Sunday, February 15, 2009

House Plants Hate Me

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where nary a green thumb is to be found! For someone who loves the plant world so much, I have a terrible time when it comes to growing anything containing a cell wall.

Just before Christmas, a posh box arrived from my sister-in-law. She's in the chips and always sends a thoughtful gift. This year it was an amaryllis bulb, with potting soil, directions, and a cute little basket to grow it in.

I followed the directions, except I was confused about the sunlight. What is "diffused sunlight," anyway? So I looked up pictures of amaryllis on the Web, and they were almost all sitting in windowsills (or growing outside). So I sat mine next to my bed, watered it a bit, and waited for the pretty flower.

To my astonishment, the thing actually did start to grow, which in and of itself was a miracle.

Almost eight weeks later, it's still growing. And growing. And growing. The leaves are about 18 inches long, some longer. A stalk has appeared with a bud on it. This stalk is also about 18 inches tall -- and growing. And not opening.

The plant is in a sunny window. I put it by my bed because otherwise it would meet the same fate as every other house plant I've ever brought home -- a slow death from dehydration. At the same time I feel like I'm being sized up for the kill by a Plantzilla. The long, sharp leaves are reaching out toward me. The stubborn stem is shut tight as an angry clam.

I just looked again at Google images, and there's a sadist out there who watered his amaryllis with nothing but vodka. And the thing bloomed.

Why do house plants hate me? If it wasn't for silk arrangements, there would be no flowers in my life at all.


Pom said...

For safety's sake maybe you should move it away from your bed. It almost sounds like a man-eating species! :o)

At least it's growing... My cat doesn't permit plants in my house. She digs up every one of them at the roots. So I have resigned myself to a house-plantless existence for the life of the cat anyway.

Lisa said...

not my area of expertise im afraid- firm believer in plants outside, furniture inside

Lisa x

Servitor Lucem said...

Those particular plants get really big. Just keep on doing what you're doing. They also bloom in their time, not ours. it should be fine.

yellowdog granny said...

maybe it's all the hot sex in the bedroom that's giving it the looooong leaves and loooooong stem...

Dawtch said...

If it's any consolation, I too, have a black thumb. I killed mint. Really...Some witch I turned out to

Anonymous said...

You could always try smoking it.

YDG-You ain't changed a bit!

JaAnBe said...

Patience. The plants don't perform at our bidding. As long as it's still alive - it's still alive! My personal plant philosophy is benign neglect (ok, so some of them don't survive - but most do). You've got a bud - that's GRRRRRREAT!

Davo said...

Ah, strangely enough, plants are a bit like people. Give it the same love, attention, and conditions as you do your husband and daughters - see what happens .. heh. Failing that, am sure there is a goddess of greenery to call on, somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Be patient. It's almost there. As long as it's all standing tall and looking as phallic as any plant could possibly look, you're doing ok.

Anne Johnson said...

Ah yes, phallic is exactly how it's looking. Which, as Granny notes, is not a bad thing to have in a bedroom.

sageweb said...