Friday, August 26, 2005


Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we don't let a sick computer keep us off the air! This is America, by golly, and computers are available in libraries! So what if you only get 30 minutes. We type fast!

Some of my many faithful readers must be wondering how I came up with the idea of allowing the bored gods to air their beefs (or is it beeves?).

This is how "The Gods Are Bored" began:

One night I couldn't sleep. I turned on C-Span hoping to catch a good Robert Byrd speech. Instead I got this lecture from some guy out in California. He was speaking at a very VERY liberal synagogue.

His topic was that God doesn't exist, and pretending He does only causes trouble in this world.

The guy used this example. He said: "Imagine picking up a dollar bill and seeing the phrase 'In Zeus We Trust' on it. Or imagine a t-shirt that said, 'What Would Hermes Do?' See how silly that sounds? People don't worship Zeus anymore. And some day they won't worship God either."

It was a compelling argument.

Except for one thing.

Why don't we worship Zeus anymore? Suppose Zeus exists, and his corporation has been the vicitm of a hostile takeover? Suppose he went from being the awesome god to which the magnificent Acropolis is dedicated, to being in early retirement, playing shuffleboard with Gilgamesh and Baal?

It's just hard for me to believe that no deities exist at all. You'd feel the same way if you had fairies hiding your glasses all the time.

Since this is a religious site, we don't need any hard science to prove that God exists. It's a given.

However, if God exists - meaning the God of the Bible, who also appears as the Allah in the Koran - then all gods exist.

It doesn't say anything in Judeo-Christian-Islamic writings about God killing off the other gods. It just says you should pick him to worship, because he's the one and only.

Okay, the Bible's god works for a whole lot of people. Fine and dandy. But some of us just can't buy the "one god" thingy, especially since that particular god is:

1. A man.
2. Somehow split into three parts, but still a whole.
3. A jealous, mass-murderer who fathered a son out of wedlock, allowed the son to be treated roughly, and who is still witholding pertinent information from said son.
4. A god who contradicts himself in his writings to the extent that anyone can justify almost any atrocity by quoting from his scriptures - especially but not exclusively the plunder of the earth and the murder of other human beings.

So Anne the goat judge created this site to give the bored gods a chance to rock on.

Just now I've been pretty harsh toward Yahweh, but truth be told some of the bored gods are worse even than him. Zeus doesn't exactly fare well in the harsh light of bold examination. But it just doesn't seem fair that every culture's gods and goddesses just went POOF!

Who knows? Perhaps in his boredom Zeus has done some soul-searching and decided maybe he shouldn't have taken the form of a swan and raped a pretty girl. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

I try not to play favorites in the god market. That's like living on a diet that consists of nothing but vanilla ice cream. So many gods and goddesses have so much to offer that it's like a flea market with fifty aisles!

Come walk with me and chat with the bored gods. September is "Save the Arctic Month."

We'll also browse through other favorite subjects, like The Madness of Rick Santorum, How George Bush Chooses Worthy Gold Star Moms, Rush Limbaugh and His Little Problem, The Norma Rae Revival, and of course ... fairies, fairies, fairies!

All posts are original to this humble goat judge who had the good sense to take secretarial courses in high school.

Could you type all this in 30 minutes?




Anonymous said...

Curiously enough, there _is_ a t-shirt available on the Internet which reads: What would Hermes do?

Ted Garvin said...

I think it's probably trivially easy to prove that if _one_ god (i.e. Numero Uno, et al) exists, they all do.

But I've gotten more mileage out of Hermes than I ever did out of Jesus and his crew.