Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" This week we're on the road, judging goats at county fairs through the heartland of America.
One of the best things about being a goat judge is that you get to try all the delicious jams and pies and pickled pigs' feet that are put up for judging in the home economics categories. And we here at "The Gods Are Bored" salute all the hard-working women (and men) who perfect these delicious blue-ribbon recipes!
But wait. Shouldn't these women who are spending all their time in the kitchen, perfecting pickled pigs' feet for the fair contests actually be devoting all their time to their children? What can possibly be more riveting than spending all your time, every last precious second, with your offspring? Thinking about making that phone call to Cousin Mabel to see how she did in her cervical cancer surgery? Forget it! Baby Biff needs for you to squeeze that rattle in his face 35 more times! If you don't, he'll grow up warped, like all the kids of those morally bankrupt liberal working women!
Usually, we here at "The Gods Are Bored" do not review books that we haven't read or base our comments on random quotes. But if the entirety of Senator Rick Santorum's new book is as monstrously idiotic as the quotes that ran in today's JOHNSTOWN COURIER POST, we are not gonna place that sucka high on the summer reading list.
Those of you just joining us need to know that we call people who cater to the Christian Right "Chippies," because they are Christians who make as much noise, and every bit as much sense, as the Flower Children of the 1960s. Rick Santorum is a Chippie par excellence.
According to the junior senator from Pennsylvania, women who work outside the home are godless liberals who put their self-indulgence way ahead of the needs of their tender tots. Said tots grow up unloved and unwanted in day care centers, sort of latter-day Oliver Twists, while Mommy flies to Aruba to take meetings and drink daiquiries.
Rick, you couldn't find your butt with two hands.
First of all, it was that champion bleeding heart liberal, Mother Jones, who convinced the nation that children shouldn't be working 14 hours a day, six days a week, in dangerous factories. (Now we've sent those jobs to the children of Sri Lanka.) And it is the "feed the rich" policies of corporate conservatives that have forced so many women into the labor force where they work, underpaid and under-insured, in non-union jobs.
Second point. And I hope the other working moms out there will back me up on this. Who out there is working because they'd rather work than be with their kids? Hot damn, I LOVE goat judging, but I don't do it because it's more fulfilling than motherhood. I need the bloody income to keep a roof over my kids' heads! I've got two beautiful daughters, the Heir and the Spare. They eat. They get sick and need a doctor. They get sicker and need a specialist. Pass the goats, please, and make the paycheck out to Anne Johnson.
Third point. And I hope the dwindling middle class will back me up on this. Is it even possible today to maintain a middle class lifestyle without two incomes? Anyplace besides rural Pennsylvania, I mean? Well, I guess it is if Daddy belongs to the corporate elite and rakes in the big bucks as Eastern District Supervisor for Wal-Mart.
And what about poor mothers? Aren't they the ones being chased into the workplace so they won't drain our tax dollars dry on welfare? What happens to those kids, Rick? Okay, I'll tell you. They're the REAL Oliver Twists among us. How do you propose to make their lives better?
Fourth point. I need no backup on this one. As a woman, I feel it is very important to set an example of self-sufficiency for my two daughters, the Heir and the Spare. They must see how important it is to be able to pay your bills, to work side by side with a spouse, or even to support yourself on what you earn. The alternative is to play "Vanity Fair" with them and try to find them well-heeled husbands who will see to their needs so they can stay home and raise little Biff Buffington IV, Esq.
On to another Rick Rant. People shouldn't live together before they are married.
Excuse me, Rick, is it any of your business what other couples decide to do with their lives? When did CONSERVATIVES become so all-fired curious about what people do behind closed doors? It makes no difference to me what YOU choose to do about your marital status. Why do you care about me? Not that it matters, but I lived with my husband before we got married, and we'll soon be celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary. We've beaten the "divorce curve" three times! But, last time I looked, this is America, where people should be free to live as they please, so long as no one gets hurt and the furniture doesn't get stained.
On to my favorite Rick Rant. "Partisan politics" made his home-schooled children's lives a nightmare.
Geez, if I lived in Pennsylvania, I'd be going door-to-door begging people not to vote for this guy.
Rick, who lives in Virginia with his stay-at-home wife and home-schooled children, was charging the citizens of Pennsylvania for the elite cyberschooling his children were receiving. Sort of a "Rick Deserves The Best" Super-Voucher. Can't say as I blame the "partisan" citizens of Pennsylvania for complaining about that. After all, their kids have to go to the godless, liberal public schools, which Ricky describes as total failures.
Who forgot to muzzle this mutt?
Hey, Pennsylvania, you can do better. There must be a village idiot somewhere in the state who could be convinced to oppose this clueless Chippie.
ANNE WISHES THE UNIONS WERE AS BIG AS RICK SAYS THEY ARE
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