Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," today hosting a worn-out, frazzled wreck of a female who's trying bad moods on for size! WHERE'S THE XXXL?
You know what holiday I hate? Xmas. Cancel that dud, and do it now!
It's bad enough that department stores start decking their halls with boughs of holly in September, but now things have gotten even worse. Halloween wasn't even rung in and out before all the stores everywhere were shoving it aside for Xmas!
Pardon the rare burst of bad language, but that sucks.
I can't really blame the Christians for this despicable annual ploy to separate me from my money and my sanity. Xmas has always been marked by various praise and worship teams, some of them in lavish ways. In these modern times it belongs exclusively to Jesus, however, so I'm gonna heave my bad mood in that direction.
Can we skip it? Please?
Recipe for disaster? Take the darkest month of the year (Northern Hemisphere) and shove a merry, jolly, ho ho holiday right into the darkest part of it. Bombard people with subliminal messages that equate gift-giving with immortality and/or orgasms. Expect people to host dinners and parties for people they don't even like in the summertime. And the best part? Watch your kids bite their lips as their friends show off new, fancy tech equipment that their parents can afford and you can't.
Just once. Just once in my life. Just once in my life I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE GRINCH TAKE THAT SLED UP TO THE TOP OF MOUNT KRUMPIT AND DUMP DUMP DUMP IT!
I'm not mean like Ebenezer Scrooge. I'm just sick of everything that goes with Xmas. I would like to be able to go into stores and not have my eyeballs filled to the plimsol line with red and green glitz! As my friend Seitou pointed out the other evening, who picked that color scheme, anyway! That shit don't match!
(Well, that's not how she put it. She's more ladylike. But still, she's right.)
You know what? There's only one place on Earth where I can have any control over Xmas overload. And that is right here at TGAB.
Time for a pledge.
I pledge avoidance
of the fact
that Christmas is coming.
I will not mention it
in any way, shape, or form,
from this moment
until December 24, and maybe not then.
Hold me to it. I am fed up as hell with this eternal holiday.