Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" We don't think our gods are better than your gods. We just think our gods are different from your gods. And vive la difference! Independent thinking is a virtue!
They haven't been showing the whole picture over at American Idol, so I'm going to clue you in. Here are some notable outtakes that hit the cutting room floor.
1. George Bush got three "no" votes when he forgot the words to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." (Perhaps he should have tried singing "Roe, Roe, Roe Must Go.")
2. Pat Robertson got three "no" votes when he sang "What Kind of Fool Am I?" He got the lyrics but went off key. He couldn't redeem himself by belting out the first lines of "Onward, Christian Soldiers."
3. Condoleeza Rice is going to Hollywood! Her medley of "Annie, Get Your Gun" tunes was a big hit! Simon called her a "hot honey," and Randy suggested she ought to run for president.
4. Dick Cheney got two no votes for his rendition of "If I Were a Rich Man." Simon liked it, but Paula and Randy thought he lacked conviction.
5. Sam Alito sang "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet." The judges didn't seem to like it much, but they appeared fearful of thwarting him. He's going to Hollywood!
6. Some guy named Marley sang "Get Up, Stand Up." He was arrested and sent to Guantanamo.
7. A woman identified only as "Cindy" was not even allowed to sing. Simon took exception to her t-shirt, and she was led away in handcuffs.
So there you have it. The American Idol that you're missing! But don't feel bad. We may have a second chance to hear from Condi and Sammy. As for "Cindy," I think they've outsourced her torture to the Saudis.
FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
"Milk and Cheese" are the creations of Evan Dorkin. Their comics are called, uh ... Milk and Cheese. Available at a comic shop near you. Action figures to be released this spring. Yay!
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