Thursday, January 03, 2008

"Gods Are Bored" Iowa Endorsement

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored" on Iowa Caucus day! It's time for us to endorse a candidate! And ah, it's so difficult. So many fine morons from which to choose. So many wealthy and influential folks with big, fat war chests for commercials in which they sell themselves like breakfast cereals. How can we separate the wheat from the chaff?

Can't. So, with no further ado, we at "The Gods Are Bored" endorse Mike Huckabee as the next president of the United States of America.

Mike is the only candidate who exhibits the same low level brain activity as our current sitting president. If elected, he would certainly continue the ridiculously wasteful and ill-conceived war in Iraq. We might ambitiously expect that he would be braver than the current administration and just shove our nation's aggression into Iran.

Mike's domestic agenda is simple enough. White men own things, women stay barefoot and pregnant, and everybody must go to Christian church (preferably not one of those mushy churches like the Methodists, and certainly nothing as radical as the UUs). Dust off that Bible, because the government will be coming to your house to make sure you're reading it to your kids every night at dinnertime.

If you vote for Mike, which I hope you will, you'll also be saving yourself from melanoma. Because you'll want to stay out of the sunshine, so that no one will confuse you with those brown people who will be deported. You'll want your skin to be lily white. Except if you're black. But if you're black, you'll be okay if you go to church and work for the Man.

Mike Huckabee will rid this nation of all the nasty, mentally ill homosexuals who choose to live a dirty, unnatural lifestyle. Well, okay. If you're gay you can stay, as long as you choose to be celibate, or if you marry someone of the other gender and have a healthy, normal, Christian family. If you don't think this can be done, you don't listen to Focus on the Family.

Finally -- and vitally important to us at "The Gods Are Bored" -- Mike Huckabee will shut down these pesky labor unions once and for all. Just look how daintily he crossed a picket line to be on Jay Leno's show last night! Striking workers should be deported along with the brown people! Then America would get back all the jobs the Chinese are doing for 14 cents an hour, because Americans would be willing to work for 14 cents an hour.

Oh, and I almost forgot. As president, Mike Huckabee will pardon all convicted rapists. After all, these men are just doing the human race a favor, trying to create more little humans inside the bodies of the inferior gender.

Only a moron of epic magnitude could compare with George W. Bush. We at "The Gods Are Bored" are convinced that Mike Huckabee is that moron. So vote for him, because things in this country won't begin to change until times become so desperate that desperate measures will be taken. The French Revolution springs to mind.

Huckabee in '08. Stay the disastrous course!


yellowdog granny said...

holy shit!....if that doesn't get them to vote for someone else..nothing will...besides ...he is creepy looking..

Buzzardbilly said...

OMG! I feel this incredible urge to go out stumping for Mike Huckabee now! Thank you fellow buzzard lover! ;)

yellowdog granny said...

ooooooobama won!

Kullervo said...

To be fair...

First, I want to say that Mike's idiotic stance on foreign policy is pretty much exactly what you describe. Since the President's main power is in the military and foreign affairs, and here his power is virtually unilateral and unchecked, this means that Mike should never, ever, ever be elected President. Ever.

However, I don't think you're really being fair about his domestic platform. Yeah, Mike's a hardcore Baptist, but it seems to me that his Christianity informs his politics in the way we wish Christianity would inform peoples' politics: concern for the poor, respect for the environment, etc.

Yeah, he's pro-life, but that's pretty much a non-negotiable issue for conservative Christians who believe that an unborn fetus has a right to live that trumps its mother's right to choose. It might not be a popular opinion, but it's not a completely unreasonable one.

Anyway, my point is not to stump for Huckabee (I'm a Democrat, and hope to be voting for Obama), but just to point out that while this post is clever and sardonic, it doesn't really reflect Huckabee's platform, even adjusting for comic exaggeration.

Anne Johnson said...

I heard Mike Huckabee call homosexuality "abnormal" on Meet the Press on Sunday. Before he got cut off, he said that homosexuality is a "lifestyle choice" that people make, and that they can decide not to do it.

Re unions: He crossed a picket line. No other political candidate in either party was willing to do that. Letterman settled with his writers and accepted their contract demands.

You do not reveal your gender, so perhaps you do not have as much to lose as American women do if this man assumes office and loads the Supreme Court with more activist judges.

Frankly I wouldn't have written this post if I thought he had a chance of winning. I see him as a menace, and my next post about him won't be funny at all.

JaAnBe said...

BTW - while there are some Unitarian Universalist (UU) congregations who/which consider themselves Christian, a lot of us cringe at being labeled as such.

Anne Johnson said...

I know, you dudes/dudettes rock.