Thursday, April 27, 2006
Mr. Applegate's Hitler Update
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!"
I'm not bored, I'm swamped. Doggone assistant managers can't be trusted to do anything right. Every day I've got to review and review and review to make sure they're torturing with all due dispatch. Gets so tedious. There's nothing more unreliable than an apprentice demon.
Let's get the naming thing done with so we can proceed. You may know me as Azrael, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, the Devil, Stretchtoe, and/or Mephistopheles.
That last one is a mouthful. Faust should have been more succinct.
I prefer for you to call me "Mr. Applegate." Sounds like the dear old fellow down the street who sits on the porch reading his newspaper in the evenings, surrounded by his well-tended rose garden.
For the record, roses won't grow in my satellite office. Wrong climate zone.
Awhile back, Anne said that if she could be God for a day, she wouldn't sentence Adolf Hitler to eternity in the Strand bookstore (on Broadway in Manhattan, 18 miles of used books).
I visit the Strand from time to time to get cookbooks. Anything I can find on barbecue. (Get it???)
I'm not allowed to mete out sentences in my satellite office. My customers arrive with their sentences in hand, manila folders, very efficient, all doled out by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
An absurdly large number of people come here with no other shortcoming than worshipping someone other than my boss. But hey. My contract expires in 3994 years, a mere blip in time, god-wise. So I'm not about to ruffle any angel feathers.
However, occasionally a true scoundrel shows up at one of my assistants' cubicles. Someone who deserves to be skewered on an eternal rotisserie. Hitler, of course, is one of those people. And that's the sentence he got: eternal rotisserie. Just like the nice Buddhist lady who threw her grandchild to safety during the tsunami.
The other day I devised some proper punishments for the Fuhrer, which I now list, in no particular order.
1. Oyster in the Chesapeake Bay, sentenced to filtering water laden with sewage overflows, fertilizer, heavy metals, industrial chemicals, bacterial blooms, and gasoline.
2. Glacier in the Alps, sentenced to melt quickly in the earthly hothouse. Drip, drip, drip.
3. Gay male hired as janitor at Westboro Baptist Church.
4. Muslim woman caught on the street without her burka in Iran.
5. "Green Acres" and "Petticoat Junction" re-runs, with commercials. Eternal Charlie the Tuna and Trix Are for Kids.
6. Readily recognizable Enron executive, walking naked through the square of Akron, Ohio.
7. Front row, balcony, "The Producers," original Broadway cast. Two showings only, just to make sure he gets all the jokes.
8. High school teacher stuck with "No Child Left Behind" mandate to teach "Paradise Lost" to ESL class.
9. Geezy peezy, I know its a stereotype, but you can't improve on the Lincoln Tunnel at rush hour. In a convertible, top stuck in down position.
10. This one's stale too, but I'd make him immortal, on planet earth.
SEE YOU SOON