Sunday, March 17, 2013

Holidays that Are Not Celebrated by the Bored Gods

Hello and welcome from "The Gods Are Bored!" Sitting here sober on March 15, because this day is one of several holidays that are not sanctioned by the bored gods.

You cannot find a single bored deity in any pantheon who has a good word to say about St. Patrick. From what I can tell, Patrick was as successful as Moses. He started out as a slave in Ireland, wound up bringing in the busy god and spreading Him far and wide in the Emerald Isle. The element of revenge in his Christianization of Ireland is lost on both Christians and Pagans. And let's not sugar-coat the Pagans. If the Celtic Irish had treated St. Patty better, maybe he would have taken Brighid to the monks on the mainland.

Long story short, the bored gods have asked me to pass along this list of holidays that They do not observe:

1. St. Patrick's Day. Wear green because it's becoming spring outside, not because of some saint who routed a whole pantheon of deities.

2. Sweetest Day. Okay, if you're not from the Midwest, you don't celebrate this one anyway. If you are from Cleveland, rock on with Sweetest -- just don't invite the bored gods.

3. Buzzard Day (observed this weekend in Hinckley, Ohio): vulture worship only

4. Fourth of July. Unless we can muster more respect for the Goddess Columbia, this one's a bust.

5. President's Day. Bored deities who work in retail hate this one. Extra hours and busy aisles ... not very holy.

6. Columbus Day. Soundly and widely detested by numerous Western Hemisphere deities of multiple pantheons.

7. VJ and VE Days. Oh, wait. We don't celebrate those anymore. How soon we forget!

8. Boxing Day, even if it is a very good idea.

9. Spring Break. You can't fool the bored gods. They know this one was created for the Florida tourism industry. Spring is planting season!

10. Super Bowl Sunday. Minimal appeal to a few warrior gods, otherwise a bust.

If you feel like celebrating on any of these days, feel free. Just don't expect any celestial participation.

And, as usual, I will pay you to take this free advice, because that's how the economy works. Send me an invoice.

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