't telling us about.

And I'm much more likely to spend 7000 bucks on a mandroid who can do things like change the oil in the jeep, split firewood, and--you know--DO STUFF. 'Cause, I got to tell you--you can pick up a human of either gender for nothing that will just lay around the house watching TV and having sex.

WHY??? WHY would I pay for that?

Anonymous said...

Can't help but think if it was a Data type robot, those of us who are single and don't have sex partners, well we might find this a pretty nice thing to have. Much more interesting than the thing I got in a back alley and it could talk back to you.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, what Rosie said. DO STUFF. OTHER STUFF.


Thomas said...

I think such devices will tank.


Because sex and masturbation aren't the same thing. They don't fulfill the same emotional needs. They don't give equivalent forms of satisfaction. One is not a substitute, nor an analog for the other.

A sex toy, no matter how advanced, that makes masturbation more resemble intercourse without somehow making it more enjoyable isn't going to fly, especially not for those prices.

The only market I see is for celebrity themed sexbots, but then you'd need to get said celebrities to agree to the use of likeness.

Illisse said...

I agree with you - Maidbot before Sexbot because Illissebot hates to clean.


Anonymous said...

Kayak says:

The maidbot was skipped simply because it is legal to use a cleaning service when/if necessary.
Now a sexbot is a HOLE different matter.
Considering the price of gas and vehicles, $7,000 ain’t so bad considering the ride. I assume they will come with attachments so one could experiment to determine one’s sexual preference. A couple of snaps and you could be gay one night and straight the next. You could buy two and watch them if you enjoy voyeurism! Even a threesome becomes a possibility. Why the variety would be endless! You could…
Wait a minute; I’m rubbing against the bottom of the desk.
Dum dee dum dee dum……
Now I can’t see the letters on the damn keys!
My GOD! My parents were right!

Anne Johnson said...

Well, I guess Mrs. Kayak got an evening off and a good night's sleep.