My Second Press Briefing as Surgeon General
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we're relishing our brand-new job as Surgeon General of the USA! That makes us the top dog when it comes to health issues in this great, grand Republican ... err ... Republic. (I always get those two mixed up.)
Oh, these pesky Democommunist senators! They're probing my past the way a proctologist plumbs for piles!
Okay, I'll admit it. In 1991 I was a Grand Poobah in the United Methodist Church. You know, a nice, middle-of-the-road kind of denomination that appeals to everyone and anyone. Even though they've dropped their "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors" television commercials, the United Methodists are mostly welcoming to anyone who's straight and who doesn't believe in evolution. Of course it helps if you've got deep pockets and can help finance church expansions.
And yes, I did write a scientific paper called "The Nasty, Evil, Pestilential Diseases Homosexuals Get Because Their Sex Is Not Complementary." In the paper I wrote that straight sex is complementary, meaning normal, and gay sex is a quicksand of degeneracy that leads to deathly illnesses, rather in the manner that masturbation leads to blindness.
This paper was meant in part to bolster the United Methodist Church's position that gay people could come to their church if they sit in the back and provide all the flower arrangements. But forget about gay people being in the clergy. Ain't gonna happen. Who wants a pastor who's prone to every contagion on the planet?
Can you believe the stupid senators taking me to task on this? I told them I don't feel that way anymore. Why isn't that good enough for them?
I have totally changed my mind about masturbation. It doesn't lead to blindness. Except sometimes, especially amongst Mormons.
And as for that other little thing, the homo thing, well, I've changed my mind that homosexual relations can lead to bursitis, which is one of the illnesses I listed in my paper as being directly tied to an unnatural lifestyle. There is also no conclusive evidence at this time that homosexuality leads to athlete's foot.
So cut me a break, for the love of God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth! I'll be a great Surgeon General, a loyal soldier in the righteous team of Bush, Cheney, and the Skull and Bones!
Hey, I know all about skulls and bones. I'm Surgeon General!