Thursday, April 23, 2009

Why I Kissed The Spare's Foot

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," patented pathways to parenting and upholstery repair! Let me see that brocade. I'll fix it!

Yesterday evening I kissed The Spare's foot. The Spare is the younger of my two daughters.

Spare and I were shopping at Macy's for a prom dress. Mindful of costs, Spare rejected a few that were beautiful but too expensive. Finally she trundled off to the dressing room, arms loaded with gooey gowns.

The dressing room at Cherry Hill Macy's is pretty large. Spare went into a cubicle, and I sat in the cubicle next door. Across from us was another mother-daughter pair, doing the same chore.

Except that pair seemed to have ascended from the jowls of hell.

It went something like this:

Teenzilla from Hell: Stop looking at me! You're looking at me! You're a lesbo.

Momzilla from Hell: I'm not looking at you. That isn't a good color for you.

Teenzilla: I KNEW it. You are staring at me! Lesbo!

Momzilla: Try on that yellow one.

Teenzilla: No. It will make me look fat!

(assorted rustling sounds)

Teenzilla: See? I told you, Mommmmmm. It makes me look fat! All these dresses make me look fat!

Momzilla: Well, didn't I tell you to lay off the pizza?


At this point The Spare appeared in a lovely little lavender number. She sashayed into my cubicle.

Anne: Oh, that's adorable! You look terrific!

Spare: Yeah. This is awesome. But it's kind of expensive.

Anne: It's not terrible. Maybe it'll be on sale at the register. But anyway, who cares? You just look stunning in it.

Spare: I have a little birthday money left.

Anne: Save it. I'll treat you.

Spare sashays back into dressing room to try on something else. At which point the bickering across the way escalates again.

Teenzilla from Hell: I don't like any of these dresses! They make me look fat!

Momzilla from Hell: Well, pick two, because you have to have one to go to Fay's.

Teenzilla: I hate Fay. I'm not going!

Momzilla: You have to go!

Teenzilla: I don't know which of these dresses I like. I want to buy all four.

Momzilla: I'm only buying two, so choose.

Teenzilla: I said I want all four!

Momzilla: I'm only buying two.

Teenzilla: Well then, we're not getting any, because I want them all, or none of them.

(Readers, I am not exaggerating this conversation. In fact, it loses in translation because you can't hear Teenzilla's sneering voice, or see Momzilla's anorexic Yuppie figure.)

So Teenzilla and Momzilla disappeared from the dressing room. That's when I asked The Spare to come into my cubicle, right away, no matter what she was wearing. She came in, barefoot. I told her to put her foot on the stool. She knew before I even bent down that I was going to kiss her foot. And I did!

Well, we had a big laugh, Spare and me, over those two beasts. What we didn't know is that the beasts had returned to the dressing room and were overhearing us. As we left with Spare's choice of dress (one dress, little lavender number), the mom-and-daughter-from-hell stared us down with withering glances.

Which only made us laugh the harder. Spare and I have had our differences to be sure, but never in public, and never over buying four expensive dresses! If Spare ever acted like that, I'd leave her stranded in the store. If I ever acted like the mom in this case, Spare wouldn't even go to the mall with me.

Lord love a fruit fly! What a pair of wretches those gals were! Money can't buy me love.


Dancing With Fey said...

It's always so sad to see parents who behave the way that mom did. The daughter's behavior was also horrid, but if perhaps her mother were more reasonable she would have learned better. Of course, if/when she has kids of her own she'll likely treat them the same way, and the cycle will continue...

Pom said...

Normally I spend my time in dressing rooms trying NOT to end in hot flashes.

There are times when you encounter those type of people and no matter what kind of week you've had with your own child, they suddenly seem SO much better. I've never kissed Mini Me's foot but I always give her a big hug and thank her.

Maebius said...

What an awesome story. I remember seeing similar types when out shopping during prom-time and always rolled my eyes "Girls" I thought.
Now of course I'm older and know it's not -all- of you wimmins who think that way. Thank goddess. :)

Terraluna said...

Having grown children who are likeable is the just reward for a job well done. Go ahead, feel smug - you deserve it.

Anonymous said...

Not only would Teenzilla have left that shop without a dress but she would have been grounded to her room for a month. No visitors, no phone, no tv, and no computer. Just time to think about her behavior.

yellowdoggranny said...

mojo and i never ever talked to each other like that..but we did have some knock down dragouts shopping...she thought if i said something was cute, it meant she should have was an opinion...not a choice..i'd see something and go, 'oh, how cute'..
'mom i wouldn't wear that dress if if was free.' i dont want you to get it i just said it's cute.and the fight was on...finally i would just give the daughter in laws money and have them take her shopping..and never forget the first time when she was in her 20's and we both liked the same pair of shoes..we looked at each other and both starting singing the theme to the twilight zone..haha

dawtch said...

The best "dressing room overhear" I experienced went something like this...
Boy Child (about 10ish):"YOU shook me allll niiiiiight long, yeah YOU, shook me alllllll niiiiight long..."
Woman in dressing room: Did I just hear AC/DC..?
Girl Child (about 13ish):He's singing again...
Woman: AC/DC..?
Girl Child: Yeah
Boy Child: *still singing away*
Woman: Wow, you guys are spending too much time with your Grandma...

I almost lost it! Because of course the visual this invoked involved a Sophiaeaque (from Golden Girls - you know "Ma" to Bea Arthur) grandmother teaching her grandson how to headbang....
I'll leave you with that :D
ps: the word verification is scarily close to "shamwow" today...shmewo

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