Saturday, July 26, 2008

The New Toy in the Car

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," patiently waiting for the tomatoes to ripen! Any day now ... I guess.

Mr. Johnson travels frequently, and he's man enough to admit that he gets lost from time to time. So he went out and bought one of those GPS thingies you put in the car. It tells you how to get from Point A to Point B. And it's so polite!

Mr. Johnson programmed in a direction-giving voice that is female and British. I immediately called her "Celeste" and got jealous of the sexy way she said, "Bear right, then ... take the motorway."

So, I've been re-programming the GPS to make it more interesting. Here's what I've come up with so far:

GPS, drunk: "Get oudda da car, let summun else do it."

GPS, stoned: "Hey, man, like, I guess you could go right if you wanted to, but y'know, any way you wanna go is okay with me, man. So long as we end up at an ice cream store, okay, man? Whoa, is this a car, man?"

GPS on meth: "Go right. I said RIGHT! Right, you idiot! Gaaaa! Want anything done, you gotta do it yourself! Here! Give me the wheel! I'll drive the damn car, and I'll GO RIGHT!!!"

GPS, passive-aggressive: "I know which way to go, but I'm not telling you. I am so sure you'll be able to figure it out... (mumbling) yeah, forget it."

GPS, Mormon: "Keep both of your hands on the wheel."

GPS, Fundamentalist: "At the crossroads, turn right. You must turn right. If you turn left, you will be Left Behind and go to hell. Thus sayeth The Lord."

GPS, Druid: "Turn towards the way of the Salmon of Wisdom, who dwells within the waters of the sacred pool from which all rivers flow. That would be West. May there be peace in the West."

GPS, Hillbilly: "What you wanna do is look for the big chestnut tree, it's about three, maybe four, maybe five miles up along the creek. When you see the tree, there's a road maybe a hundred yards, maybe a half mile, on your left. Take that road. Now, I think someone said something about having that tree cut down, and if they've done it, you're just outta luck."

GPS, having a bad day: "Do me a favor, okay? Turn off the damn car, go back inside, and have another cup of coffee. Because I don't feel like dealing with you. Say what? You've got a 10:00 appointment in Southwest Philly? Like I care. Take mass transit."

GPS, programmed by Anne: "After 1500 yards, turn right. Oh, wait! There's a vulture over there! Turn left! Follow that buzzard! Hold on. Hold on. He's swinging around..... Okay, go straight. No, he's listing to the right! Hang a sharp right! Watch out for that treeeeeeeeee!!!!!

I think we might have been better off in the days of those maps that you could never fold up right once you unfolded them.



Hecate said...

With no right brain skills at all, I LOVE my GPS. I call her Stella

BBC said...

I have a GPS unit, but I haven't turned it on for about a year. I've wandered all over 49 states and a good share of Canada without one, thank you very much.

If I had of used one when going to Cher's last week it wouldn't have helped much. On line maps have a long way to go, what with all the changes in roads and such.

She sent me directions on how to get to their place and that worked much better than the online map that was way off because of recent road construction.

A GPS would have just messed me up. George and I tried using one last October to get to the fairgrounds in Port Townsend, after wandering around for a half hour we found it by looking at maps and following signs.

I learned in my trucking days to just call the folks you are taking the load to and get directions from them. They know what is going on in the local area. Hello???

BBC said...

Hecate, you would be lucky to find my place with your GPS and I'm only two blocks off the main highway. Learn to read a frigging map or email me for directions.

BBC said...

As far as I know those GPS units never tell you that there is new road construction going on in the areas it is and that it's information may be wrong.

Hell, I've driven across the states and never needed to look at a map until I got close to where I was going, then I just bought a current local map or called for directions.

Calling is best though.

Anonymous said...

RE: hillbilly directions. You forgot giving directions by where stuff used to be (one of my mother's clients asked me for directions to her house, and I had to google to keep from from saying, "Ok, go down there to where the IGA used to be, and then go till you reach the corner where CATS records was....")

I'm pretty sure it's a Southern thing. At least, I hope it's not just me.

THE Michael said...

You are so funny! I especially like the stoner GPS.

"Hey dude, like, nice wheels, man! Where we goin?"

Anne Johnson said...

Dear Billy, my friend Hecate lives in the metropolitan Washington, DC area. I don't care how many states you've been in or how many times you've navigated the busy streets of Rome. You wouldn't stand a chance in metro DC, no one does, the city was laid out in colonial times and is so easy to get lost in that they could pay people just to stand on corners to give out directions. If the new GPS ever comes in handy, it will most certainly be to find a destination within 60 miles of DC, or in the city itself.

I defy anyone to look at a map while navigating the dreaded Capital Beltway. It's the kind of road where you pray for a traffic jam just so you can go slowly and not miss your 15 exits you have to take to get to K Street.

Harmony, the deed to my farm in the mountains is like that. It runs from "the big chestnut tree" to "the split rail fence." Neither of which have survived into the present. I can't even imagine how we'll ever get it surveyed. The deed also says "75 acres, more or less." !!!!

BBC said...

As a matter of fact I have been in Metro DC. Called ahead for directions and never had any problems. But I would have been in deep crap if I had went there without doing that.

Got in deep crap in New York once before I learned to just call ahead. It's not a lot of fun being in deep crap in a 65 foot eighteen wheeler.

I don't mind being a little lost in a car, it's no big deal if you do some extra exploring, but in a truck it sucks.

BBC said...

That truck that may be in your way may be lost, give it a wide berth, don't mess with 40 tons of mass, you will lose. It doesn't want to hurt you, it just has a job to do and the driver may be frustrated so give him/her a break.

Angela-Eloise said...

My boyfriend is addicted to GPS - he has one in every car and turns it on even when he's going into town, which he could do in his sleep. Maybe it's the pilot in him - the instrument thing and all. The smarmy voice used to annoy me, but now I'm used to it.

But let me tell you, he gave me one to me to use when I had to get to his house in rural Connecticut from a meeting in Providence. It was one of those you-can't-get-here-from-there situations and I was SO glad to have had that smarmy GPS.

Anne Johnson said...

I have nothing but respect for truck drivers. First, I've never met a nasty one. Second, I can't imagine doing the job. You never hear how many truck drivers get killed in a year, but I'll bet it's more than coal miners.

wordwitch said...

My brother has a GPS and recently visited me here in DC...and when they went to leave, he showed me the directions it was giving him and I just about laughed my tushy off!! It had him driving 6 blocks west, up about 10 blocks and then back east to the original north/south street!! All because it was "faster"....yeesh. I showed him where to go via a nice map book and they had no trouble getting to the Beltway and off.

sageweb said...

Brillaint brother and I have wanted to make a Ghetto GPS for a while now.

He sometimes changes my GPS to spanish and I am already driving before I realize Senorita is not speaking English...oh and I call mine bithin betty.

yellowdog granny said...

goddess give me strength...
oh well..
i laughed my ass off..when i give directions i always tell people 'go forward, don't go straight, no one needs to go straight.'
the other day i was driving to work and saw a hawk, and i pulled over and watched it do air arobics...and thought if this was a buzzard you'd be parked in front of me..
if you parked behind me you would see my 2 new bumper stickers..
im a born again pagan
and my goddess gave bith to your god..and so disapointed that no one has commented on them at all..