Wowsa, did I have a shitty day yesterday! Bad dreams, drama at the office, qualms about Mr. J leaving his job. And it was 52 and sunny, but I didn't emerge from work until nearly sundown!
And then what did I do? I wallowed in self-pity. Oh, please. So not me.
Awhile back, during a similar bout of woe-is-me, one of my readers sent me a golden vulture named Floppy to improve my spirits. Wouldn't you know, Floppy is here with me right now, and he says ... well, let's get an interview! *cue recording device*
Floppy: Anne, stop that right now! You anger the deities when you moan about your wasted potential.
Anne: Don't vultures like it when people are depressed?
Floppy: No, dummy! They like it when people are dead. You're not dead. You aren't even sick. Shame on you!
Anne: You know what my problem is? I had a job I loved for 20 years. I was my own boss, and I really looked forward to work each day. Now I have a job I don't love. I've counted out the days until summer vacation (99).
Floppy: So you think you're going to attract a wide readership complaining about your job when there are millions of people who don't have jobs at all? And millions more who have to drag into Wal-Mart every day and work like dogs, then use their food stamps to feed their kids? Bad form, Anne. I have half a mind to jab my beak into your crushed velvet sofa!
Anne: Oh no! No, Floppy, don't! You know how many hours I spend every month steam-cleaning that sofa! It's my pride and joy!
Floppy: Now, what you have to do is start lining up stuff you can look forward to doing. That will give you the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
Anne: Well, one of those psychologist professional types told me that looking forward to specific short events is just a "patch," and that I needed to get all joyous in my everyday soul.
Floppy: I'll bet you paid a bundle for that keen observation, didn't you?
Anne: Yes, these psychologists don't come cheap, unless they're on your health plan. This one wasn't.
Floppy: I'm not going to tell you how to spend your money, Anne, but frankly, you could have gotten that advice from almost any religious text from any pantheon ... for free.
Anne: Oh, you are really cheering me up here! First you threaten my unblemished sofa, then you remind me of misspent ducats! Is this how you go about making a girl feel better? Okay. You tell me. How do I go about getting joyous in my everyday soul?
Floppy: Line up stuff you can look forward to doing! Then do it! Patch, my ass! Every time you do something fun, something you've saved for and awaited with great anticipation, you're filling your soul with spirited adventure that becomes spiritual memory!
Anne (to audience): And you wonder why I worship Thunderbirds.
Floppy: Of course, there's a great deal of soul-joy you could derive from a meaningful daily experience of the bored gods. You don't do much of that, frankly.
Anne: Guilty as charged.
Floppy: So I suggest you put "meaningful daily experience of the Gods" on your list of stuff you can look forward to doing. Then make it happen.
Anne: Floppy, you give great advice! I feel considerably bucked up. You are a very fine bird. I'm glad Kim C sent you to me.
Floppy: My pleasure, most of the time. Now. On that list of things to look forward to. What's for dinner? I'm cold, and I want some comfort food!
Anne: Lucky you. Comfort food is on the menu. Except it will be freshly cooked, and not likely to go rancid for a long time in this weather.
Floppy: I'll lower myself to eating fresh. Just don't serve peanut butter. It glues my beak shut.
Reader, many people find solace in a meaningful experience of the Gods. In my house, sometimes all it takes is a little chat with wise, if goofy-looking, buzzard.Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go look in my fridge to see if there's something in there that's growing a little fuzz -- a treat for my golden friend.
PS - Floppy takes Medicare and most health plans. Call today to schedule an appointment.