Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Intelligent Designer's New World Order

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," all you nonindigenous biological replants! Here's a steaming-hot plate of zebra mussels for you! What, you don't like them? They're small and tough? Get used to it. They're here to stay!

You can't blame the snake in the Garden of Eden for this one. Our Intelligent Designer knew that we were going to take a dive. It was all part of the plan, right? Because we had to spread out from that Garden and take our One God religion with us all over the world!

Off we go to make the whole planet one great, united rock! We grab up the seeds and stuff that have fed us wherever we began, pack them into the handy rucksack, and tote them with us. No cannabis or sugar in the Western Hemisphere? Hey, we'll transplant it! No pumpkins or cocaine in the Eastern Hemisphere? Hang on a second, we'll get you some! What's this animal? Why, a horse, of course! How now, a cow! And oh, say. Could we take a few of those pretty parrots over the sea for the queen and her chums? She can send us a few house sparrows in return. And you know what we really need in Australia? Bunnies!

Mercy mercy me. Things ain't what they used to be, no.

This charming creature is a Chinese mitten crab. From China. Duh. Scientists and commercial crabbers are now pulling these things out of the Chesapeake Bay, where they're competing with the indigenous blue crabs. Ah, no worries, though! There are now blue crabs in the Red Sea! Are you confused yet? Don't be! It's our Intelligently Designed Global Ecology!

Sadly, there's no going back to living off the land the way we find it to be, wherever we are. Can't shove those zebra mussels back into the ship ballast from whence they came. Can't box up the Aussie bunnies and FedEx 'em to Ukraine.

You know what we could do, though? We could thumb our noses at that Intelligent Designer and go find the gods and goddesses who really belong in our backyards. Just like the native wildlife, they've been shoved out to make way for a nonindigenous deity.

No matter what religion you profess, give some thought to clearing a little area in your living space, outside or inside. Research the ancient history of your surroundings. Invite into your life the deities who once guarded your little piece of ground. Make them a yearly offering of their native foodstuffs. They will appreciate it.

Think of it as a thousand points of light rising in rebellion against the Great Bad One-ness infecting our world.

Hail Manito!


wordwitch said...

Hi Anne,

Are the mitten crabs at least edible? If not, then wow - what a calamity!!

Blessed Be,

Anne Johnson said...


Manerva said...

Here Here! Love your blog and your truth.

Laura Stamps said...

Hmmm. I'm a Green Witch/Faery Witch involved in feral cat rescue, among other things. So Bast is my Patron Goddess, which I consider to be a local Goddess since my feral cat colony lives in the forest behind my house (as do the faeries...there is an AWESOME faery mound back there too). I have two altars to Bast. One in my office.

And a tiny one in that dug-out cup thing behind the gear shift in my car. Instead of filling it with stuff like most people do, I made it into a tiny altar, so it travels with me whenever I drive somewhere. In it I have a small brass statue of Bast and several white quartz rock chips from my garden that I have drawn Rune sigils on. I just love it...a piece of the Goddess I can bring with me every day!

Kay said...

I don't know who my local gods and goddesses are. I live in Utah. Ah crap, does that mean I have to set up a shrine to Joseph Smith or Brigham Young?

Guess I better do some research. :)