Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Beast's Short List

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," counting down to Rapture in three ... two ... one.

I find it hard to make predictions about deities. One time I was on a golf course, on a high piece of ground, with a titanium putter in my hand, just four feet from the hole. I missed the shot. As a thunderstorm roiled around me, I waved the putter in the air and dared God to strike me dead.

And here I am. You cannot trust these deities to do what they're purported to do.

At the same time, I can't help but draw up a wish list for the Great Beast.

You've heard of the Great Beast. He's the bad dude who's going to descend and enthrall us after Rapture ... only to dash our heads against the bricks, or some such.

Who would you like to see dashed on the bricks by the Great Beast?

Me, I'm a no-kill kinda gal, so maybe I ought to put it differently. Who do you think deserves to smell the Great Beast's breath up close and personal?

Here's my short list.

1. People who think there's only one way to salvation, and that is ... (enter your exclusionary religion here).

2. People who reap profit off human suffering. You know, insurance company execs, makers of fast food, the Military Industrial Complex ... enough examples. You're smart. You get it.

3. People who set themselves up as paragons of virtue, when really they're secretly boozing, drugging, and banging in reckless abandon. Have at 'em, Beast.

4. All of the people who have replaced the cute Mister Softee vendor who used to drive the ice cream truck through my neighborhood. (Yes, I know. It's personal.)

5. Rick Santorum, just because he would not believe his bad luck at not being Raptured.

Please feel free to leave your candidates for suffering at the hands of the Great Beast in the comments column. We at "The Gods Are Bored" really appreciate your patronage, which will be the subject of the next entry!


Ronda Kisner said...

Anyone who would abuse animals.

Gwionfawyr said...

Sarah Palin

Wizardess said...

Oh, pedophiles of any type would be good...esp Catholic priests. And the aforementioned as well. The beast should appear as a large wolf to Palin.

Lori F - MN said...

James Ray

Alex Pendragon (NOT my real name) said...

Anybody who ever lined up at a bookstore to get Sarah Palin's's just occurred to me....she IS the beast! it all makes sense now!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I'd like the Great Beast to blow some putrid breath towards Pope Benedict. Oh, and everyone at the Westboro Baptist Church.

Gwionfawyr said...

Addendum: I'm adding Governor Rick Perry to this list.

Moncha said...

thank you so much for your great blog entries. I've just found your blog and have been laughing a lot ; )
Here in The Netherlands there aren't people who believe in the rapture, so I think the Dutch will stay behind too ; )
I know some people who could really use some Beast breath. The whole Dutch government that is in charge at the moment. Especially someone who is always bashing Islamic people and blaming them for everything that goes wrong in the world, sounds familiar ??
Have a great day.

Lori F - MN said...

YES! The Westboro Baptists! Gobble them up!!

faeryprincess9_16 said...

The Westboro Baptists and pedophiles definitely get my vote! Also, people with the mentality of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Jack Schaap and David Barton and politicians like Michele Bachmann, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell and Georgia State Rep. Bobby Franklin, a Republican from Marietta, Georgia, who introduced a bill that would criminalize miscarriages, making abortion and miscarriage -- or "prenatal murder" in the language of the bill -- potentially punishable by death." and wants to redefine rape....those are only a few I can think of off the top of my head.....

Intense Guy said...

I wish I could say no one deserves the "smell of the Great Beast's breath up close and personal" but I'm just going to go with "any politican that forgets it's about public service and it's not a career nor does it make them a member of some "elite" group". Unfortunately, that means just about all of 'em.

kimc said...

There's a whole list of behind the scenes people whose names we may not know. Among the names we do know are: the Koch brothers, Karl Rove, and others too numerous to name. Or too dangerous to name.
To change the subject completely, all you teachers: how do you know when to use "whose" and when to use "who's"?