Thursday, July 21, 2005

Applegate's Performance Evaluation


Evaluation Conductor: Archangel Gabriel
Job Title: Head Angel, Kingdom of Heaven

Subject of Evaluation: Archangel Azrael
Job Title: Head Angel, Hell

1. Does the subject show a willingness to obey orders, even when they do not reconcile with his/her personal convictions?

I am frankly suspicious of Azrael's allegiances, although he seems sufficiently humble and is certainly attending to his duties. While I see no indication that orders are being disobeyed, I rather think they are being obeyed grudgingly, minimally, and with little enthusiasm or team spirit.

2. Does the subject present a proper personal appearance?

Again, there was something just slightly lacking in Azrael's wardrobe. He appeared to be hastily adorned, and when asked to demonstrate how his wings worked, he seemed awkward with them. Please note that his appearance is entirely altered from his last P.A., during which he wore a costume that looked like it had been used in a Wagner opera. His appearance during this evaluation was an improvement over the last visit, but distinctly non-traditional and - should I say it - veering toward the counter-cultural.

3. Evaluate the subject's treatment of the worst offenders sent to him/her.


4. Evaluate the subject's treatment of good Christians who happened to worship with the wrong sect.

Sufficient. Evaluator notes a great deal of bitterness in this segment of Hell's population. Azrael deems this bitterness a part of the punishment and tends to deal less harshly with the various elements of this population. Suggest further monitoring of punishment levels with an eye toward greater torture. Azrael agrees to any amendments so long as they come through official channels.

5. Evaluate the subject's treatment of non-Christians and those who died prior to the arrival of Jesus Christ on earth.

Insufficient. Azrael is not nearly harsh enough on these populations. Placing Buddhists in huge traffic jams from which they cannot escape is not, in this evaluator's opinion, torture at all. The giant insects that are supposed to be used on some of these populations are instead sleeping in nests that look as if they haven't been disturbed since the last evaluation. Strongly recommend more close monitoring of torture of non-Christian populations in Hell.

6. Is the subject fully cognizant of the corporate strategies, long term planning issues, and market goals, as they pertain to his/her division?

Questioned at length on this subject, Azrael seemed to be completely versed in the corporate philosophies. However, his comfort level vis a vis heaquarters' policies is questionable at best, and verging on mutiny at worst. Recommend further questioning at the home office, possibly including indoctrination seminars. A random sampling of individuals under Azrael's control reveals a thinly veiled affection rather than the requisite contempt, fear and loathing.

7. If it were up to you, would you give this subject a raise in salary and benefits?

At this time, I feel more questioning is needed to discern Azrael's level of devotion to the team.

8. Are the personnel under the subject's supervision performing their tasks suitably?

It appears that Azrael has no underlings and runs Hell all by himself. This too raises suspicions for me, as the division is so large, and growing larger every day - impossible for anyone, even an archangel, to manage without a flow chart. Recommend further examination of policies and procedures.

9. Any further comments or observations on the subject, his/her performance, attitude, ability, or suitability for promotion?

Very frankly, if I may - Azrael seems to be "going through the motions" without any real enthusiasm or conviction regarding his work. If his credentials were less impeccable (meaning his prior professional experience), I would probably recommend relocation and a demotion. At the very least, he needs more oversight and less autonomy, as he seems to be abusing that autonomy (see above re giant insects).

I would be remiss, however, if I did not add that Azrael expresses genuine affection and allegiance to certain members of the corporate team. He seemed deeply disappointed that the Holy Spirit did not conduct this evaluation and asked repeatedly about His health and happiness.

In sum, if I may speak bluntly, I think we ought to keep a closer eye on Azrael, especially in these days of computers. I don't think he is doing enough to corrupt the unconverted, and he is certainly not torturing the pre-Christian and non-Christian population adequately.

Respectfully submitted,
Archangel Gabriel
20 July 2005

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