Interview with a Bored God: Krampus

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Hey, is it the longest night of the year, here in the Northern Hemisphere? Are there thoughtful and appropriate celebrations honoring the bored and the busy gods? Well, that's all fine and dandy! But here at "The Gods Are Bored," we're just hanging with the silly, same as it ever was.

In fact, we have an interview guest tonight, taking time out of His busy schedule of whipping little kids and shoving them in sacks to chat with us! Please give a warm, wonderful, Gods Are Bored welcome to The Krampus!

Anne: Wow, you are one scary-looking monster.

Krampus: Sank you. Ze Spare vant me to tell you zat if you make fun of me, you are Number Von on my naughty list.

Anne: Chill! I'm all about giving good press to downsized deities ... even if they don't deserve it.

Krampus: Backhanded compliment. Vatch it.

Anne: Let me be sure I have this straight. These days, You are a nasty badass who travels with Santa Claus.

Krampus: Correct.

Anne: And if a kid has been naughty, he or she doesn't get a nice gift from Santa. Instead, You either steal the gift, leave coal or kindling, whip the kid, or stuff the kid in a sack.

Krampus: Zis is how I roll.

Anne: So basically, when the days get short and the nights get long, parents start telling their kids to be good, or else. Behave, and kindly Santa gives you gifts. Be bad, and mean Krampus whips you and steals your stuff.

Krampus: It pays ze bills, okay?

Anne: Oh, I totally understand! It's freakin' hard for a deity of Pagan origin to find any kind of employment that isn't demeaning or difficult! Honestly, though. How many kids do You actually scourge or kidnap?

Krampus: None.

Anne: Not one single kid? Never?

Krampus: Not one single kid.  Even ze ones who say, "Okay, I know I've been bad, I'm ready for ze Krampus." But I have been known to pinch ze gifts. Not wholesale, like ze Grinch, but here and there.

Anne: There's been a lot of talk lately about the racial origin of Santa Claus. But what goes missing in this dialogue is Santa's agenda. So ... one more time ... You and Santa go hand-in-hand on the gift-giving binge. A kid is good, he gets a gift. A kid is bad, he gets sticks.

Krampus: You are repeating yourzelf why?

Anne: Because I think this is just a rotten way to keep kids well-behaved in the autumn months, that's why! Yeah, it's real nice. Every time little Hans commits some little error, he faces the threat of being bagged and lashed by a furious, horn-rimmed monster! (to herself) I wonder which came first ... the widespread adult-onset anxiety disorders or the childhoods traumatized by savage Christmas monsters?

Krampus: Ze vorst part is, I usually only take gifts from ze poor kids whose parents couldn't afford to buy any. Rich kids can be bad as zhey like. Zhey still get gifts.

Anne: Oh, this just gets worse and worse! So, a kid who has been good can still feel bad if Christmas comes and he doesn't get a gift? He can sit on the stoop and review his entire year, looking for those naughty moments that might have brought the Krampus to his hovel?

Krampus: Blame ze Christians! Blame ze Christians! I vas once a perfectly fine and honorable forest spirit! I punished only the fools who vandered into ze woods with no respect for Nature. Now I gotta pick on ze littlest kids. Look at me! I vonce vas handsome!

Anne: Krampus, I totally and completely believe You. Both You and Santa Claus are basically enforcers of docile behavior amongst those little humans who are naturally the most lively and rowdy. What a bum rap. You have my sympathy.

Krampus: Sank you.

Anne: What do You do the rest of the year?

Krampus: I try to make enough money in November and December to get me through. In the summer months I can find some vork as a substitute Boogey Man. But nossing full-time.

Anne: Well, Krampus, I tell you what I'm going to do. On Xmas Eve I'm going to set out a fine, large stein, chock-a-block with an amber lager of your choice. And a plate of strudel. Don't share it with Santa Claus. He's no doubt the source of your bad press. Would You like apple strudel?

Krampus: Honestly, I love ze black forest cake.

Anne: Lucky day! I have one of those right downstairs in the kitchen! Krampus, let's go drink a toast to rowdy children everywhere!

Krampus: Hip hip hooray!

Anne: Just be careful with that chocolate. I don't want to get any stains on my recliner. I'm just a little bit particular about my upholstery.

Krampus: Anne, zis is known by ze bored gods everyvhere. I vill sit at ze table. Did you say amber lager?

Follow "The Gods Are Bored" on Facebook!  https://www.facebook.com/TheGodsAreBored