Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Hotel Fundie

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we talk of many things -- of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, of cabbages and kings.

We also steal everyone else's best lines. Get over it.

Every year in the wake of Equinox, my daughters get a week off of school. They have been begging to go home to the mountains and toddle around their blood's country for a few days.

At the same time, my Super-Fundie sister has just moved into a spanking new McMansion, and she's keen to show it off. She's never invited us to bunk with her before, but this time she's adamant. All three of us (self, Heir, Spare) are expected to stay with her for two nights, even though she only has bed space for two.

I have a splendidly sane and delightful cousin who lives in the same area. She has always played hostess to me before, and we just dearly love sittin in front of the big screen, eatin fried chicken and watchin Dr. Phil. Cousin has a big, broad, flexible outlook and a grandson the same age as The Spare.

I gently suggested to Sis that The Spare and I could stay with Cousin, and The Heir (who loves her privacy) could stay with Sis. This did not wash. Sis wants us all. She's gone to a lot of trouble to decorate a cute little visitor's room, and no one else is ever going to come and see her. So we must all come and flop at her chateau.

Sis also wants to go bike riding. She's sure she can find a bike that will accommodate my degenerative arthritic hip! Krikey, I can't wait to see this bike. Any bike that I'll be able to ride in my current condition probably also can bake pastries and crush diamonds.

My sister bought an ugly house on what used to be Appalachian farmland, she goes to a fundie church and to several "girl groups" attached thereto. Her pastor preached my father's funeral sermon, using the occasion to warn all Pagans and Gays present that they were headed for hell.

So it's my vacation. How do I make it fun?

Here's how. If Sis has a "girl group" meeting, I'll go with her. If her dear pastor and his lovely wife are in town, I'm going to suggest she include them in dinner plans. All of these people should have an opportunity to meet me, the fallen-from-grace-into-some-wacky-cult-that-will-send-her-to-hell sister! They pray for me at every gathering, so don't you think they oughta see who they're begging God to drag back into the fold?

Maybe they'll decide heaven would be better off without me.

It won't hurt my feelings if they come to this conclusion.

I've gotta fill this blog space with fun stuff, and I can't think of anything more fun than spending two days in the fundie wilderness, in the midst of a presidential election season.

Besides, church "girl groups" always serve savory snacks, and then everyone tells sob stories that are better than the ones on Dr. Phil. Which by the way it's time for now, so off I go. I want to be excited about my life.

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS

15 Comments:

At February 06, 2008 , Blogger Evn said...

Call me a masochist, but I totally want to go with you:

"Oh, and this is Evn. He pretty much just points and giggles. Blessed be. Shall we eat?"

 
At February 06, 2008 , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

ok, here's the deal..i'll go with you to fuck with her friends and the reverend..then you come with me to my family reunion to fuck with my baptist kinfolk..who every time they see me..clasps hands in a circle and commence to pray for me..they say they love me and want me to go to heaven and be with them when i die..i have tried to convience them that i'm not crazy about spending time with them on earth, what makes them think i want to spend any time with them in heaven...i said..one persons heaven is another(me) persons hell...

 
At February 06, 2008 , Blogger Evn said...

It's a deal. And I'll bet you dollars to donuts that I can pray way louder than they can.

 
At February 06, 2008 , Blogger BBC said...

I want to be excited about my life.

Well, do something that is exciting to you then. Never a dull moment in my life. It isn't all exciting, but it is all interesting.

The only thing I lack is sex with the right woman, but she is not to be found so I handle it in other ways.

Other than that my life is great. Well, the bigger picture bothers me a lot, but there is nothing I can do about it.

And I guess if I had some nice spiritual boobs to kiss I wouldn't care anyway.

Um, never mind. I don't expect others to understand.

 
At February 06, 2008 , Blogger BBC said...

Interesting that you have a link to Wombat's Waffles but not to me.

Considering that he is so much like me. But maybe you haven't seen that?

 
At February 06, 2008 , Blogger Evn said...

Considering that he is so much like me.

Does he post vague masturbation references on other people's blogs? If so: c'mon Anne, due process.

 
At February 07, 2008 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

This string of comments is the funniest yet.

 
At February 07, 2008 , Blogger Athana said...

anne, not to get off the fascinating subject line here, but, getting back to your sad, sad situation with your fundie sister, I have to say that I am sincerely sorry you've had the deep misfortune of being born into the same family with this poor woman. On the other hand, misery loves company. So I'm selfishly fascinated with your experiences re: your Jesus-saturated sibling, who so reminds me of my own dear Bible-thumping sister.

So hats off to you for being willing to share your sister troubles with all of us who are in the same barfy boat with you (has your sister ever pasted Bible verses on her ceiling? I thought not. I think mine might be a bit ahead of yours in the eccentricity category).

 
At February 08, 2008 , Blogger Evn said...

I have to ask: why does she paste Bible verses on the ceiling?

If I don't want to know, just say so.

 
At February 08, 2008 , Blogger Athana said...

Evn, I think it's because she ran out of room on her walls.

No, seriously -- I don't know. And that's the scary part. What reason could there be for a person to paste Bible verses on her ceiling? Now, she also pastes them on her walls (especially in the bathroom, which is small enough so you can't escape them -- you have to read them whether you want to or not). But she hasn't wallpapered her entire house with them, so there's plenty of wall space left to paste on.

I haven't actually seen the phenomenon. She's just described it to me over the phone (we live 900 miles apart). She might have just put them up on the ceiling temporarily for one time when her women's Bible Study group met at her house, because I get to her house oh maybe once a year and I've only seen them on the walls.

Incidentally, she hasn't mentioned her Bible Study group recently. I seriously suspect they might have declined to use her house as a meeting place -- after the verses-on-the-ceiling meeting that is.

 
At February 08, 2008 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

my sister plastered my dad's nursing home room with bible verses when Dad was dying. They were literally everywhere you looked. I asked him how he felt about it and he said, "Well, it seems to comfort your sister." So I left them. But when I counter-posted "Jabberwocky" near the floor in an out-of-the-way spot, it was swiftly removed. That's when I started hiding faerie figurines in the room where they couldn't be seen.

Evn, you are a hoot. Sis lives in Western Maryland near the WV border. I can give you directions.

 
At February 08, 2008 , Blogger Hecate said...

Let me know when you're going; maybe we can meet up and get drunk and disreputable.

 
At February 08, 2008 , Blogger BBC said...

Hey !!! My masturbation comments are not vague !! Just saying.

 
At February 08, 2008 , Blogger borromakot said...

evn and athana, I think she posts them on the ceiling because Christianity is such an insane mythology that she has to have the bible near enough to remember what to believe in!

 
At February 10, 2008 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

I would tell Billy to get a grip, but I think he's got it.

 

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