Sunday, March 31, 2013

Visitor, Hiding out on Easter Sunday, Whining As Usual

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Dole out those chocolate bunnies, those awesome peeps, the plastic grass that is impossible to pick up! It's Easter, yet another holiday brought to us by the ancient Romans!

But, like so many other holidays, Easter has been co-opted, and not even Sunday School teachers know why it is named "Easter." I never thought to ask that one when I was a kid.

This is the day when many C&E's come out of the woodwork. (C&E stands for "Christmas and Easter," as in the number of times most people attend church in a year.) Needless to say, the fleeting renewed interest in righteous behavior has sent the slacking whiner, Mr. Applegate, into my living room, where he threatens to leave sulfuric residue on the rattan. So I'm yanking him out of there by agreeing to yet another interview. This guy never gets tired of hearing his own voice.

Anne: So what's it today, Applegate?

Applegate: I'm so worried about future generations of Americans! Your children and grandchildren, Anne!

Anne: Why? Are future generations of Americans going to dump you as a worthless relic of a medieval mindset?

Applegate: Of course not! It's that government debt. This huge government debt that your children will have to pay some day. It will take them broke!

Anne: Excuse me, you fire-breathing idiot. My daughters are already broke! One already has enough college loans to pay back that she'll never own a car. The other one is still racking them up by the fistful. Four years of college, honor roll, and The Heir doesn't earn enough to rent an apartment. Tell me when, exactly, I should worry about her being broke. I think it's now.

Applegate: It's going to get worse, I tell you. Worse! Big government spending ... curb it!

Anne: Have you been dining with Dick Cheney again?

Applegate: Every Friday night. He has an excellent chef. And he is deeply worried about future generations of Americans.

Anne: I'll bet he is. *cough*

Applegate: Well, take this minimum wage thing, for instance.

Anne: Don't go there.

Applegate: It should be reduced! How can businesses flourish when they have to pay their employees such high wages?

Anne: Oh, I don't know. Cut hours? Don't offer benefits?

Applegate: Excellent stop-gap measures, but they don't go far enough. Can't you understand? Rich people have worked hard to get where they are! Why should they help the people who don't work hard? It just creates an entitlement society, where the government rubs your feet even when you haven't been standing on them.

Anne: I'll bet Dick Cheney's chef is cooking up a nice Easter feast. Why don't you biff off...

Applegate: Going to. It starts at 7:00. Until then I just want to lay low, if you know what I mean.

Anne: I'm whistling in the wind when I tell you that Dick Cheney and his big-business buddies are greedy villains...

Applegate: Tee hee! That's why I love them so much!

Anne: They want to grab the last dime out of the fossil fuel industry, even though we could be getting our power from green energy sources. You want to worry about the future generations of Americans? Try this one. They will have to deal with global climate change. And genetically engineered food with such a soup of pesticides, herbicides, and fungicides in it that even sturdy honeybees keel when they eat it.

(Editorial pause while Anne awkwardly links.

Applegate: Well, now, we don't want famine, do we?

Anne: Famine! So it can only be one of two things -- carcinogenic tomatoes or starvation? How about sensible farming practices? How about an apple that tastes good, worm and all, instead of one that looks good and ships without bruising?

Applegate: Fuss all you like. Genetically engineered food is a done deal, and President Obama signed into law a measure that sees to it that you can't sue if you get cancer.

(Editor pause while Anne awkwardly links.

Anne: Oh, I see the whole thing now! You were behind this, you evil Devil! While everyone was distracted by the Supreme Court debating something that should be a given, you got a sneaky farm bill passed that protects Big Ag as they fix to kill us softly!

Applegate: *studies fingernails happily* The timing was impeccable.

Anne: Well, guess what, Mr. Bad? You've got a new enemy out there. It's called Facebook. Know how I learned of the "Monsanto Protection Act?" I got it in my feed, from a friend. Go ahead. Shut Facebook down. Double dog dare ya.

Applegate: My hackers are working on it. Any day now.

Anne: Oh, look! Easter Mass has just ended at the Catholic church down the block! Yo! Children of the One God! Come and get your damn Devil and banish him back from whence he came!

Applegate: They don't scare me. I dine with their leadership every Tuesday.

Anne: All right, then. Yo! Thor! Mars! Bel! Valkyries! Escort this Devil to the perimeter, and don't be gentle about it!

Applegate: Oh, no no no! Not necessary! There's your neighbor, the lawyer who works for Exxon. I'll go chill with him for awhile!

Anne: "Chill." Oh, brother. Anyway, good riddance of bad rubbish! Someone should lock the door so that Mr. Applegate has to rot in Hell. As for my neighbor -- he's wearing his church clothes. A guy who won't even buy a box of Girl Scout cookies probably spent the morning pretending to pray for the poor. What. A. World.


Vest said...

Never sent a card or recieved one no Easter chocs bunnies or eggs, never went to church never do and had roast lamb for dinner on Easter Sunday.
I believe there are more people in this world of ours who have died to save us all from tyranny than just one guy who was and is in all probability a complete myth.
I am very charitible as a person and admire and respect your faith in your almighty. Humanists like myself do not feel like lesser persons, just wiser and not subjugated to the laws of ancient fairy stories.

Anonymous said...

I have a new favorite blog! I have thoroughly enjoyed the few post I have read. I was a C&E for so long and have realized in the past 5 or so years that it was not for me. I have yet to find "my path" but I am working on it. I work in a non profit and have had so many of the thoughts you expressed (I would never have thought to express them the way you do!). LOVE!