Tuesday, March 18, 2008

On the Relative Lengths of Wars

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we like our roses to have thorns, our ice cream to be fattening, and our sofas to be stain-free! Since 2005 this site has advocated breaking up the One God monopoly in favor of a plethora of polytheistic pantheons. One size fits all? Pish tosh. If a piece of clothing says "One Size Fits All," that only means it won't look good on anyone.

For my ten regular readers, this is a banner day! My story on the Berkeley Springs Water Tasting is at banner top at The Smart Set. Go have a sip. And then come back here tomorrow for the latest laffs!

This week marks the fifth anniversary of the War in Iraq. So this conflict has now surpassed the U.S.Civil War, World Wars One and Two, the Korean War, the Spanish-American War, the Mexican War, and -- a personal favorite since the old ancestors were involved -- the Whiskey Rebellion.

Oh, my bad! I forgot the War of 1812!

Of course, all of these wars pale in comparison to the Hundred Years' War (which I believe began sometime in the 1300s, I'm too lazy to look it up) or the Crusades -- lump those babies together and you've got three centuries of fighting. There's also that conflict that was never declared and was decided mostly by biological warfare, but still has pockets of resistance yet today: The War between Eastern and Western Hemispheres. If we say it began in 1492 and ended at Wounded Knee, that's one friggin long war.

Even that war is just a tiny blip on the radar when compared to the Biggest War of All Time: Them vs. Us.

The War of Them vs. Us has raged since the Pliocene, maybe even earlier. It is grounded in the very fiber of humankind, which consistently shows itself as a species to be fettered by a bad combination of survival instincts and the ability to think in ways that enhance personal survival.

Look around you. From the teams on the Little League field right up to the Nazis invading Poland, we're wired to see the world as Them vs. Us. And we are better than they are. We're smarter, we're stronger, we deserve more, they should listen to us, and then they'd be so much better off! We've got it right, they've got it wrong, how can we convince them to be like us? And if we can't convince them to be like us, wouldn't it be better to get rid of them, so that they don't try to make us into them?

We at "The Gods Are Bored" try to advocate a big, broad, flexible outlook as a way to advance the evolution of humankind. And then in the next breath we pronounce Rick Santorum a moron. Which he is. He's one of them. And we don't like them.

So then, how do we transcend this genetic glitch that leads to war anniversaries? Sorry, this sermon is open-ended. We at "The Gods Are Bored" don't have an answer. But we do believe that whatever deity actually created this species ought to get right to work on the problem, and solve it in a hell of a hurry.


THE Michael said...

I just had a vision in which the Green Man stated that mankind will cease all war when the ultimate Ziti recipe is created. I'm working on that now. I expect at least one pyramid for my troubles. Or maybe a sphinx.....yea.....a sphinx!

Evn said...

But we do believe that whatever deity actually created this species ought to get right to work on the problem, and solve it in a hell of a hurry.

Me (speaking for the Gods): We're TRYING, okay? But seriously, We swear, trying to reason with you people is like talking to cats. Oh, you blink like you understand, but other than that...

yellowdog granny said...

we as humans have been fighting since the cave people were hunched around the campfire and 'ohnpo' said to 'ghnut' 'your woman look good' and ghnut whacked him with a rock..

Evn said...

And the really sad part is that "Ghnut" means "Peaceful Enlightened One."