NOTE TO MORONS: THE FOLLOWING POST IS SATIRE. LOOK UP THE WORD "SATIRE" BEFORE YOU READ ON.
Hello out there! Welcome to The Gods Are Bored Memorial Hospital! I know you are really interested in quick and easy remedies for the coronavirus. If you didn't see his briefing on April 23, our president offered the wisdom that injecting or ingesting disinfectant can cure the bug.
How about that? A splendid idea! Gotta tell you, my friends, I put out some lines of dishwasher detergent last night and snorted them. All of a sudden, I didn't care if I ever got the virus, or got a cure. I didn't even care to live, to be honest.
I was ready to try the ultraviolet light treatment the president recommended, too. I figured if I were to lay out in the bright sunshine for 8 hours nonstop, I would probably sterilize myself thoroughly. Promise you I'll try it on the next sunny day. It's pouring here in the Great Blue Northeast just now.
But President VillageIdiot is overlooking some other tried-and-true remedies for a novel virus the human body has never experienced before. Are you feeling under the weather? Try the following, and you'll live a long and happy life!
1. Dry Cat Food. Little known fact: Cat food cures everything from the heartbreak of psoriasis to ingrown toenails! Eat one bowl each day. Feed your cat the food you would otherwise be eating yourself. Omit salad.
2. Pothole Water. You know how water collects in those pesky potholes? Drink that right down! In addition to curing coronavirus, this will be a great colon cleanser.
3. Vitamins. Forget One-a-Day. Try One-Bottle-a-Day. Yes, take the whole bottle at once. Coronavirus is a dangerous foe! Halfway measures won't work.
4. Crayons. Hey, the box says non-toxic, right? Chow those puppies down! If you've got the big box of 64, you will be protected from coronavirus for 64 days! The magenta is particularly powerful.
5. Electricity. Since you were a little kid, people have been telling you not to stick a knife in an electrical outlet. Of course! You didn't need to, because you didn't have novel coronavirus! But now you should employ this sensible remedy. The searing pain and heart palpitations are unfortunate side effects, but hey ... hydroxychloroquine has pretty much the same effect.
6. Prayer. Petitions should be addressed to Yahweh and should be undertaken at a mega-church. Many of the mega-churches are open, because remember -- Jesus is stronger than the virus. Pay no attention to the people who couldn't get this to work! They were lacking in faith.
So there you have it. I feel fairly confident of all these treatments, because heck ... I took Health in high school and (if memory serves) passed with a solid C.
MORON: THIS IS SATIRE.
Sheesh.
7 comments:
oh hellz bellz gurl, you just made me pee myself!
and yet teh stoopids will try what preznit villageidiot said, and perhaps some of your suggestions too. GOOD RIDDANCE AND DIE, STOOPIDS; I won't shed a tear for ya.
"President VillageIdiot"
I.LOVE.IT.
And now I'll wait until he steals some of your ideas as his own.
I can personally attest to the efficacy of the Crayons Cure. Plus you'll poop rainbows.
Your List and his List pretty much round out and cover every Cure that the Lunatic Fringe might try in their haste to have a quick fix so everything can just open up and like Magic, everything will be as it once was! As their Orange god says... it'll be The Best, Beautiful, like Magic, Wonderful, Great... God I just Love a Good Fairy Tale... he should start every sideshow Pandemic Briefing with "Once upon a time..."!
I don't know why he and his coterie of slavering beasts haven't come down with the virus. All standing shoulder to shoulder and glad-handing each other. My screaming 'Die Motherfuckers!' at the newspaper or tv isn't having any effect yet.
Great ideas! Thanks.
I found something you need to check out. Pesquet’s Parrot. Combining your favorite birds. Hope you and the clan are doing well. Take care.
Lori
you made me laaaaaaaugh
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