Applegate Needs Advice

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Quick. I need some advice. What do you think of this outfit? And I'm in a rush today, so a yes or no will suffice.

Memo comes in that the Big Guy will be arriving for a performance evaluation sometime next week.

Of course I look nothing like this for real. Would anyone hire a god that looks like this? But the Big Guy gives good raises if you cooperate with his Plan for Salvation of Mankind, and I'll need a fat savings account to live down this posting when the contract expires in 3,995 years (counting the days).

I think I'll do a whole New Jersey theme. Trot out a Turnpike, bumper to bumper, fumes seeping into the air, with Bob's Big Boy signs every thirty yards and smokestacks belching. I'll put Type A corporate men in the driver's seats of every car and fill the other seats with Buddhists. (For some reason the Big Guy especially has it in for Buddhists.)

All this will make Hitler happy, because he'll get a day off the real punishment I've dealt him, which is to be alone in a room with 10,000 different translations of the Torah, which he has to render in German, one by one. He'll be only too happy to hitchhike in the humidity. But he'll act put upon, because he wants us all to forgive him and give him another chance. Yeah, right. Not on my watch.

But back to the burning (pardon the pun) question. Is the above outfit sufficiently evil, frightening, and otherwise appalling? I like the teeth and eyes, but the wings could be bigger. What do you think?

Gosh, these performance evaluations just put everything into a tizzy. And, please. The fact that I won't be renewing my contract is a secret just between us, okay? Big Guy gets wind of that, I won't get another raise and will probably be socked with as many give-backs as an American labor union.

MR. APPLEGATE