Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" You supply the need, we'll supply the deity. No one is turned away!
It was King Lear who shouted, "Blow, wind, and crack your cheeks!" in the immortal play bearing his name. And damned fine imagery, if you ask me. We have a Very Important Goddess here today to talk about hefty breezes. Her name is Danu.
You've heard of the Danube River, perhaps? Yeah, that Danu. Let's give a warm, wonderful "Gods Are Bored" welcome to Danu, Celtic Creator Goddess! OOOOOOO EEEEEEEE! YEEE HAAAA!
Danu: Why, that's most flattering, Anne. And, by the way, I love that quote from Shakespeare. I inspired it, of course.
Anne: As you did so much of The Bard's work. He was a bard, after all. One of yours, so to speak.
Anne: So. I'm humbled and honored by your holy presence here today. What can we at "The Gods Are Bored" do for you?
Danu: Build windmill farms.
Anne: A woman of few words and infinite wisdom! I guess you heard that the U.S. plans to build 150 new coal-burning power plants in this era of global warming. In the meantime, we're the windiest nation on the planet, and surrounded by two major oceans to boot.
Danu: Build windmill farms.
Anne: As of today, wind energy only accounts for 1 percent of the nation's electrical needs. And yet it's renewable, reliable, non-polluting, and it will keep those savage Mountaintop Removal creatures from turning Appalachia into a desert. Yes, for all my foreign readers, please be aware that coal mining has gone from an underground operation to just simply blasting whole mountains to bits and gathering up the coal with bulldozers. (More info here)
Danu: I am not amused at all by that.
Anne: Neither am I. I came up in Appalachia. Well, Danu, it's customary for pissed off gods and goddesses to threaten disaster if they're not satisfied with the human race. Are you of that ilk?
Danu: I'm here trying to save you, not smite you. Smiting is officially censured by the Intergalactic Federation of Gods and Goddesses (IFG&G).
Anne: If that's the case, how come so many gods and goddesses (I'm thinking of at least one notable) smite with reckless abandon?
Danu: Deities who smite are not officially recognized by the IFG&G. They can't even buy membership cards. Some have tried.
Anne: A little payola to the top dogs, huh? Kind of like celestial lobbying?
Danu: Doesn't work. Three smites and out. No exceptions.
Anne: Returning to our central topic. You are the Celtic Goddess of Wind (among other things, including creation of the world). Do you think it's blustery enough here in Amerika to get us all lit up?
Danu: Lit up like Rush Limbaugh on vacation in the Dominican Republic.
Anne: Some people say the big windmills are an eyesore. I'm thinking particularly now of the rich folks on Martha's Vineyard who successfully lobbied (there's that word again) to keep a windmill farm from being planted offshore where they could just barely see it.
Danu: I'd better go. I'm being tempted to smite. But you see, I did the smart thing. I set the world in motion and then gave humans free will instead of that original sin and Grace of God malarky. If your species doesn't do the right thing, you can't blame me for your trip down the tubes.
Anne: A wise Goddess indeed. And congratulations on regaining a substantial praise and worship team. It's growing all the time! I'm proud to be in your camp.
Danu: It's a pleasure having you. Now you'd better bop downstairs. Your daughter left a notebook on your altar to my daughter, Queen Brighid the Bright.
Anne: And I can't smite her for it?
Danu: Make her fold the laundry and weed the garden.
Anne: She'll consider that being smited.
Danu: Then you just tell her that, in order to fit into the pure definition of godly smite, there's got to be unpleasant boils, an invading army, purchase by slave traders, a plain old savage beating, or being stoned to death.
Anne: Awesome Goddess, how did there come to be so many smiting gods and goddesses on this particular planet?
Danu: Curb appeal.
Anne: I don't follow.
Danu: Curb appeal. Earth looks great from space, and so it attracts its share of riff-raff. They like the looks of the planet, and when they come in to land, they find only one species capable of being subordinated and tons of species that make good sacrifice fodder. Next thing you know, planetary values plummet.
Anne: I guess you can't scare them off.
Danu: That would be discrimination. And remember what I said about free will. I must admit that, from time to time, I do politely ask them to stop acting like an episode of World Wrestling Federation.
Anne: Some of them are known smiters.
Danu: Yes, and I've reported them, but the brass at IFG&G is notoriously busy. It's a great big universe out there. Eventually the paperwork will be processed. But by that time your species' free will might settle things in an unpleasant way.
Anne: I hear you. So, is there any veracity at all to this Left Behind business?
Danu: I don't mean to sling mud, but I have jars of jam older than the team that cooked up Left Behind. I wouldn't worry about The Great Beast.
Anne: I don't! He visits my site. He wants to be known as "Mr. Applegate."
Danu: Gosh, thanks for reminding me! I owe him ten dollars for repairs to Excalibur!
Anne: Your own people couldn't do it?
Danu: He offered, and my people are busy trying to stem global warming.
Anne: Anything else you'd like to share with "The Gods Are Bored?"
Danu: Please use your free will wisely, my children. A planet is a terrible thing to waste.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
AREA 14, STAR 14