Friday, July 09, 2010

Time To Found My Very Own University

Welcome to the brand-new home of Phuque University! Inspired by the grand example of Mr. Glenn Beck, I, Anne Johnson, am going to launch an online college! How hard can it be?

Well, first you need a mascot. I happen to know that this darling fellow has been out of work for awhile. So, for the Phuque U Fighting Liberals, here's "Perfy!" What an inspiration!

Phuque U will be applying for federal financial aid, and you will qualify for federal loans if you enroll. All the same, we're not going to allow any of those pesky Christian social groups to organize on our campus. If the government says we have to allow them in order to qualify for government subsidies, we'll wring our hands and say it's a violation of our moral values!

Should our liberal course list, liberal standards of deportment, and liberal views on each and every civil issue not dissuade the enrollment of, say, Mormon young men, then guess what? They're not allowed! And if they say it's not fair, because we're taking government money to run Phuque U, we'll just tell them to Phuque Off! This is our university, we set our applicant and social standards, and we say, NO MORMONS. Don't try to sneak past us either. We're not running some "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" operation here. We will find you and make you feel extremely unwelcome!

What does every university need to be successful and financially stable -- besides federal subsidies? Of course! A vibrant, take-no-prisoners football team, Division I-A!

Glenn Beck ... where's your football team? You're goin down, chump!

Okay, so this is an online university. Where will our football team play? We need a stadium! Naah. We'll just send our best gamers to some virtual war site and let them pummel opponents wholesale in the proud name of Phuque U.


(Beck should have hired me. Now it's too late. One up.)

Actually we do plan to borrow something from Glenn Beck, but we'll do it better.

Phuque U will not tolerate fact-based learning or peer-reviewed research. This much we get from Beck. However, we take this up a notch. We don't want you to learn anything that's been proven or accepted as a fact for any amount of time. At Phuque U, we reject the Bible, Beowulf, Egyptian hieroglyphics, and Australopithecus equally, because they're all fraudulent! Lies, lies, lies!

You say the Book of Revelation was actually written during the worst days of the Roman Empire? Silly goose! My good friend  Itzack Bunchacrap wrote that one night when he got some bad shrooms. I have the primary sources to prove it: a slightly soiled map of the Adirondacks with Itzack's shroomy scrawl in the margins. You don't even have to see it to believe it. Trust me. You do trust me, right?

Our very first course here at Phuque U will be "States of Confusion: The Delaware Conspiracy."

I'll bet you believe that the state of Delaware exists. Forget it! You were taught that by dangerously subversive manipulators of bogus information! There's no such place as the state of Delaware. If you live in Kansas, you already know this. But there are a lot of fools here on the East Coast who actually think they're driving through Delaware, just because some sign on I-95 says, "Welcome to Delaware." What kind of proof is that? Anyone with any kind of devious motive can put up a sign! Take it from Anne Johnson, Professor of Everything at Phuque U: "Delaware" is a Russian plot to take over America. And you fall for it! You stop at that so-called "Delaware toll booth" and fork over $4.00 (both ways), thinking it pays for the highway. Ha ha, blind lemming! All of that money goes straight to the Kremlin! There is no Delaware. Repeat after me. There is no Delaware.

Now that you see the kind of high quality instruction you'll receive here at Phuque U, I'm sure you're eager to enroll. You can get the entire course, "States of Confusion: The Delaware Conspiracy" for three easy payments of $399! Go ahead, try to find cheaper tuition than that! Best part is, you don't have to buy any books. We frown on books. Nasty things, full of lies.

To save you time, we've prepared the following list of people who won't qualify for Phuque U, so don't bother applying to our federally-funded university:

1. Mormons (aforementioned).
2. Anyone even remotely affiliated with the Tea Party movement (It's a commie conspiracy, like Delaware).
3. People who don't shave the hair off their toes.
4. Lithuanians, even with valid American citizenship. Can't trust Lithuanians.
5. Mimes.

On the other hand, we dole out generous scholarships to the following:

1. High-scoring online gamers.
2. People who know how to fix broken kitchen cabinets.
3. Anyone willing to wear that Perfy costume in hot, humid weather.
4. People who can trace their ancestry to those who remained loyal to King George during the so-called American Revolution (which is actually a lie, it should be called "The Casting Off," because Britain just didn't want responsibility for America anymore).

Sign up today and receive a 1 percent discount on your first semester of enrollment!

Welcome to Phuque U. And remember our motto: "Mentiri, Semper Mentiri."


Sarita Rucker said...

Darn it, I don't shave the hair on my toes. I guess I can't join your cool new school.

Souris Optique said...

I only *sometimes* shave the toe hair. But the frowning-on-books thing would sort of leave me out too -- I was so hoping there would be a Librarian position open at Phuque U.

...I have to say though, "Mentiri, Semper Mentiri." sounds suspiciously like the motto for Blech's* school.


Intense Guy said...

I'm caught with the unshaven toe hair thing too... shucks.

You bring up and interesting mental exercise... "What is left to learn after "We don't want you to learn anything that's been proven or accepted as a fact for any amount of time."

First off was a thought of the saccarine causes cancer - no it does no - debacle... This could be a most interesting college.


P.s., I believe in Santa, Batman and Robin (who live in Pottstown, PA) and in the existance of Delaware (which is actually a pretty nice state...)

THE Michael said...

I WAX the hair off my toes, thank you, and I want to apply for a faculty position at your new (ahem) "university". I want to be assistant vice coulda-been principle of your adult career development center so that I can sell home schooled evangelical kids bogus GED's. I figure the more bogus "credentials of higher learning" we can salt the Earth with, the better OUR credentials will appear to be. Also, I would like a very large electronic chalkboard upon which to construct my conspiracy theories so that MY "facts" appear larger, and thus much more accurate, than Beck's.

Oh, and I want lots of money for it. Silver certificates, in fact, not that funny peach-colored commie monopoly money the grand liberal conspiracy is foisting on us.

Anne Johnson said...

Michael, you are now Dean of Nothing In Particular. Help yourself to salary and benefits as the cash rolls in. I appreciate your curriculum development strategies!

Lori F -MN said...

You forgot to mention that Texas is actually part of Mexico and Alaska is part of Canada.

I'm in the mood for some higher learning. Nothing too taxing, you understand.

sott'Eos said...

I would like to apply to hold the "Ron Jeremy Chair of the Cinematic Arts". It's not just an "endowed" chair...

kimc said...

When you listed "4. People who can trace their ancestry to those who remained loyal to King George during the so-called American Revolution" did you realize that probably includes George W Bush?