Tuesday, May 17, 2011

In Which I Predict the End of the World

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," counting down to Rapture on May 21! Yes, Rapture is scheduled, and we who are longing to be Left Behind can only hope that the 1,235th time is the charm.

The world will end some day. It surely will. You don't need "The Gods Are Bored" to tell you that.

Our planet has undergone several immensely significant extinction events, the most recent being the end of the Age of Dinosaurs. This wasn't a long, slow descent into darkness, but a catastrophic collision with an asteroid.

Think about it. One day, all the rich, varied plethora of dinos were out in their rain forests, munching those pretty big plants and gently nuzzling their babies, and the next day, the Earth said "ouch," and that was that. The large dinosaur species must have disappeared in a matter of months. Months, on a planet that has been rocking on for a couple billion years.

We've got fancy science now that could tell us if another asteroid might be on a collision path with Earth. But could we stop it? Oh yeah, that would get all of us to work together for awhile, or at least to view each other with more empathy. Once the impact occurs, though, it would be every Homo sapiens for himself, and none of us could cope with a sunless sky and the total loss of food crops. We're better organized than the dinosaurs, but we're still too fragile to survive a catastrophic extinction event.

Let's say Earth never gets hit by another asteroid. Well, we at "The Gods Are Bored" still predict that the world will end. The planet is warmed by a star that will change as it ages. One little burp that's bigger than usual will fry us one and all. It's inevitable that changes to the Sun will alter the surface temperatures on Earth beyond the survival capacity of biological life.

It might not even take a Sun burp. Humankind is its own worst enemy. Have you seen the population estimates for this century? Me too. The more crowded we get, the more meat we supply to an opportunistic bacterium or virus. In this era, a sickness that wiped out 90 percent of the population might cause the other 10 percent to die of attrition, since almost everyone on the planet now relies on some basic forms of technology. Would you know how to grow enough food and kill enough meat for ten percent of the people in your home town? Me neither.

We've got the Yellowstone caldera, global climate change, plate tectonics ... ah, face it, our rock is always in peril.

Notice this, however. I predict with 100 percent certainty the end of the world. I do not predict the exact date when it will happen. People who do this are foolish. Your better variety of deities never do it. Even the busy god says He has it on His calendar, but He's not telling anyone when.

The reason for not assigning a specific date to chaos is crystal clear. If you mark it on your calendar, and that day comes and goes with only the usual round of death and misery (off-balanced by birth and joy), you look like a moron. People may begin to doubt your predicting skills. Banquet halls might not want to book your daughter's wedding reception. The dry cleaner won't ask you when you plan to pick up your shirts ... heck, they might not even take your shirts in the first place! If you can't predict the big stuff with certainty, no one will trust you on the details either.

Casinos, however, will roll out the red carpet to you -- as will race tracks. You clearly, dearly love a long shot.

The world will end. Just not on Saturday. How do I know for sure? I don't know for sure. But the odds of me getting up to fix Sunday brunch on May 22 are astronomical. I like a safe bet.


Anonymous said...

Personaly I look forward to the rapture because the world will be a much better place when the fundies go away.

Intense Guy said...

I'm hoping that when the time comes for the end of the human race - that it is unexpected, quick, and complete - after which I hope the planet Earth recovers sans Human cancer and provides a home for wildlife that doesn't try to destroy it or each other.


I think one day we'll ....'not wake up'...while we were sleeping the earth farted and zap we're history.

Lori F - MN said...

Who decided this arbritrary end of the world date?
What makes this date more logical than December 21 2012?

Alex Pendragon (NOT my real name) said...

Well, Lori, it's very simple. You see, you take the differences in scripture, assignment them an algebraic value, take all those and devide them by the coefficient of the cosign of the contradictions, that THAT product and extract the square root and multiply THAT result by the exact number of versions since the original, minus the numbers in millions that have died horrible deaths at the hands of the busy God, and then throw your hands up in exasperation, and bringing said hands down on a map, there pinpoint the date of the rapture by counting ahead by 666. Makes total sense, right?

Lori F - MN said...

Well, according to the bible, god already had his meltdown with the great flood. And the rainbow is the promise to not do that again.
So, unless someone got a personal message on when the end of days is...
But then again, the bible is simply mythology.

Anne Johnson said...

Oh, no, Lori, the bible isn't mythology! It's no more mythology than the stories of Zeus, Thor, and Turtle Woman! All are revealed truths ... you choose.

Gruvkitty said...

Love your label on this entry.