Breathless

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!"

Do you miss that little Mom-and-Pop hardware store that used to be on your Main Street? You know the one I mean. The one that had to close because it couldn't compete with Home Depot and/or Lowe's.

Gods are just like that. Used to be, each little culture had its resident deities, familiar and comfortable to the small group. Along comes Big Box God, the One and Only.

Big Box. You find yourself wandering aimlessly, looking for socket wrenches, and none of the employees even know what socket wrenches are, let alone where to find them. When it comes time to check out, you have to scan your own purchases. No friendly face saying, "Have a nice day." Just some receipt to show you're paid up.

And by damn, they're fighting in the aisles. It's Plumbing vs. Lighting, Garden vs. Carpeting. One Big Box, but no one can agree on which aisle is best.

Not for this site. We endorse an intimate and personal model of worship. Pick a God or Goddess, and he or she won't make you scan your own items.

Good news in abundance today! Gosh, I wish it had been spread out a bit!

1. My beloved spouse and I have been asked to be water-tasting judges at the annual Berkeley Springs Festival of the Waters, where they choose The Best Water in the World! The honor has me on my knees with humility! I am not worthy.

2. OH THIS IS THE BEST! A little town only 40 minutes from here is having a BUZZARD FESTIVAL! Watching begins at roosting hour (scopes provided), followed by a banquet with speakers! See? I've had to go all the way to Hinckley, Ohio to perform my buzzard rituals in the past. I think the bored gods approve of my devotion.

3. Awhile back I took a Praxis test on Animal Husbandry to see if I qualified to teach it in high school. Haven't gotten the scores yet, but today I got a fancy Certificate of Excellence from Educational Testing Services, Inc. It appears I finished in the top 15 percent. (I'll admit I was a bit nervous on the matter of ferrets and emus.)

3. This last is good news/bad news. Today by Parcel Post, a 400-page manuscript entitled Mortality and Morbidity in Lactating Goat Populations: Principles and Practices of Large Herd Maintenance (Essays in Honor of Sylvester Poditat, Professor Emeritus, Billy Bob Agricultural University), University Press of Appalachia, 2006. I am to peer review this volume and provide an index. By the end of the month.

I guess they couldn't find anyone at the international conglomerate Amalgamated Goats, Inc. who had the stamina for the job.

But this will cut into the time I can spend here with you, my wide readership. Please understand. I'll do what I can.

Imagine me, a water judge one week and a buzzard-watcher the next. Heaven. I'm in heaven.

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF ... GUESS WHERE?