Wednesday, July 19, 2006

A Bored God Bows to the Era

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where a small investment in polytheism will gain you a rich reward of multiple Afterlife options! You can start as a minimalist by inviting a local deity to your backyard or local kiddie park. Or you can make a grand gesture and pitch tent with a huge pantheon. Whatever you do, rest assured that bored gods appreciate your custom.

Busy gods are, well, busy. One of the best known, Yahweh, bewilders us all by allowing his followers to hasten each other's entree to his well-stocked heaven by means of violent bloodshed. If he doled out some underperforming praise and worship teams he might be able better to manage some of these Rambos and their missiles.

It's always a treat when a bored god or goddess drops by TGAB for an interview. But I'm not sure this one today is worth a deep pocket investment. Nevertheless, let's give a great big "Gods Are Bored" welcome to Mithras, Slayer of the Sacred Bull!

Mithras: Not exactly a ringing endorsement there, Anne.

Anne: Well, I'm understandably skeptical of bored gods whose praise and worship teams met underground, or in temples without windows, in super-secret ceremonies.

Mithras: Bite me. I don't need you. I'm a warrior god, and you're some kind of goatherd.

Anne: Wow. Hostile. And yet you're here. I assume you have something to communicate of worth to my readers. As to biting you, don't underestimate me. I've worked with mountain goats.

Mithras: My bull is mightier than a mountain goat.

Anne: Your bull does seem mighty. In fact, you seem full of bull.

Faeries: (Tee Hee!)

Anne: Please get to your message, Mithras.

Mithras: It's a general one. At one time my praise and worship team was composed entirely of men. Most of them soldiers.

Anne: Peachy.

Mithras: But, bowing to the changing times, I am now admitting women and minorities.

Anne: Do say! Who would have thought Mithras a feminist and integrationist at heart?

Mithras: Well, as I say, times change, and there are some worthy females who have joined my secret ranks.

Anne: Are we naming names, Mithras?

Mithras: And violate the secrecy of my praise and worship team? Never!

Anne: If I guess, off the top of my head, will you confirm or deny?

Mithras (swelling with pride): All right.

Anne: Condoleeza Rice.

Mithras: Confirmed. And she kills two birds with one stone, if you understand me.

Anne: So does Dick Cheney, if you understand me. Okay: My second guess. Ann Coulter.

Mithras: Confirmed. And she's mighty mighty popular at Bohemian Grove ... err ... ooooooops!

Anne: No prob, Mithy ol' boy, I was going to guess Bohemian Grove as the source of your praise and worship team after I got finished determining the female members.

Mithras: Don't tell anyone.

Anne: Don't worry. No one reads this blog. And, the presence of Ann Coulter in your praise and worship team reveals to me that she's not godless like the liberals she writes about. So that's something, at least.

Mithras: She's very brave. There are no woosies in my ranks. And she's working her way through the levels very nicely.

Anne: I'll bet. They don't call it Bohemian Grove because it's straight-laced.

Mithras: Are you making fun of my adepts? I will draw my sword!

Faeries: Here's some colored pencils to help you draw your sword! (Tee Hee!)

Anne: It's customary here at "The Gods Are Bored" to ask downsized deities how they make a living. But if you're getting prayed to at Bohemian Grove, Mithras, I'm sure you're comfortable indeed.

Mithras: I could have a private Lear jet if I needed it.

Anne: I daresay. So then, what do you do in your spare time?

Mithras: My old pal Mars rings me up sometimes. We like to dress in Dallas Cowboys fan apparel and attend Philadelphia Eagles football games. Once we went to the University of Michigan all pumped in Ohio State gear. The fights we start are spectacular.

Anne: That's when immortality can be a real asset.

Mithras: Damn straight. We never lose.

Anne: Here are a few friends of mine to show you the door. Yo, don't mess or they'll house you.


Mithras: Who tied my bootstraps together?

Puck the Faerie: That would be me. Snatch me in the can! Might makes fright, and that ain't right.

Anne: I hate to contradict you, Puck, but Might is Right these days. Right wing, of course.

Puck: Is something wrong with my right wing?

Anne: As Milk and Cheese (Dairy Products Gone Bad) escort Mithras from our presence none too gently, I bid you farewell from this edition of "The Gods Are Bored!"

"Milk and Cheese: Dairy Products Gone Bad" created by Evan Dorkin, comics available at Slave Labor Graphics.


Rubicon said...

*claps for jesus* oh wait...shit...sorry, wrong god *claps for Odin* w00t! that was brilliant I dare say :D

buddy don said...

nicely writ, as usual. mithras has always innerested me on a counta his bein spozedly born dec 25 n appearin frum heaven to sum shepards watchin thar flocks. twuz the major roman relijun, witch them that calls tharself chrischuns dun snatched most of the best bits of the mithraism.

Kate said...

This is very silly and I enjoyed it very much. Thanks! :-)