Friday, August 12, 2005

Applegate Clears up Another Biblical Conundrum

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If you've just stumbled into this blog, check to make sure your shoes are tied properly. We don't want anyone getting hurt!

My name is ... well, it's complicated. If you had to end every document with a moniker like Mephistopheles, you'd be in search of simplicity too. So just call me "Mr. Applegate." Sounds so all-American, like a slice of shoo-fly pie.

In previous posts, I've been trying to explain to you clueless Darwinian evolutionists that you're all wrong. This wonderful world you live in (and I live under) was created by Intelligent Design!

Heck, have you ever tried to put together a piece of furniture from Ikea? Imagine putting together an entire universe! Tab "A" simply has to fit into Slot "B." Otherwise you might get a little glitch, like bubonic plague.

Okay, so you Christians out there are puzzled. There are so many dinosaur fossils! What's the deal with them? God created dinosaurs, right? Then how come we don't have dinosaurs running around today, eating your favorite pet puppy?

It was a simple matter of logistics, my friends.

God (my boss) told Noah to build an Ark and take two of each animal on board to ride out a gigantic flood.

And Noah respectfully, with much genuflection and goat sacrifice, answered back: "Um, Great One, no boat will float with a pair of Tyrannosaurus Rexes, Stegodons, Brachiosaurs, and Hadrosaurs in the hold. And we're just getting started. My son Ham has catalogued more than 2,000 species of dinosaur alone."

No answer from Above.

So Noah thought about it some more. He did another major sacrifice of goats and said, "Well, maybe I could fit the dinos if I left off the insects. But that shouldn't be my decision. I leave it up to you, Great One."

In a thunderous basso profundo, the answer came back: "TAKE THE INSECTS!"

Well! Thank heaven for that! How would the crops be pollinated without bees? And the stunningly beautiful butterflies! Oh, how we would miss them!

Noah didn't question the Wisdom from Above, even though he wondered how he could keep the termites from gnawing a hole in the Ark.

So Noah took all the insects. The malaria mosquitoes. The leeches. The distant ancestor of the hornet that stung you yesterday. Lyme ticks. Ringworms and tapeworms. (These had to be taken internally, if you know what I mean.) Army ants. Well, an army of two at any rate.

Weevils, locusts, Japanese beetles, gypsy moths, wood boring beetles, tse tse flies, dog fleas. There was room on the Ark for all these Intelligently Designed creations.

Alas for poor T. Rex, he was just too big. And so was Mrs. Rex.

On came the flood, drowning all the dinosaurs and leaving them in cunningly crafted rock deposits that appear to be millions and millions and millions of years old, when really they're only about 4,270 years old. Now that's Intelligent Design at its zenith. Because Yahweh wants all you Darwinians to trip up over this stuff, so you wind up with moi.

Gosh, if I keep helping out like this, you won't have to send your kids to science class at all. And think of all the quality time you'll have to spend together if Junior doesn't have to take biology!

Yours in the trenches,


PS - Anne left a post today too. I snuck in while she was in the shower.

1 comment:

Ted Garvin said...

Actually, the Universe wasn't created by Yahweh and crew, but by the Great Spaghetti Monster. Google for it. You'll be entertained, I promise.