Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Night Class Resumes: Gremlins Seize Phones, Tix

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," dedicated to the proposition that no human makes it through life without being somehow annoyed by something inconsequential.

If you know someone who has never been annoyed, I sure would like to meet that person. The first thing I would do is try my damnedest to annoy. Sour grapes and all that, don't you know.

Tonight was the first meeting in a dreary round of night classes that will stretch all the way to June ... and include six Saturdays as well. Returning as our teacher is the infamous Mr. Bigwand, who has lost none of his power to pontificate due to holiday revelry.

Those of you just joining "The Gods Are Bored" need a little back story. Mr. Bigwand is a retired teacher of Advanced Placement history classes at a posh suburban school. He has been hired to teach people like me (not formally trained as teachers) who are employed by urban districts struggling to meet state standards. In other words, he knows not of what he speaks ... and speaks ... and speaks...

I didn't like Mr. Bigwand from the evening of his first sermon back in September. But he sealed his fate when, the Wednesday before Halloween, he bragged for 15 minutes about terrifying little kids with expensive, theatrical-grade horror masks. Apparently this is his favorite Halloween activity.

Tonight Mr. Bigwand waxed eloquent about the fact that "gremlins" have stolen his cell phone. Worse, they also walked off with five tickets to Wing Bowl, Philadelphia's most toxic annual show of moronic slobbery.

It was all I could do not to fall from my undersized Catholic school right-handed desk.

Our house furnace is broken, but I'm toasty warm thinking about Mr. Bigwand having to buy five more tickets to Wing Bowl. He also has to buy a new phone. Did the faeries ... errrr ... gremlins do this?

Well, we can rule out faeries. No faerie of any stripe would attend Wing Bowl. It's disgusting. And since gremlins rather enjoy watching big, mean men scare cute little toddlers, I think I will point the accusatory digit at the gremlins.

Good job, gremlins!

During this term I will be expected to conduct a 15-minute class for adults, complete with lesson plan. I can choose my topic. Of course at first I thought I would give a class on faeries. Then I thought twice. Fifteen minutes is hardly enough time to do justice to faeries.

I have fallen back on Plan B, which will be a snap to do, won't require any research, and will only demand a minimal outlay of cash.

Ladies and gentlemen (Bigwand's favorite phrase ad nauseum), I will conduct a lesson on the acquisition, care, maintenance, and relinquishment of foster kittens. I'll have them weeping in the aisles!

Wait a minute. Maybe I should give a presentation on the East Coast Vulture Festival! Drum up some business for a worthy event!

No, scratch that. The thought of seeing Mr. Bigwand at Buzzard Day is not appealing.

Cute little kittens it is.


Yvonne Rathbone said...

Ah, but if Mr. Bigwand shows up at the vulture festival, he will have to deal with vultures. If he fosters a kitten, the kitten will have to deal with Mr. Bigwand.

Sarita said...

Sounds good to me. :)

THE Michael said...

The day I haven't been anoyed by SOMETHING or SOMEONE is the day the rapture occured.

Lori F - MN said...

Class - Vultures are beautiful.

Pom said...

How much longer must you put up with this "pimple on the ass of humanity"?


i would give a lesson on the word assholes ..and give examples..

Lori F - MN said...


Well said.

But somehow I imagine bigwand might take offense even if he doesn't know why.

harmonyfb said...

I think you should give a class on Vultures - it's a subject about which you can speak with authority, it's near and dear to your heart, and it's a topic more people could stand some learning on.

Pitch313 said...

Gremlins are probably not the entities responsible for taking those items. More likely brownies, hobs, or one of the other more or less house focused members of the Fae.

But I doubt that any supernatural or paranormal agents were involved at all. Just the casual passing through of one or another "lost sock" vortex.