My First Press Conference as Surgeon General
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" What a spot of luck! I've been out of work for awhile, and it's been tough. But today, our Fearless Leader appointed me, yes moi, Surgeon General of the United States!
Good morning, Gods and Goddesses, and welcome to my first statement as Surgeon General of the United States. Today I would like to talk about the serious public health problem of rosacea. Rosacea is an inflammation of the skin, manifesting itself in red pimples that resemble acne...
Aphrodite: Excuse me, Madam Surgeon General. Can you please address the far more pressing problem of teenage pregnancy?
Anne: Ah, yes. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. And faithfulness in marriage makes you ... ineligible to be a U.S. Senator ... emmmm.... wait! Sorry! I mean, Sorry. All mention of human reproductive issues has been stricken from my talking points. Back to rosacea...
Chonganda: Rosacea affects a handful of middle aged white people. Can we discuss the 47 million Americans who have no health insurance?
Anne: Sorry again. I'm a Surgeon General, not an insurance executive. I only care that you are sick, not how you're going to get treatment for it. But, if I can digress from my prepared notes for a second, I would like to say that Michael Moore is a big, fat, really really really fat liar. All those statistics he used about America ranking last in all industrial countries in health care for its citizens were provided to him by Al Qaeda.
Gitche-Manitou: On behalf of Big Tobacc.... err .... the Sacred Cultivar That Has Never Ever Been Shown to Hurt People, Really and Truly, I am appalled at that torrent of falsehoods your predecessor released about second-hand smoke. I wish to have it stricken from the permanent record immediately.
Anne: Done! Have I mentioned yet what a wonderful leader George W. Bush is? I'm supposed to do so every 20 seconds.
Gitche-Manitou: And how can people enjoy an expensive meal without their dessert cigars? Return smoking to all public places at once!
Anne: Done, without question! This is the Bush/Cheney era, we don't need to explain ourselves! Back to rosacea. This administration plans an aggressive campaign to combat the scourge of rosacea...
Brighid: And what does this administration plan to do about Parkinson's Disease, Madam Surgeon General? Your own father died of it. Stem cell research...
Anne: Don't even say those words. The S-C-R words are not allowed. You have to get the S and the C from innocent unborn babies, and we don't kill babies here in God's own U.S.A.
Danu: If we don't kill babies, how come the United States has the worst infant mortality rating of any industrialized country?
Anne: What are you, another Michael Moore operative? I'm here to talk about important health issues, not silly statistics. Look at this long list of topics our great leader, George W. Bush, gave me to cover today: rosacea, pellagra, lazy eye, tennis elbow, irregularity, and dust mite allergies. I've got four pages on irregularity alone, each of them duly mentioning George W. Bush twice, as per mandate by the fine, upstanding people who work for him whose names I won't reveal.
Bacchus: I'm glad to hear that obesity-related illnesses aren't on that list.
Anne: Oh, dear God in Heaven, no! Over-eating is good for the economy! It's good for the farmers, it's good for the fast food franchises, it's good for peoples' mental health. Supersize me! Or maybe I should say, supersize Michael Moore! (Tee hee!)
Lord Voldemort: Personally I think we have found a wonderful new Surgeon General, a woman whose philosophy fits perfectly into the New World Order being instituted by the fine and illustrious Dick Cheney ... err ... George W. Bush ... and his excellent helpers.
Anne: Thank you, Mr. Voldemort, Sir. I'll see you tomorrow at Camp David. Now. I've had enough of this fractious question-posing. You gods and goddesses (with the exception of Bacchus and Gitche-Manitou) are disturbing the peace. The officers moving into place will arrest you now, so that I can go on talking about rosacea without being disturbed any more. That's "more" as in "yes, I'll have some more Freedom fries," not "Moore," as in Michael Moore. Where was I? Oh yes. Rosacea is an inflammation of the skin, manifesting itself in red pimples that resemble acne...
Source: Philadelphia Inquirer, July 11, 2007.