Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we talk of many things -- of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, of cabbages and kings.
We also steal everyone else's best lines. Get over it.
Every year in the wake of Equinox, my daughters get a week off of school. They have been begging to go home to the mountains and toddle around their blood's country for a few days.
At the same time, my Super-Fundie sister has just moved into a spanking new McMansion, and she's keen to show it off. She's never invited us to bunk with her before, but this time she's adamant. All three of us (self, Heir, Spare) are expected to stay with her for two nights, even though she only has bed space for two.
I have a splendidly sane and delightful cousin who lives in the same area. She has always played hostess to me before, and we just dearly love sittin in front of the big screen, eatin fried chicken and watchin Dr. Phil. Cousin has a big, broad, flexible outlook and a grandson the same age as The Spare.
I gently suggested to Sis that The Spare and I could stay with Cousin, and The Heir (who loves her privacy) could stay with Sis. This did not wash. Sis wants us all. She's gone to a lot of trouble to decorate a cute little visitor's room, and no one else is ever going to come and see her. So we must all come and flop at her chateau.
Sis also wants to go bike riding. She's sure she can find a bike that will accommodate my degenerative arthritic hip! Krikey, I can't wait to see this bike. Any bike that I'll be able to ride in my current condition probably also can bake pastries and crush diamonds.
My sister bought an ugly house on what used to be Appalachian farmland, she goes to a fundie church and to several "girl groups" attached thereto. Her pastor preached my father's funeral sermon, using the occasion to warn all Pagans and Gays present that they were headed for hell.
So it's my vacation. How do I make it fun?
Here's how. If Sis has a "girl group" meeting, I'll go with her. If her dear pastor and his lovely wife are in town, I'm going to suggest she include them in dinner plans. All of these people should have an opportunity to meet me, the fallen-from-grace-into-some-wacky-cult-that-will-send-her-to-hell sister! They pray for me at every gathering, so don't you think they oughta see who they're begging God to drag back into the fold?
Maybe they'll decide heaven would be better off without me.
It won't hurt my feelings if they come to this conclusion.
I've gotta fill this blog space with fun stuff, and I can't think of anything more fun than spending two days in the fundie wilderness, in the midst of a presidential election season.
Besides, church "girl groups" always serve savory snacks, and then everyone tells sob stories that are better than the ones on Dr. Phil. Which by the way it's time for now, so off I go. I want to be excited about my life.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS