Thursday, July 19, 2007

A Duel to the Death with the Kraken

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," deep in the heart of Maryland's Eastern Shore, i.e., One God Country! It's 95 in the shade, so hot that the region's legions of buzzards are sticking close to their radio towers.

Never bring faeries into One God Country.

Mine are pissed to the max. They're so angry they won't come out of the dresser drawer. They have cursed us with weather fit to fry an egg the entire week. But oh, that wasn't enough!

Yesterday, in a fit of heat-induced madness, I threw myself off a dock into the mighty Chesapeake. This was the moment my faeries were waiting for.

Pip pip! They summoned the largest jellyfish ever seen in the bay, a creature so monstrous that when it stung me they could still see its tentacles 10 miles away in Tilghman Island!

You should have seen that thing. It was thisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss long, with extra potent stingers. I actually lifted my arm out of the water and it roared as it gnawed away at the tender flesh.

In the background I could hear the snickers of Puck, Princess, and Aine, my resident faeries who just don't appreciate reading magazines about the evils of masturbation.

You know, it's bad enough that I'm from Appalachia and now have to live in New Jersey. Couldn't I at least take my vacations where the water doesn't run uphill? Because damn, those high tides bring in Krakens that gladly take orders from faeries and leave me swathed in Desityn, that stuff they put on diaper rash!

This Eastern Shore stuff is Mr. Johnson's idea. We're both from Maryland, but that's like saying we're both from America. I grew up a healthy spit from West Virginia, and he spent his happy summers on a doggone houseboat. The minute he sees a vast expanse of shimmering bay, his eyes go all moist and gooey. Then they throw a dozen steamed crabs in front of him, and he swoons with joy.

Moist and gooey. Kind of like a Kraken with the power to decimate even the strongest amongst us. And do you think Johnny Depp was around to help me? Oh no, of course not! Heir and Spare standing on dock saying, "Mommy Dearest, are you okay?"

Don't get this kind of crap in a swimmin hole.



buddydon said...

sorry ye gut stung by that thang, but i am so glad yer back to bloggin. i dint know krakens wuz real on a counta i been readin this book by dan simmons name of illium whar thays a kraken that is mos definitly not part of this here earth.

Cat Chapin-Bishop said...

The solution is simple. Give your faeries an offering of some of that excellent Maryland steamed crab, together with some really nice, really hoppy beer, and they will be able to see the God-botherin' literature for the comic relief for what it is, come out of the drawer giggling, and mend your weather and your spirits.

Ain't _nuthin'_ that a little steamed crab can't fix--and I say this as a good Yankee woman, from the land of the bean and the cod!

MountainLaurel said...

Maybe this wasn't the day to ask you about fairy advice.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hecate said...

Oh, I hope you feel better very soon! And do eat some crabs and drink some beer. They're good for what ails you and, as my mother used to say, if nothing ails you, they're good for that, too.

Laura Stamps said...

I'm thrilled to find the blog of not only another faery-lover and Pagan from Appalchia (I'm from North GA, just under Chattanooga)), but also someone who longs for the land to go up instead of flat. I live in Columbia, SC, where a heat index of 115 is not unheard of, and the heat tries to shrink your face when you get in the car.

Let me ask you this. Those times when I do get back to the Appalachians, a funny thing happens. The minute I see the land begin to rise I gasp. It's almost as if the entire time away I have been holding my breath. Does that happen to you whenever you get a chance to go back? I am of the firm belief the mountains get in your blood if you grow up there, and they have a magickal hold on us that never lets go. Thank the Goddess for that!

Livia said...

Ouch! Hope your okay. I'm dumb and have never even seen a large body of water so I gotta ask: Was the jellyfish really 10 miles long?

BBC said...

One God Country!

Okay, so why is this called the "Gods are bored" blog.

Just asking.

Anne Johnson said...


Yes indeed, I gasp every time I go home. Every time. The biggest gasp ever drawn out of me, however, was when I drove from Winston-Salem, NC to Appalachian State University. When those mountains rise from the plain, they make you stagger. The mountains in the Eastern Panhandle of WV/ Western Maryland are much shorter in stature. But they're big in my heart.

Billy: One God Country? If I tell you Dick Cheney lives there, will you understand then?

Livia (great name!): Fish story of course. It was a normal sized jellyfish, tentacles about 18 inches long. The effect is about like being stung by 20 yellow jacket hornets all at once.

Laura Stamps said...


Boone, NC, wow! Nothing like it! I love that place. In fact I adore the entire Blue Ridge Parkway winding up from Asheville, NC, through the eastern half of NC. Just awesome!