Rolling Rock, Smashed
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" We're so glad to have you with us today. Now, just to extend your warmth, why don't you stand up and greet the readers next to you? Give them a hearty handshake.
When was the last time you had a beer with lunch? I know it's been years for me, but today there was nothing else cold in the fridge. Mmmmm mmmm! Gonna be a real productive afternoon here at "The Gods Are Bored."
The bored god Goibhniu and I are clinking our bottles together with deep sadness. My favorite brand of beer - lifetime - has been Rolling Rock of Latrobe, PA.
If you want to get RR while it's authentic, better bustle on over to the liquor store. Because, as we all know, things fall apart.
From the sage Joe Sixpack comes news that Annheuser-Busch, brewer of the swill known as Budweiser, has bought Rolling Rock's brand name, distinctive label, and slogan. However, A-B plans to brew RR in Newark, NJ and not in Latrobe.
Two hundred fifty loyal Rolling Rock employees have been "let go in revised head counts." (And you wondered where I got that phrase!) For some of them, making Rolling Rock beer is the only job they've ever had. And Latrobe isn't exactly a bustling burg, so this is a huge blow to the town.
Okay, all you rocket scientists out there: Compare and contrast Newark, NJ with Latrobe, PA. Forget about the folks who live in the two towns, they're mostly all stand-up blokes. But every region has something that makes it different from all other regions.
That would be its water.
I'm not the Merlin of Berkeley Springs as a passing fancy. I know my water. And you, Newark, haven't got the water that Latrobe has.
Rolling Rock will be sold in the same bottle, with the same label and the same slogan. It'll still be marketed especially in blue-collar Pennsylvania and environs. You'll see ads for it on televised Steelers football games.
But that sucker will not taste the same. Different water, different taste.
Now all you trolls out there are going to write to me and say that Newark actually has better water, that its deep aquifers have been filled to the plimsol line with H2O that has seeped through layers of purifying sand.
I'm not debating that. I said the water in Newark is different, not inferior.
And maybe, just maybe, there will be a few hard feelings in blue collar Pennsylvania about the closure of the peerless Latrobe brewery. Gosh, do you think anyone will notice, if far-flung goat judges like me can receive this crushing news?
This beer gal will find a new happy hour companion. And it sure won't be Budweiser. If you'll permit me to be crude for a moment, Bud tastes like they rely a little too heavily on those Clydesdales for essential liquids.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS