Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Pagan Tent Revival!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" I'm Pastor Annie, and tonight we're havin' a good old-fashioned Tent Revival Meeting! Spread out your blanket, or pull up one of those nice folding chairs! We greet you in the name of the Goddess!

And I'm so very glad to see so many young people out there in the crowd! We learn from the world around us, don't we kids? And what you're learning is that the One God Model is melting down! Can I get a "So Might It Be?"

Crowd: SO MIGHT IT BE!

Pastor Annie: We'd like to open tonight's Very Special Service with a prayer by Scott, from Citizens of Planet Earth Academy. Give a warm, nurturing welcome to Scott!

Crowd: You go, Scott!

Scott:
"Lying on my bed of hay
I listen to the peepers.
They sing so sweetly, they seem to say
Awake, ye drowsy sleepers!
Come with us, fill the air,
The singing is everywhere,
There's nobody listening!
Come with us, fill the air,
We'll alter the thoughts you wear
And set the night glistening!

"Wake up while the night is sweet
And warm as Christmas candy!
We'll sing our song, and have no fear,
The tune is very handy!
It comes from the edge, you see
We know all the harmony
We sing it quite nightly!
We sing in the nursery
Our children grow up to be
Singers, quite rightly!

Crowd: SO MIGHT IT BE!

Pastor Annie: What beautiful sentiments! Thanks so much, Scott. And since that prayer was clearly inspired by the fae, let me take this opportunity to welcome all the faeries!

Faeries: SEW MIGHTY BEES!

Pastor Annie: And to warn you worshippers that, if you come here with preconceived notions, a sense of religious superiority, or just because you think we slaughter kittens in pentagrams, watch your step! You can't fool faeries. They'll take your bad intentions or your snide remarks and turn them into flat tires!

Crowd: SO MIGHT IT BEEEEE!

Pastor Annie: Okay, all you pagans out there! What's the cornerstone of tent revivals?

Crowd: TESTIMONIALS! YEEE HAAAAA!

Pastor Annie: And we have some awesome, awesome testimonials to hear tonight, my friends! I know you'll appreciate hearing our speakers tell you how they came to the Goddess! So, with no further ado, let's give a warm pagan welcome to Zoryaneli Garcia-Lopez!

Crowd: WELCOME, ZORY!

Zory: I have a new name now. It's OneEarth.

Crowd: YOU GO!

Pastor Annie: Tell us your story, OneEarth!

Zory: Well, it's like this. I've been a good Catholic all my life until now. And I've raised six children and taught them right from wrong. My oldest son, Carlos, enlisted in the Marines because he couldn't find a job where we live. He got sent to Iraq and was killed in a roadside bombing attack.

You know how it is with your oldest child. Not that I don't love all my kids, but Carlos was special in so many ways. He helped me so much! He was a good kid. And I supported the war because he did. I bought a frame for the letter President Bush sent me and everything.

On the day of Carlos's funeral, two things happened. The parish priest was arrested on child abuse charges and hauled away in handcuffs. Then, just as a deacon was stepping in to perform the service, these people came out of nowhere and cheered because my Carlos was dead!

Crowd: OHHHHHHHH.

Zory: These cheering people, they call themselves the Westboro Baptist Church. They said Carlos died because God Hates Fags. And they called St. Bridget's Roman Catholic Church a whorehouse! And they said that all of America was going to burn in hell because the government isn't killing all the fags! They yelled out how happy they were that my son got blown up by a bomb!

Crowd: OHHHHHH.

Zory: Not that it matters, but Carlos was straight. He was engaged to a nice girl. And it was her idea for us to turn our backs on such a hateful religion as the Westboro Baptist Church and such an untrustworthy institution as the Roman Catholic Church. And so, here we are! I never thought I would be a pagan, but you know, a grieving mother can only take so much before she flips.

Pastor Annie: And the Goddess loves you, OneEarth. You'll never find it written in a book that the Goddess hates fags. Or Catholic priests, for that matter, even though they can be mighty mean sometimes.

Crowd: SO TRUUUUUE!

Pastor Annie: Now give a warm and nurturing pagan welcome to Ben and Jerry! No, faeries, sorry. They aren't the ice cream guys. But don't steal their car keys, okay?

Faeries: Phooey!

Pastor Annie: Ben? Jerry? What would you like to say?

Ben: Well, Annie, it's like this. Jerry and I have been partners for 18 years. We were both good tithing members of the Unitarian Universal Church in our community. One day we decided to participate in a Gay Pride Parade. Not on some outrageous float or anything ...

Faerie: I could go for a root beer float this very instant.

Pastor Annie: Quiet, Puck! I told you these aren't the Ben and Jerry.

Ben: We were just walking with a group from our church. And up come these God Hates Fags people with bullhorns and placards, telling us how we were going to burn in hell and take all of America with us. You know what? The Unitarian Universal Church is probably the most liberal Christian denomination out there, and it lost a dozen gay members in ten minutes, just from that one incident! Jerry and I feel much more welcome in the pagan community. Don't we, Jerry?

Jerry: We sure do.

Pastor Annie: Can I get a So Might It Be?

Crowd: SO MIGHT IT BE!

Jerry: Can I add something?

Pastor Annie: By all means.

Jerry: Ben and I were kind of waiting for some Christian denomination, particularly the Baptists, to issue an official statement against the God Hates Fags demonstrators. Not one denomination has stepped up to counter-protest that message. You want to know what I think?

Pastor Annie: By all means.

Jerry: I think it's because all of these denominations, even the Unitarian Universalists, are afraid of losing tithe-paying members if they speak out against the Westboro crowd.

Faeries: WILD WILD WESTBORO!

Ben: Jerry and I gave much prayerful thought to changing religions. We decided that Goddess-based faiths are more friendly to the earth, less burdened with dogma, and more open to humor and individuality!

Crowd: YEAH, THAT'S US, ALL RIGHT! OPEN HEARTS, OPEN MINDS!

Pastor Annie: Yeah, that slogan didn't last long with the United Methodists. It works better here. Now please welcome our final testimonial. Please be patient while he makes his way to the front. It will take him some time.

Crowd waits while a wounded Iraq veteran is slowly wheeled to the front of the tent. He's missing two limbs, and his head is swathed in bandages.

Pastor Annie: Are you game for this, Clyde Ray?

Clyde Ray: Absolutely.

Pastor Annie: Citizens of Planet Earth, please welcome PFC Clyde Ray Huckin, of Charles Town, West (By Gawdess) Virginia. Company F, 93rd Regiment, Enlisted. Be patient with Clyde Ray. He's in a lot of pain.

Clyde Ray: I have some good days and some bad days. The people at the National Naval Hospital are very helpful. I'm lucky to have their support.
Pastor Annie: Tell us why you're here, Clyde Ray. And be sure all those teenagers hear you. They're still forming opinions about praise and worship teams.

Clyde Ray: I was the chief of a bomb squad in Sadr City. About the best I can say about what happened to me was that none of my buds got hurt when the unit exploded in my face. But I'm pretty F****ed up. Oh. Sorry about the language.

Pastor Annie: No problem, pilgrim.

Clyde Ray: Sitting around like I do all day gives you time to think. And I'm wondering why we have to fight for oil when it's going to run out anyway? In West Virginia, when crops start running out, we plant them over. Can't do that with oil. But anyway. That's not why I'm here. I'm here because I just converted to paganism!

Crowd: YEEEEE HAAAAAAA! HOORAY!

Faeries: WHO RAY? HE RAY! HE CLYDE RAY AND WE LOVE HIM!

Clyde Ray: I'll tell you why I've changed my heart. It's because I look around me in that hospital, and I see people suffering, dying, brain damage, maimed forever, the worst kinds of agony you can imagine. People with families. With children to raise and bills to pay. With wives that will never be intimate with them again. With grieving parents. Wishing they had been killed so they wouldn't have to go through rehab. Wondering how they're gonna get through life. Can't even look in a mirror and see themselves so busted to pieces.

And you know what I found out yesterday? I found out that the God Hates Fags Westboro Church is going to demonstrate outside the National Naval Hospital because they say we got what we deserve for not killing every fag in America!

Pastor Annie: Are all you teenagers getting this? Here's a religion practiced by 99 percent of Americans, allowing its ugliest fringe contributors to behave like demented Ku Kluxers. And not one itty bitty bleat of protest from the Jesus crowd. Sorry, but in my orally-transmitted iconography, that gives the One True God a big fat black eye.

Faeries: BLACK EYE, BLACK HEART, BLACK MIND. And we're not proposing titles for a new James Baldwin novel here!

Pastor Annie: It's really, really hard for me to criticize any god, bored or otherwise. But if a certain Judeo-Christian deity gets misquoted, or rightly quoted, by hate-spewing psychopath dimwits, it just proves to be a magnificent teaching tool for praise and worship teams with more of a big, broad, flexible outlook.

Say what you will, but the Westboro Baptist Church (a.k.a. God Hates Fags) brings out the H. L. Mencken in me.

H.L. Mencken: It's about time you mentioned my name in this column, you ungrateful channeler, you!

Pastor Annie: Seriously, folks and faeries, you don't want to judge a whole wedding cake by the fly stuck in the icing. But when the bride and groom cut the thing up and serve it, fly and all, you've just gotta wonder.

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS

Tonight's offering will pay for Zory's health deductible ($1000 per person, she has five kids and herself) plus the $98 per month she has to pay every month for her Wal-Mart health insurance (herself and five kids). Give till it hurts: This woman earning poverty wages could conceivably be stuck with $7200 a year in health costs!

As long as the brimstones are falling tonight, might as well lob one at a deserving target like Wal-Mart.

16 Comments:

At April 19, 2006 , Blogger Hecate said...

You completely rock!

 
At April 19, 2006 , Anonymous OHDeaconess said...

Came here in Hecates recommendation (she has never steered me wrong). I am a United Methodist and it pains me to read what is written since I know it is true in so many places. My UM church was attacked by Fred and family and I have marched, prayed and protested against him and his kind. Unfortunately, his message of hate far more "sexy" that one of love and openess.

I will be back, Ann. Your site is wonderful!

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger buddy don said...

this kinda ritin is why i am a fan of yers:

Seriously, folks and faeries, you don't want to judge a whole wedding cake by the fly stuck in the icing. But when the bride and groom cut the thing up and serve it, fly and all, you've just gotta wonder.

how could it be sed inny better?

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Raevyn said...

Anne, this is one of your best posts EVAH. *applause* No wonder Puck and...and... oh sure, I can remember PUCK'S name...

Okay, start again... no wonder your faeries are so proud of you! *hugs* blessings and love!

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Paxton said...

There is not a shred of Scripture supporting the statement that "God hates Fags", though hateful idiots grasp at certain verses.

I will not dispute you on the goodness or badness of any particular church organization (though I very seriously expect that most of them, if you asked, would oppose the GHF message).

Because of God, I love. To him I owe my understanding of, and ability to, love. He is wonderful =)

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

So is She. So are They. So might it be!

And not to dispute your claim, Paxton, but the Westboro BC quotes extensive Scripture on its web site to support its position. I found that site so repugnant that I sent them an email telling them that Jesus is weeping over their behavior. They probably get 500 similar emails a day. So where's the official denominational condemnations?

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Paxton said...

"the Westboro BC quotes extensive Scripture on its web site"

that is what I meant by "hateful idiots grasp at certain verses". I will look someday and see exactly what they're saying, and tell you what I think.

I really can't tell you a lot about denominations. I am just a Christian =P

and I am certain that my Christian friends would abhor the WBC.

I don't understand how denominations work, I don't know the hierarchy and the authority and the constitutions. I don't know how someone might come to "be in charge of Baptists" or some other denominaion.

All I know is that GHF makes me very sad. I haven't made an effort to talk to them because I don't have time to read through that much hate to pick the right spot to say something. I get the feeling they aren't interested in hearing it either.

On her blog, the lady here who called me patronizing had a quote - "you know you have made God in your own image when he hates all the people you hate" or something like that. I very much agree.

So here is one Christian adding his voice and saying that WBC is lying about God, and I think it's awful. There are some terrible messages preached in Christ's name, but they don't have his blessing or authority. I know that sounds like a Christian cop-out, just trying to get out of responsibility for things, or trying to keep God from looking bad, but the truth is this: WBC is not in line with God. They are hateful, and they twist Scripture, or ignore it, and they're wrong.

As for me, if you do not see me laboring to directly oppose WBC, it is not because I am not appalled by what they say. It is because I would rather tell people what God has done for me, and what I have seen of God, instead of spending my time bashing heads with bigots who ought to know better.

On a side note, if the WBC is wrong about God (as I maintain), and God does not in fact hate homosexuals, this does NOT mean that God hates the WBC, though certainly their hatred is abominable to him.

On a side side note, I believe that homosexual sex is wrong, and I believe the Bible supports this. I do not believe that God hates people who have homosexual sex. Nor do I believe that homosexuality is what condemns people to hell. Rejecting God is what leads to hell (I have explained this more extensively on my blog, though not as extensively as I want to).

gotta run

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Ellie Finlay said...

I'm the "lady" who said Paxton was patronizing and the person I quoted on my blog was Anne Lamott who said, "You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do."

Who is Zory and is there any way we can send a contribution to help with her deductible? Her situation is truly outrageous.

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Ellie Finlay said...

Silly me. (My brain is not functioning today...) Zory is the one who gave the testimonial in your post! But still, is there a way we can send some help? I'd love to.

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Ellie Finlay said...

Okay, third time's the charm. What I meant to say in BOTH my comments above is that it is a BRILLIANT post, Anne. I agree with Hecate: You truly rock!

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

Ellie, you princess among women, Zory and all the people testifying at the tent meeting are fictitious. (Actually I have a few students named Zory in the school where I substitute teach. I think it's a pretty name.) I just wanted to show how hypocritical Wal-Mart is when it says it offers "health insurance" to its employees. But how sweet of you to want to help Zory! You must be a bang-up kiddo.

Paxton, we at "The Gods Are Bored" respect your happiness with the Lord God Almighty. What we suspect is that you see God's stuff as a Yellow Brick Road to heaven and everything else as a dangerous poppy field. We at "The Gods Are Bored" feel that many roads lead to many heavens. We even respect the atheist road that leads to a dead end.

We do not consider homosexuality a sin. We consider it an inherited preference, akin to skin color. People can't control the fact that they're born black, and they can't control the fact that they're born queer. And an Intelligent Designer allowed for this development, eh?

 
At April 20, 2006 , Blogger Ellie Finlay said...

As I said earlier, my brain is not functioning today! :-)

The sad thing is that there are a lot of real life Zorys out there. I wish I could help them all. What's even worse is the people with no insurance at all. It's beyond reprehensible.

 
At April 21, 2006 , Blogger Paxton said...

To be perfectly clear about what I believe,

God's stuff IS heaven. The Bible says that THIS is eternal life: to know the Father, and Jesus Christ. Subtle but important distinction. It's sort of like...hm, well, it's maybe a little like when you don't want to be "In love BECAUSE". You just want to be "IN LOVE". Not a perfect analogy but it is the closest I can think of right now.

Anne, The Gods are Bored seems to encourage a "pick something and call it reality" mindset. I know that you don't want to step on anybody's toes except for the toesteppers', but I see a lot more suspension of disbelief here than actual belief. That is, I think you care a whole lot more about religion than fact -- as if the actual existence or nonexistence of a god has no significant impact on that god's religion.

If you ever have the time and inclination to expound -- I would be interested to know what you think about the following:

Suppose a group of people worship a god called Dennis. They have certain doctrines and practices and traditions and rituals and stories and beliefs, all of it for the purpose of worshipping Dennis. Does it matter, in your opinion, whether Dennis does in fact exist in reality, or does it only matter that he exists "in the minds of his disciples"?

 
At April 25, 2006 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

Whoa. I missed that last one from Paxton! Thank goodness we at "The Gods Are Bored" talked to John Frum this week!

For the record, we at "The Gods Are Bored" feel very strongly that confining all good and all love and all true faith to one deity is dangerously exclusive. We at "The Gods Are Bored" cannot imagine the creators of Stonehenge to be in hell. But the good Christian must say that, since the creators of Stonehenge never accepted Jesus as their personal savior, they have gone to hell.

We support and defend the Varieties of Religious Experience. And we don't fear the Christian hell, because we don't have to go there! We will pick something else!

 
At April 26, 2006 , Blogger Raevyn said...

Never mind that the creators of Stonehenge were born and died several generations BEFORE Christ... kind of throws a huge monkey-wrench in the works...

Things that make you go hmmmm...

 
At June 01, 2006 , Blogger L. Sparrow said...

Its nice to find a breath of fresh air out there in Blog Land!

Thanks Anne!

Peace and Blessings!

Lil Sparrow

 

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