We at "The Gods Are Bored" are all about making you laugh. All three of you readers! Check out this original film by Spare, starring Heir.
Damn.
Showing posts with label made Anne guffaw. Show all posts
Showing posts with label made Anne guffaw. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
Friday, July 09, 2010
Time To Found My Very Own University
Welcome to the brand-new home of Phuque University! Inspired by the grand example of Mr. Glenn Beck, I, Anne Johnson, am going to launch an online college! How hard can it be?
Well, first you need a mascot. I happen to know that this darling fellow has been out of work for awhile. So, for the Phuque U Fighting Liberals, here's "Perfy!" What an inspiration!
Phuque U will be applying for federal financial aid, and you will qualify for federal loans if you enroll. All the same, we're not going to allow any of those pesky Christian social groups to organize on our campus. If the government says we have to allow them in order to qualify for government subsidies, we'll wring our hands and say it's a violation of our moral values!
Should our liberal course list, liberal standards of deportment, and liberal views on each and every civil issue not dissuade the enrollment of, say, Mormon young men, then guess what? They're not allowed! And if they say it's not fair, because we're taking government money to run Phuque U, we'll just tell them to Phuque Off! This is our university, we set our applicant and social standards, and we say, NO MORMONS. Don't try to sneak past us either. We're not running some "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" operation here. We will find you and make you feel extremely unwelcome!
What does every university need to be successful and financially stable -- besides federal subsidies? Of course! A vibrant, take-no-prisoners football team, Division I-A!
Glenn Beck ... where's your football team? You're goin down, chump!
Okay, so this is an online university. Where will our football team play? We need a stadium! Naah. We'll just send our best gamers to some virtual war site and let them pummel opponents wholesale in the proud name of Phuque U.
EXHIBIT A: THE PHUQUE U FIGHTING LIBERALS VARSITY WORLD OF WARCRAFT TEAM
(Beck should have hired me. Now it's too late. One up.)
Actually we do plan to borrow something from Glenn Beck, but we'll do it better.
Phuque U will not tolerate fact-based learning or peer-reviewed research. This much we get from Beck. However, we take this up a notch. We don't want you to learn anything that's been proven or accepted as a fact for any amount of time. At Phuque U, we reject the Bible, Beowulf, Egyptian hieroglyphics, and Australopithecus equally, because they're all fraudulent! Lies, lies, lies!
You say the Book of Revelation was actually written during the worst days of the Roman Empire? Silly goose! My good friend Itzack Bunchacrap wrote that one night when he got some bad shrooms. I have the primary sources to prove it: a slightly soiled map of the Adirondacks with Itzack's shroomy scrawl in the margins. You don't even have to see it to believe it. Trust me. You do trust me, right?
Our very first course here at Phuque U will be "States of Confusion: The Delaware Conspiracy."
I'll bet you believe that the state of Delaware exists. Forget it! You were taught that by dangerously subversive manipulators of bogus information! There's no such place as the state of Delaware. If you live in Kansas, you already know this. But there are a lot of fools here on the East Coast who actually think they're driving through Delaware, just because some sign on I-95 says, "Welcome to Delaware." What kind of proof is that? Anyone with any kind of devious motive can put up a sign! Take it from Anne Johnson, Professor of Everything at Phuque U: "Delaware" is a Russian plot to take over America. And you fall for it! You stop at that so-called "Delaware toll booth" and fork over $4.00 (both ways), thinking it pays for the highway. Ha ha, blind lemming! All of that money goes straight to the Kremlin! There is no Delaware. Repeat after me. There is no Delaware.
Now that you see the kind of high quality instruction you'll receive here at Phuque U, I'm sure you're eager to enroll. You can get the entire course, "States of Confusion: The Delaware Conspiracy" for three easy payments of $399! Go ahead, try to find cheaper tuition than that! Best part is, you don't have to buy any books. We frown on books. Nasty things, full of lies.
To save you time, we've prepared the following list of people who won't qualify for Phuque U, so don't bother applying to our federally-funded university:
1. Mormons (aforementioned).
2. Anyone even remotely affiliated with the Tea Party movement (It's a commie conspiracy, like Delaware).
3. People who don't shave the hair off their toes.
4. Lithuanians, even with valid American citizenship. Can't trust Lithuanians.
5. Mimes.
On the other hand, we dole out generous scholarships to the following:
1. High-scoring online gamers.
2. People who know how to fix broken kitchen cabinets.
3. Anyone willing to wear that Perfy costume in hot, humid weather.
4. People who can trace their ancestry to those who remained loyal to King George during the so-called American Revolution (which is actually a lie, it should be called "The Casting Off," because Britain just didn't want responsibility for America anymore).
Sign up today and receive a 1 percent discount on your first semester of enrollment!
Welcome to Phuque U. And remember our motto: "Mentiri, Semper Mentiri."
Well, first you need a mascot. I happen to know that this darling fellow has been out of work for awhile. So, for the Phuque U Fighting Liberals, here's "Perfy!" What an inspiration!
Phuque U will be applying for federal financial aid, and you will qualify for federal loans if you enroll. All the same, we're not going to allow any of those pesky Christian social groups to organize on our campus. If the government says we have to allow them in order to qualify for government subsidies, we'll wring our hands and say it's a violation of our moral values!
Should our liberal course list, liberal standards of deportment, and liberal views on each and every civil issue not dissuade the enrollment of, say, Mormon young men, then guess what? They're not allowed! And if they say it's not fair, because we're taking government money to run Phuque U, we'll just tell them to Phuque Off! This is our university, we set our applicant and social standards, and we say, NO MORMONS. Don't try to sneak past us either. We're not running some "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" operation here. We will find you and make you feel extremely unwelcome!
What does every university need to be successful and financially stable -- besides federal subsidies? Of course! A vibrant, take-no-prisoners football team, Division I-A!
Glenn Beck ... where's your football team? You're goin down, chump!
Okay, so this is an online university. Where will our football team play? We need a stadium! Naah. We'll just send our best gamers to some virtual war site and let them pummel opponents wholesale in the proud name of Phuque U.
EXHIBIT A: THE PHUQUE U FIGHTING LIBERALS VARSITY WORLD OF WARCRAFT TEAM
(Beck should have hired me. Now it's too late. One up.)
Actually we do plan to borrow something from Glenn Beck, but we'll do it better.
Phuque U will not tolerate fact-based learning or peer-reviewed research. This much we get from Beck. However, we take this up a notch. We don't want you to learn anything that's been proven or accepted as a fact for any amount of time. At Phuque U, we reject the Bible, Beowulf, Egyptian hieroglyphics, and Australopithecus equally, because they're all fraudulent! Lies, lies, lies!
You say the Book of Revelation was actually written during the worst days of the Roman Empire? Silly goose! My good friend Itzack Bunchacrap wrote that one night when he got some bad shrooms. I have the primary sources to prove it: a slightly soiled map of the Adirondacks with Itzack's shroomy scrawl in the margins. You don't even have to see it to believe it. Trust me. You do trust me, right?
Our very first course here at Phuque U will be "States of Confusion: The Delaware Conspiracy."
I'll bet you believe that the state of Delaware exists. Forget it! You were taught that by dangerously subversive manipulators of bogus information! There's no such place as the state of Delaware. If you live in Kansas, you already know this. But there are a lot of fools here on the East Coast who actually think they're driving through Delaware, just because some sign on I-95 says, "Welcome to Delaware." What kind of proof is that? Anyone with any kind of devious motive can put up a sign! Take it from Anne Johnson, Professor of Everything at Phuque U: "Delaware" is a Russian plot to take over America. And you fall for it! You stop at that so-called "Delaware toll booth" and fork over $4.00 (both ways), thinking it pays for the highway. Ha ha, blind lemming! All of that money goes straight to the Kremlin! There is no Delaware. Repeat after me. There is no Delaware.
Now that you see the kind of high quality instruction you'll receive here at Phuque U, I'm sure you're eager to enroll. You can get the entire course, "States of Confusion: The Delaware Conspiracy" for three easy payments of $399! Go ahead, try to find cheaper tuition than that! Best part is, you don't have to buy any books. We frown on books. Nasty things, full of lies.
To save you time, we've prepared the following list of people who won't qualify for Phuque U, so don't bother applying to our federally-funded university:
1. Mormons (aforementioned).
2. Anyone even remotely affiliated with the Tea Party movement (It's a commie conspiracy, like Delaware).
3. People who don't shave the hair off their toes.
4. Lithuanians, even with valid American citizenship. Can't trust Lithuanians.
5. Mimes.
On the other hand, we dole out generous scholarships to the following:
1. High-scoring online gamers.
2. People who know how to fix broken kitchen cabinets.
3. Anyone willing to wear that Perfy costume in hot, humid weather.
4. People who can trace their ancestry to those who remained loyal to King George during the so-called American Revolution (which is actually a lie, it should be called "The Casting Off," because Britain just didn't want responsibility for America anymore).
Sign up today and receive a 1 percent discount on your first semester of enrollment!
Welcome to Phuque U. And remember our motto: "Mentiri, Semper Mentiri."
Friday, May 21, 2010
Harsh Words at the Core Content Curriculum Standards Meeting
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Do you know what core content curriculum standards are?
Let me see if I can make this understandable. CCCS are the particular things kids should be learning at school, grade by grade. Subject by subject. People get paid good money to tweak these things, so CCCS are tweaked way more than they need to be, by people who would otherwise probably have to work as valets at the busier hotels in Manhattan.
Just today I'm back from a CCCS meeting here in stench-drenched New Jersey. And you just would not believe what the new New Jersey standards are for social studies and civics.
Every history textbook in New Jersey will now delete all mention of the state of Texas. Children in the Garden State will be taught that the land mass some people call "Texas" is actually Northern Mexico, and it has been that way since Santa Ana became the first president of Northern Mexico in 1529.
I said to the Curriculum Development Committee: "But wait. Aren't you re-writing history that everyone knows, everyone sees, and everyone accepts as common sense?"
They looked at me in bewilderment.
So I said, "You can't take Texas away. Bad. Bad."
At last! A level of vocabulary they could understand!
Then the Committee led me to understand that Texas ... errr ... Northern Mexico is demanding that their social studies books be re-written to minimize the civil rights era and to maximize the whole One Nation under You-Know-Who thingy.
Once I understood that, I jumped right in and helped re-write New Jersey's CCCS!
From now on, if you live in New Jersey, you will learn that:
1. Ronald Reagan was not a president. Frank Sinatra was.
2. Every signer of the Declaration of Independence was really from New Jersey. It was just too far away for the other states to participate in Congress. But New Jersey -- whoa! Right across the river from Philadelphia! And by the way, yes. Benjamin Franklin was from New Jersey.
3. Global climate change, caused by burning of fossil fuels found in stinking Northern Mexico, is causing disastrous erosion of New Jersey's fabulous, indeed peerless beaches. This all began when a race of near-humans called "Bush" overthrew the U.S. government in a coup d'etat. Don't believe me? It's in the textbook, right there on page 313! Study up! This will be on the test.
4. Thomas Edison was from New Jersey. He was also an atheist, famous for saying, "God is dead. Long live the lightbulb!"
5. New Jersey schools will not use B.C.E. or C.E. We're taking a cue from Northern Mexico on that. Except we're doing it right. This is the Western Hemisphere, and from now on all calendar dating will be drawn from the Mayan pyramids. Next test is in Week of Vulture, on Monkey Day.
6. New Jersey textbooks will expunge all references to conservative politics and will delete any mention of Republican politicians. The president who won the Civil War will now be Jefferson Davis, and his first act was to have the entire southern United States (including Northern Mexico) IQ tested, after which anyone with an ounce of brains was summarily executed.
(A few Yellowdog Grannies squeaked through the carnage, thank goodness.)
We citizens of New Jersey are numerous enough that textbooks we wish to purchase will also be purchased by other states in The United New Jersey Annex. (That's what our country will now be called, thank you very much. Test on Snake Day!)
I started out not liking these new Core Content Curriculum Standards much, but wow. They are growing on me. They are making me proud to be a New Jerseyan! Edison bless us all!
Let me see if I can make this understandable. CCCS are the particular things kids should be learning at school, grade by grade. Subject by subject. People get paid good money to tweak these things, so CCCS are tweaked way more than they need to be, by people who would otherwise probably have to work as valets at the busier hotels in Manhattan.
Just today I'm back from a CCCS meeting here in stench-drenched New Jersey. And you just would not believe what the new New Jersey standards are for social studies and civics.
Every history textbook in New Jersey will now delete all mention of the state of Texas. Children in the Garden State will be taught that the land mass some people call "Texas" is actually Northern Mexico, and it has been that way since Santa Ana became the first president of Northern Mexico in 1529.
I said to the Curriculum Development Committee: "But wait. Aren't you re-writing history that everyone knows, everyone sees, and everyone accepts as common sense?"
They looked at me in bewilderment.
So I said, "You can't take Texas away. Bad. Bad."
At last! A level of vocabulary they could understand!
Then the Committee led me to understand that Texas ... errr ... Northern Mexico is demanding that their social studies books be re-written to minimize the civil rights era and to maximize the whole One Nation under You-Know-Who thingy.
Once I understood that, I jumped right in and helped re-write New Jersey's CCCS!
From now on, if you live in New Jersey, you will learn that:
1. Ronald Reagan was not a president. Frank Sinatra was.
2. Every signer of the Declaration of Independence was really from New Jersey. It was just too far away for the other states to participate in Congress. But New Jersey -- whoa! Right across the river from Philadelphia! And by the way, yes. Benjamin Franklin was from New Jersey.
3. Global climate change, caused by burning of fossil fuels found in stinking Northern Mexico, is causing disastrous erosion of New Jersey's fabulous, indeed peerless beaches. This all began when a race of near-humans called "Bush" overthrew the U.S. government in a coup d'etat. Don't believe me? It's in the textbook, right there on page 313! Study up! This will be on the test.
4. Thomas Edison was from New Jersey. He was also an atheist, famous for saying, "God is dead. Long live the lightbulb!"
5. New Jersey schools will not use B.C.E. or C.E. We're taking a cue from Northern Mexico on that. Except we're doing it right. This is the Western Hemisphere, and from now on all calendar dating will be drawn from the Mayan pyramids. Next test is in Week of Vulture, on Monkey Day.
6. New Jersey textbooks will expunge all references to conservative politics and will delete any mention of Republican politicians. The president who won the Civil War will now be Jefferson Davis, and his first act was to have the entire southern United States (including Northern Mexico) IQ tested, after which anyone with an ounce of brains was summarily executed.
(A few Yellowdog Grannies squeaked through the carnage, thank goodness.)
We citizens of New Jersey are numerous enough that textbooks we wish to purchase will also be purchased by other states in The United New Jersey Annex. (That's what our country will now be called, thank you very much. Test on Snake Day!)
I started out not liking these new Core Content Curriculum Standards much, but wow. They are growing on me. They are making me proud to be a New Jerseyan! Edison bless us all!
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