Monday, December 02, 2013

Another New God

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we celebrate old gods and new gods, and brand-new gods! You just never know when a new god is going to materialize out of the ether. Or the mushrooms. Maybe I'll wait on the mushrooms until another day.

I guess it was about six years ago that I stumbled upon a hilariously vitriolic blog, written by God. And this was God. No use arguing with Him. He'd as soon smite you as look at you.

There were long and very funny threads on that blog, and through them I got to know (vitually) some interesting people. One of those people found me on Facebook and told me that God had moved to Facebook with His very own page.

He was the same old God, though. The same deity who proclaimed that atheism was for pussies and Jesus was disappointing as a son. This God designated Tuesday as "Smite Day" and Wednesday as "Ask God" day, inviting His followers to chime in. He peppered His Facebook page with snarky memes, avoided video, and showed a proclivity for left-leaning and Earth-friendly politics.

God's Facebook had maybe 46,000 followers when I joined. The number grew exponentially. He crested one million a few months ago and now has about 1.2 m.

A curious thing happens when you're God with more than a million Facebook followers. Whether or not you were a God before, you're suddenly a God. A real God with the power to alter life and death.

People began leaving God messages like, "Dear God, I just don't think I can go on anymore. Life is so pointless. No one loves me. I'm thinking of ending it all."

God responded with reassurance and a suicide hotline number.

There have been other instances when God worked on behalf of His Facebook followers, but I feel like He's already experiencing an avalanche of petitioners (like any other busy God), so I hope the above instance will suffice.

Whether He wanted to or not, whether He was prepared or not, Facebook God became a deity. He still smites the unworthy, and He still answers impertinent questions, and He still belittles stupid people who say they're Christians and then threaten to bash in His fucking head if He doesn't take the page down. But a kinder, gentler God has emerged. Some of His posts are right out of the Fluffy Bunny Playbook. It has to be that way when you really become a God.

Well, it's not like this new God is the first human to achieve the status of a deity. Nor is this God the first one to alter His message to widen His appeal. But He might be the first deity created through the holy agency of social media.

Here's to you, Facebook God! I hope Your praise and worship team does You proud.

You can become a follower of Facebook God at this link:

... but don't take this as a Pagan endorsement. We at "The Gods Are Bored" will still stick with the Ancient Ones, thankyouverymuch ... but a good laugh is always worth promotion. And this God will make you laugh.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Thanks for the update on God's FB success! I loved his old blog and the snarky commenters who gathered there (yea verily, you amongst them). Since I'm not on FB, I haven't followed God's page but I heard rumours He was still busy smiting one and all.

Lucretia said...

OMG, that's hilarious!! (Yep, I just said that.) ;-)

And the comments are just as good or better than the original "posts" by God. People are actually having FUN on that page! There should be a law...

Anne Johnson said...

Lucretia, I have no idea why I can't post comments on your blog, but I am loving the creepy Christmas crawl! I hope you see this.

Lucretia said...

Anne, that IS bizarre, as I have no problems posting on your blog! Maybe a bored god is fiddling with things for fun??

I'm glad you are enjoying my version of Creepmas! :-)