Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Criswell Predicts

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," dispensing wisdom and Pez since 2005! If you're ever in Easton, Pennsylvania, be sure to stop at the Pez Dispenser Museum. It's sublime.

Our official artist, Cy, stopped by the other night with her latest finds. Cy's one of those people who can spend hours in used bookstores and come out laden with the nuttiest literature you've ever seen. Her personal favorite is Clam Plate Orgy, sort of the Bible of subliminal message research.

This time, among Cy's discoveries was a little volume called Criswell Predicts, published in 1968. I don't remember Criswell, but apparently he was a clairvoyant with enough of a following that he could get a book published. His predictions run from 1968 through the year 2000. So now, with 20-20 hindsight, we can score Criswell's accuracy.

He predicts a war in Alaska between the U.S. and Russia for 1980. He predicts that by 1985, Texas will be split into three states. He predicts cannibalism as part of race riots in Pittsburgh by 1972.

Criswell predicts that New Jersey will be so overpopulated by 1980 that it will be the first state to pass mandatory birth control laws. The first state, mind you. One surmises that places like Kansas will follow suit.

Speaking of Kansas, Criswell predicts that the U.S. capital will move from Washington, DC to Wichita before 2000. Whoa, baby, the Red Staters would luvvvv that, wouldn't they?

What a magnificent seer! Criswell predicts Castro's assassination, right down to the very day: August 9, 1970. By a woman. Apparently no one notified Fidel about this. Or maybe they did and he stayed inside that day, playing poker with the guys.

Cy and I made our way through Criswell Predicts and agreed that his batting average wouldn't get him into a reputable Little League. However, even a piss-poor seer can produce a few nuggets.

Criswell predicts that Atlantic City, New Jersey will be underwater by 1987. I think he got that one right but should have added a century to the date.

Here's the most interesting nugget:

"I predict that a Dallas, Texas Millionaire will shock America and the world by leaving millions upon millions of dollars in his will to set up a true NAZI party in the U.S."

No date on this one. His capital letters, not mine.

Any psychic will tell you that the whole process of divination is like seeing through a glass darkly. Heck, even Harry Potter learns this at Hogwart's. If you parse the prediction above, it has some interesting elements.

Texas. Millionaire. Shocks America and the World. NAZI party.

One could make an argument for this one. The most fascinating element of it is the lack of a date. Criswell must have thought that perhaps this one would happen after 2000.

BAMP! No mandatory birth control in New Jersey.
BAMP! Wichita is not yet the capital of the U.S.
But ... a Texas millionaire shocking America and the world by supporting Fascist philosophy? KA-ZINGGGG!

Anne predicts she'll eat at least one cookie tomorrow. Ka-zingggg.

Tomorrow or Friday: An interview with a salmon. Be there, or be square!

Artwork by Cy, "Eyeball Vulture."


BBC said...

It's stupid to predict things with all these monkeys screwing around so much.

There is just no telling which way things will go.

buddydon said...

this bit made me laff:

If you parse the prediction above, it has some interesting elements.

Texas. Millionaire. Shocks America and the World. NAZI party.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

And if you think about that Wichita thing, isn't the country allegedly being run by the "heartland," aren't they all bending over backwards to enforce the "family values" of the sacrosanct MidWest?

Maybe he was being metaphorical.

And the billionaire from Texas w/rebuilding the Fourth Reich... C'mon, Anne, that was TOO easy! And you thought that it was gonna be li'l ol' Ross Perot, didncha!

BTW, if you need any research material on Criswell, go watch "Ed Wood" again. Johnny Depp's most twisted movie yet, but so heart-wrenching, especially the parts about Bela Lugosi... Sarah Jessica is as wooden & uninteresting as ever, and Johnny looks better in her sweaters than she does. Jefferey Jones as Criswell, though --- CLASSIC!

Not so much laugh-out-loud funny as ache-to-your-bones funny. One of my all-time favorites.

Interrobang said...

*chuckle* Interrobang predicts that Interrobang will go to work tomorrow, and will doze off in her chair at approximately 2PM. How's that for specificity?*

* It should be noted that Interrobang suffers from a strange sort of post-prandial narcolepsy and dozes off in her chair every day at work around 2PM...

Randy Wilharm said...

I grew up around Boston in the 60s-70s, watched way too much television and never heard a thing about Criswell until I saw PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE many years later...this leads me to believe Criswell was more of a "California" thing but I could be wrong.

What's really funny was his wife, Halo Meadows. I read somewhere that she was a 300 lb woman who liked to sunbath nude, believe her pet dog was a reincarnation of a distant cousin, and was described by writer Charles Coloumbe
as being "quite mad".

Too bad Time Machines are'nt real.
A dinner with her + Criswell would be an "event to remember"...