Friday, August 05, 2005

Dukes of Hazardous

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" You might not love our gods, but we love yours!

I thought this was a good day to re-acquaint my legion of readers with the good old picture of home, drawn by my uncle Foggy. Foggy Johnson is his real name. That's him on the right. He's an independent contractor specializing in micro-brewery.

I loaded up this picture again in honor of the theatrical opening of "The Dukes of Hazzard," another shameless Hollywood attempt to wring humor from hillbillies. Sorry, Hollywood, you'll never get it right. Hillbilly humor is entirely insider's jokes. And they are funny. But you got to be a hillbilly to get them. The rest of the people out there are clueless.

Hillbilly humor is based in the moment. It's usually a one-liner in observation of someone doing something. Like, a hillbilly will see a tourist bellying up to a bear for a photo opportunity, and the hillbilly will turn to his companions and say, "There's someone with a first-rate health plan."

Hillbilly humor often turns put-downs on their heads. Uncle Foggy got his name because someone was teasing him. The person said Uncle Foggy was so tall it must always be foggy around his head. Instead of being insulted, Uncle Foggy just adopted the name. I am truly serious when I say you can mail him a letter that says "Foggy Johnson" and his zip code, and he'll get it.

You know what the funniest insider joke is in Appalachia? That we're smarter than the rest of y'all. Look at where we live. And look at where you live. I rest my case.

As for "The Dukes of Hazardous," well, the t.v. show stank, and it wrecked a whole lot of good, useful cars. I'll bet the movie does the same. Jessica Simpson a hillbilly? Get real. You take one look at that girl, you see a mama and two grandmas can't cook worth a damn.

And speaking of cooking, I've got a bushel of home-grown tomatoes downstairs that need to be canned. Like certain movies.

Drop by and set awhile.
Listen to the whipporwill.
Feel that sunset breeze.
Yep, I would like another piece of blueberry pie. Thank you.
"Dukes of Hazzard?" Haven't seen it.


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