Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," deep in the heart of Maryland's Eastern Shore, i.e., One God Country! It's 95 in the shade, so hot that the region's legions of buzzards are sticking close to their radio towers.
Never bring faeries into One God Country.
Mine are pissed to the max. They're so angry they won't come out of the dresser drawer. They have cursed us with weather fit to fry an egg the entire week. But oh, that wasn't enough!
Yesterday, in a fit of heat-induced madness, I threw myself off a dock into the mighty Chesapeake. This was the moment my faeries were waiting for.
Pip pip! They summoned the largest jellyfish ever seen in the bay, a creature so monstrous that when it stung me they could still see its tentacles 10 miles away in Tilghman Island!
You should have seen that thing. It was thisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss long, with extra potent stingers. I actually lifted my arm out of the water and it roared as it gnawed away at the tender flesh.
In the background I could hear the snickers of Puck, Princess, and Aine, my resident faeries who just don't appreciate reading magazines about the evils of masturbation.
You know, it's bad enough that I'm from Appalachia and now have to live in New Jersey. Couldn't I at least take my vacations where the water doesn't run uphill? Because damn, those high tides bring in Krakens that gladly take orders from faeries and leave me swathed in Desityn, that stuff they put on diaper rash!
This Eastern Shore stuff is Mr. Johnson's idea. We're both from Maryland, but that's like saying we're both from America. I grew up a healthy spit from West Virginia, and he spent his happy summers on a doggone houseboat. The minute he sees a vast expanse of shimmering bay, his eyes go all moist and gooey. Then they throw a dozen steamed crabs in front of him, and he swoons with joy.
Moist and gooey. Kind of like a Kraken with the power to decimate even the strongest amongst us. And do you think Johnny Depp was around to help me? Oh no, of course not! Heir and Spare standing on dock saying, "Mommy Dearest, are you okay?"
Don't get this kind of crap in a swimmin hole.
HOMESICK IN ONE GOD COUNTRY