Thursday, March 29, 2007

Principles of Bad Faerie Control

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" We're always here with helpful suggestions for upholstery maintenance! Out, out, damned spot!

Today we're going to share some tips on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happy faeries. In other words, we want you to be free ... free of bad faeries who will make you say words you don't want your children repeating in front of the Sunday School superintendant.

With no further ado, we offer:

Faerie 101: Tips for Essential Bad Faerie Control

1. Keep your surroundings tidy. Bad faeries hide in piles of junk. They hide your important stuff in there, too. So, hard as it is for you and me, we've got to throw out those old newspapers.

2. Make proper offerings to your faeries. They love alcohol, chocolate, cheese, fragrant candles, and any kind of dessert. Never open a bottle of booze without setting aside a portion for the faeries. Put your offering in a corner, and when you've finished your portion, take up the faeries' portion. Angela-Eloise reminds me that you never say "thank you" to a faerie. It insults them. Try saying, "My, that was some kick-ass Budweiser, eh faerie?"

3. As Tennessee Jed puts it, try not to make matters worse. The more riled up you get, the more bad faeries you'll attract. Jed mustn't have a bad faerie to his name, because he climbs baseball stadium light fixtures to change the bulbs. You just can't do that if you're surrounded by bad faeries.

4. If the bad faeries will not leave you alone, get dressed up in your finest and go to a service at the nearest mega church. Let them think you're converting to the religion that belittles their existence. Okay, so this will be hard for you, too. It's called tough love.

5. If you have a baby and you're afraid the bad faeries are going to try to substitute a changeling -- well, that's gotten easier to control than ever. Just buy one of those nursery monitors and keep it on when the tot is in bed. You'll find a nursery monitor has many valuable uses beyond merely protecting a babe from bad faeries. So it's win-win.

6. It has been my experience that bad faeries can be driven from a home by repeatedly playing your DVD set of "The Honeymooners." This may drive you from your home, too, but you'll come back and they won't.

7. Try to understand where your bad faeries are coming from. They may be cranky at having to spend time in the mortal world. Invite them for a drive in the country, stop at some beguiling spot, and suggest they explore. I have in this manner infested a little stream called Terrapin Run with a veritable army of bad faeries who will rain bad karma on any developer who tries to build a town for 11,000 people along the creek banks. Are you reading this, Michael Carnock?

So, with all these handy tips, you should be able to tame those pesky faeries and get them into shape. Truth to tell, though, it's sometimes fun to have a few bad faeries around just to make life interesting. Until they get into your computer, that is. I've got a couple doing the jig in mine just now.



Aquila ka Hecate said...

Hey-you're getting really good at coding tags!

We're neat at home to the point of Minimalism, except in out car.Perhaps that's why we get so many car-related pranks.

Thanks for this-I'm going to try to take some of my mildly-naughty faries for a Sunday Drive to the surrounding suburbs of Northern Johannesburg.I'm sure there are a couple of amoral developers who will really get along with them.

But I'd better make some ice cream sundae first to lure them into the car.

Terr in Joburg

Genhywfar said...

For some reason, our resident faery lurves him some sugar that kind you put on top of christmas cookies.

Bizarre, I know. But what's a girl to do? Don't wanna piss him off!